Family Affair

Act 1

(A grassy field on the summit of Mount Etna in Anatolia. Enter Zeus and Hera, stage left)

Zeus: Such a magnificent outing this has been! A more quiet afternoon I’m sure I’ve not had. (He reaches for Hera’s hand and kisses it) You are a formidable wife, after all, my queen. Of all my sisters I might have married, I’m certainly glad I seduced you.

Hera (pulling her hand away abruptly): I’m glad you are pacified, husband. 

(Aside): Proving you are more like a babe than one could have imagined.

Zeus: I must admit, I had doubts to your intentions. When you suggested this location, I could not help but recall the last time you seduced me here…

Hera: To which occasion are you referring?

Zeus (pausing mid-step and frowning): Why, the Trojan War? You wore that cursed girdle of Aphrodite and tricked- no- deceived me to get me into your bed! 

Hera: Not this pointless discussion again.

Zeus (turning a violent shade of red): It is not a discussion! It is fact! You betrayed the very foundation of this marriage-

Hera (interrupting): Might I remind you, darling husband, of the number of times you have betrayed the “very foundation of this marriage?” 

(A bright flash of lightning and crack of thunder. Zeus swells with anger, almost spitting at the mouth)

Zeus: I AM THE KING OF THE GODS! I MAKE THE LAW AND YOU ARE TO OBEY ME! 

(Hera stands firmly, unfazed. Enter Apollo, stage right, bow and arrow in hand. His handsome face is marked by rage)

Apollo (barely restraining himself): Father! I would speak with you this instant!

Zeus: My shining son. What could be so important that you seek to disturb my previously pleasant afternoon? 

(He narrows his eyes at Hera, who responds with a slight shrug of her shoulder)

Apollo: Father, I implore you to see the side of reason. This nonsense has ensured for far too long! That damned trickster has played his last hand. If you do not put a muzzle on him I will take his punishment into my own hands! 

(He shakes his bow threateningly, his long curls bouncing with each word of vengeance)

Hera (scoffing in annoyance): Cease your riddled tongue, child. Of whom do you speak?

Apollo: Hermes! 

Zeus: What has he done now? 

Apollo: He stole my prized cattle! Again!

(Hera, clearly unamused, summons a chair from thin air and lounges gracefully in it)

Hera: Am I suffering from amnesia, or is this not a battle we have fought already? Did you not give him those cattle after the first time? In exchange for a lyre? 

(Apollo sighs exasperatedly and runs a hand through his hair)

Apollo: Why, yes, but these are a new breed of my own invention. I bred them to sing in place of lowing- they’re much more pleasing to the ear this way. With this modification I can still enjoy making my lovely music without their interruption.

Zeus: And you wonder why your brother could not resist.

(Apollo stands in front of his father and drops to his knee)

Apollo: I beg of you father- a trial must be held! The gods are assembling on Olympus at this very moment to discuss retribution. You must attend and bestow your wrath upon that imp!

Zeus (shaking his head): No, I am quite content to remain here with my wife. We shall try to enjoy what’s left of this afternoon before Helios puts an end to our revelry. (He links his arm through Hera’s) Come, wife.

Apollo: So be it. I shall take justice into my own hands then. Let us see him try to escape my bow and arrow. Or perhaps a thorough beating with that damned caduceus of his… (He exits)

(Zeus stands silent for a moment and then grumbles to himself)

Zeus: Is there to be no moment’s peace? Perhaps I should lock them all up in Tartarus for a millennia and observe how they fare?

Hera: I’m sure I could devise a few fitting punishments.

Zeus (with a twinkle in his eye): I would much rather you devise a fitting punishment for me. (He winks). Come, let us seek a shady haven and put our dysfunction children out of our minds. 

Hera (letting go of his arm): OUR children? Lest I remind you, my adulterous husband-

(They exit stage right, bickering)

Act 2

(On Mount Olympus in the council chamber of the palace of Zeus. Apollo sits in one of twelve chairs forming a circle in the center of the room. Poseidon, Demeter, and Athena occupy three other seats. Poseidon sighs frequently and appears disgruntled)

Poseidon: Is this council truly necessary, Apollo? I have three ships in the Peloponnese about to embark on their maiden voyage that require my blessing. (He bangs his trident on the ground, which causes the room to tremble) This better be an expedient trial.

Athena (smirking): Ah, so you’ve finally gained employment where your talents are wanted, dear Poseidon? The Athenians will be ever so pleased- they’ve beed riddled with guilt all these years…

(The room darkens and a swirl of frigid sea air blows through the corridor. Athena remains unperturbed as Poseidon glares icily in her direction)

Poseidon: Do not impugn my sovereignty, girl. Though you may consider yourself witty, your forked tongue has no place in Ionia. These lands belong to me, and I intend to bestow great endowments upon them.

Athena (innocently): Perhaps a salt spring?

(Before Poseidon can respond, Demeter waves her hand dismissively)

Demeter: Silence, you two. I have no desire to hear your squabbling. (Sighing heavily) It is winter.

(Apollo clears his throat in attention)

Apollo: Do not worry, my fellow Olympians. Let the trial commence! Artemis! Bring in the accused.

(Artemis enters, stage left, followed by Hermes. His wrists are bound by enchanted shackles made by Hephaestus. He smiles jovially as he floats towards his seat, his winged shoes twittering like birds in the springtime.) 

(Artemis stops beside her brother’s chair and places a hand on his shoulder. Her face is a blank canvas, her position on the situation unclear)

Artemis: My brother- my own twin- I understand your frustration with Hermes, but really- is this necessary?

Poseidon (from across the room): I concur! Let’s have away with this nonsense!

(Apollo stands up from his chair abruptly and points an accusing finger at Hermes)

Apollo: Hermes has played his last trick! I summon you all here to demand a reckoning for his behavior!

Hermes: What harmless act have I been accused of now? 

Apollo (seething): You know precisely what.

Hermes (in a sing-song voice): Upon my word, dear brother, you are lucky you’re handsome, but I’m afraid that is where your gifts end and your fatuity begins.

(Apollo strides towards Hermes, stopping a mere few inches away from his face)

Apollo: Tell. The. Truth.

(Hermes innocently holds out his bound hands as if at the mercy of the young god)

Hermes (mournfully): By my honor, I am utterly ignorant of my crime. 

(He turns towards the attendees to plead his case)

(Cont.): There I was, faultlessly tending to my cattle- when I am plucked away by the virginal huntress here and imprisoned in these bonds. Surely, you must find me innocent and allow me to return to my business. My poor cattle, you see, they’re quite helpless without me. In fact… one would argue that they’re practically singing for my return. 

Apollo (in a fit of rage): ADMIT IT, YOU CONNIVING JACKAL! YOU KNOW-

(A loud noise interrupts him. Aphrodite and Hephaestus enter stage left, arguing. Hephaestus limps slowly behind his wife as she glides in, as if on a wave)

Aphrodite: I cannot believe you! Of all the dirty, poisonous tricks! How could you humiliate Ares and I this way? 

Hephaestus: How could I humiliate you? Do you hear the asinine words coming from your mouth? I am your husband-

Aphrodite (collapsing into an empty chair): A more cruel joke has never been played on one so beautiful as I.

(Apollo claps his hand and clears his throat angrily.)

Apollo: What on Olympus is this display? Cannot you see we are in the middle of a trial?

Hephaestus (grumbling): What luck. Perhaps we can put my cuckolding wife on trial as well and be done with it. 

Athena (with interest): What has transpired now, my dear inventive brother? 

Aphrodite: My husband is the most wicked, most cruel beast that has ever-

Hephaestus: I caught her and Ares together. Again. Only this time these two found it poetic to perform their debaucherous act in the middle of my workshop!

(The gods all gasp in unison. Aphrodite shrugs carelessly)

Athena: Oh, Aphrodite, will you never learn? 

(Aside): How you managed to convince Paris to bequeath the golden apple to you is anyone’s conjecture.

Artemis (casting her eyes skyward): This is why I do not fornicate with men. It leads only to a pathetic display of histrionics.

Hermes (gleefully): This makes my crime much paler in comparison! I say Aphrodite should go on trial in my place. Tis only fitting.

Apollo (addressed to Hephaestus while glaring at Hermes): While I am full of emotion for you, my brother, I believe this issue is best resolved betwixt you two. A trial is not necessary. Now, if you will let us return to the matter at hand-

(Before he can continue, a stroke of lightning appears, followed by Zeus and Hera entering from stage right. They both appear disgruntled. Zeus stops in his tracks upon seeing the Olympians)

Zeus: What, ho! What is the meaning of this? What are you all doing in my palace? 

(Everyone speaking at once):

Apollo: Father, as I mentioned to you earlier-

Aphrodite: Zeus, I demand that my husband is removed from my presence-

Poseidon: Brother, I have no time for these childish amusements-

Hermes: These bonds really are quite chafing. Perhaps-

Hephaestus: I have been made a fool of for the last time!

(Zeus claps his hands and the room trembles beneath them. Everyone falls silent. Zeus stands before his throne and looks around at his children)

Zeus: Truly, I do not pretend to care about your trifling dilemmas. Quite frankly, they are of little consequence to me. However, since you have all managed to ruin a pleasant afternoon with my wife- 

Hera (under her breath): Pleasant for whom, exactly?

Zeus (cont.): - as such, I will parcel out what I deem to be appropriate punishment. And then you will all disappear from my sight and leave me in peace. Understood?

Everyone: Yes, my King. 

(Zeus turns to Hephaestus and Aphrodite. He places a hand on Aphrodite’s head)

Zeus: My child, you have once again make a mockery of your husband?

Hephaestus: Yes.

Hera (hissing): You will speak when spoken to, you hobbling brute.

Hephaestus: Yes, mother. (He growls)

(Aphrodite looks up at Zeus and gives him her best seductive simper, batting her eyes)

Aphrodite: Yes, I did. Oh, but it was out of love, not a desire to mock. The bond between Ares and I… it surpasses the mere vows of marriage. I cannot help myself- the passion of love is beyond my comprehension.

Hera (dryly): I suppose that is exactly what my husband says every time he sees a pretty maiden on the mainland. 

Zeus: Silence, wife! Your opinion is not required here. (Turning back to Aphrodite.) Be that as it may, my dear, as punishment you will confine yourself on the island of Cyprus for the next one hundred years. After that, you may be allowed to return to Olympus to your husband.

Aphrodite (in a show of fake-pouting): May my beloved son Eros accompany me? I must keep him away from that despicable Psyche woman. 

Zeus: I will think on it.

Athena (cajolingly): I didn’t think you were the type to be jealous of another woman, Aphrodite. Didn’t that city worship you as their most beautiful goddess? And all those generous offerings… Oh wait- no- that was Psyche wasn’t it?

(Aphrodite hisses at Athena and bows to Zeus. She exits. Hephaestus shakes his head balefully and begins to hobble away)

Zeus: And where are you going, you cripple?

Hephaestus: Well, since your punishment has been clearly ineffectual, I will have to spend the next one hundred years crafting a suitable trapping device for the next time I am humiliated.

(Exit Hephaestus, stage right)

Act 3

(The remaining gods assemble in a circle to discuss Hermes’ punishment. Hera and Zeus sit upon their thrones)

Zeus: Now, as for you Hermes-

Hermes (holding up his shackled wrists): My hands are as clean as a whistle, father.

Apollo (scoffing): How filthy your whistle must be then.

Hermes: Well then, I shall just have to whet my whistle to clean it off. 

(Enter Dionysus, holding a goblet of wine. His ivy crown is askew on his head and his tunic sags on his shoulder. A drunk and wild human woman trails him, giggling to herself. It is clear he has been drinking, however, he saunters gracefully to an empty chair and pulls the woman into his lap)

Dionysus (suavely): Did someone mention whetting their whistle? I have a particularly delectable vintage here that is absolutely divine. (The woman giggles)

Hera: Oh for the love of-

Zeus (interrupting): My son! What is the meaning of this? Go clean yourself up at once! And be rid of this pestilent woman! Your presence here is not required.

Dionysus: As you wish, my liege. Only, I had been under the assumption that all Olympians were invited to bear witness to this foolishness?

(Before Zeus or Apollo can respond, Athena clears her throat and lifts her hand)

Athena: Father, Dionysus is right. I think we ought to return to Hermes and Apollo. Now, I believe I have found a diplomatic answer to this situation. An olive branch, if you will. (She smiles demurely)

(Everyone groans)

Athena (cont.): Let Hermes return half of the cattle and keep the rest. (An outcry from both Hermes and Apollo.) Hermes is, after all, patron of cattle. It is only appropriate. However, as the creator, Apollo must be able to keep a portion. Invention is, after all, something that should never be punished. 

Artemis: Or, we can string up the imp by his winged shoes and set my hounds on him? It’s been far too long since they’ve had a hunt. Not since I set them on that foolish Aktaion. (She grins in remembrance)

Zeus: That is quite unnecessary Artemis, and I have no further desire to converse with you about it. Be gone. (He waves his hand dismissively)

Artemis (cooly): If you so desire it, father. This has certainly been an utter waste of my time. I have far more important affairs. If anyone requires my attention, I shall be off hunting with Orion. (She exits stage right)

Zeus (smiling fondly at Athena): A fair judgement, my daughter. I agree with your proposal. The cattle shall be split betwixt the two.

Hermes: I accept as well. Thank you, my astute sister and most generous father. A pleasure. 

(The shackles around Hermes’ wrists disappear. He winks and flies away on his winged shoes to exit the stage) 

Apollo: Father, you can’t be serious? I will not have it! (He stomps his foot in frustration)

Zeus (darkly): You will be rid of yourself too, my son, else I inflict injuries upon you that not even your precious Asklepious will be able to remedy.

(Apollo, at a loss for words and clearly defeated, storms away, calling for his sister)

Apollo: Artemis, wait! You know how jealous I get of you and Orion! (He exits)

(From her throne, Hera clucks her tongue disapprovingly)

Hera: Your favoritism is showing, husband. Take care that your children do not become jaded.

Athena (sardonically): Oh Hera, not everything is a competition. Take father for example. You and I are not competing for his favor- how can it be a competition if I win every time?

(Hera stands from her throne, fire shining in her eyes)

Hera: YOU BRAZEN-

(Zeus holds his lighting bolt in front of her chest, preventing her from approaching his daughter)

Zeus: ENOUGH! Hera, I will not listen to your jealous speeches anymore today! Away with you! (When she makes no motion to move) AWAY!

(He dismisses her with a wave of his hand. Exit Hera, fuming)

Poseidon (who has been quiet for some time): Brother, you give this child too much credit. Other than catering to clearly inept heroes and turning innocent women into creatures, what has she really accomplished?

Athena: Tread carefully, uncle. I can smell your jealousy hidden beneath that musty saltwater brine of yours. What would your precious Polyphemous say if he could see you now? (She gasps and holds a hand in front of her mouth) Oh, wait-

(Poseidon snarls and reaches for his trident. He looks to Zeus who shakes his head)

Poseidon: Someday soon, my niece… 

(He disappears from the stage in a swirl of sea mist. Zeus sits down in his throne and sighs heavily)

Demeter: Well, that went about as well as expected.

Zeus: Why is it so difficult for this family to cooperate?

Athena: I believe that’s all families, father.

Zeus (pulling on his beard): We need another war. 

Athena: Agreed. I believe I can persuade the Athenians to mount an attack on the Spartans…

Zeus (nodding wearily): Good. Dionysus? (He turns towards his son, whose plaything had fallen asleep on his lap)

Dionysus: Hmm?

Zeus: What vintage did you say you possessed? 

Dionysus: One you’ll be particularly fond of, father. A choice selection from King Priam’s cellar himself. Stole it during the siege of Troy, I did.

(He pours four glasses and disburses them. Curtain falls on the four gods sharing wine and talking amongst themselves. End scene.)