Retrospect

A remarkably dull spirit embodied the young man known as Lucian. He was known for always criticising and calculating the odds against anything in an attempt to take the spotlight and be able to say told you so at the last minute. Both friends and family had known him as a rather unamused person, perhaps even slightly bitter after losing his closest friend. Yet, he carried a longing memory that powered an inner enlightenment in his regard to life, although he never revealed it to anyone. It was Jared’s light-heartedness and fun-loving temperament that lived on within Lucian, but the others would never understand. They could never be given the opportunity to, for Lucian was still hurting. He understood he would be hurting for the rest of his life. To him, it seemed like the others had moved on. They had found joy and love again and Jared faded into a soft grave mulched with beloved memories to cover the horrific truth of his death. Lucian was always mean and looking for a fight, but with Jared, he was convicted and calm. Jared inadvertently kept Lucian in check. A thousand days had passed since Jared’s death but Lucian kept his pain a secret. His pain had manifested into a light-hearted, fun-loving view towards life but it felt wrong to Lucian to openly act that way. In his mind, he needed to continue being the cynical aggressor to prove he was still himself and that he hadn’t been permanently affected by Jared’s death. If Lucian expressed the same views as Jared, or how he imagined Jared would, then he would be replacing his beloved friend. At least, that’s how he saw it. In truth, Lucian kept an unamused expression on his face to cover what he was really thinking.

As Lucian and his friends trekked across open plains in search of an appropriate place to set up camp, Lucian thought of how soft the grass was, how refreshing the river sounded and how alluring the star-speckled sky was. He thought of it for Jared. He imagined the lot of them playing some aggressive sports game in the late afternoon and Jared smiling and laughing the entire time. Somehow, Lucian was softened by Jared. His joy melted Lucian to the core. But that joy was long gone.

“Hey, you’ve been oddly quiet, what’s up?” Ben asked, gently nudging Lucian as the others marched on in the distance. Lucian kept his hands in his pockets and carried on walking as casually and uncaringly as he could.

“Ah, just tired. It’s kind of a pain coming all the way out here, don’t you think?”

Lucian always tried to be polite with Ben, after all, Jared was his youngest brother.

“Hmm, well I guess it’s quite a long way from town but I think it suits us all, don’t you?” Ben was astonishingly good at countering Lucian’s cynicism. Lucian thought of the words us all. He knew it included Jared and that it did indeed suit them all.

“It’ll be okay if we aren’t attacked by some wild animal in the night,” Lucian replied, dully.

Ben cracked a half-smile, “I’m sure that won’t happen.”

Ben’s girlfriend called from up ahead, prompting Ben to move faster and catch up. Lucian carried on at his own pace, admiring the joy she brought Ben. She never had a chance to meet Jared and yet somehow embodied the same temperament. It was exactly what Ben needed after losing so much of his family. It appeared more obvious than ever now that they were Ben’s family. Lucian felt bad for being unable to let go of Jared but he also felt angry that the others could. It started in kindles as a plain disappointment at their lack of respect for his memory but quickly burned into a wildfire of desperate jealousy. He wanted to live on and be happy again but his happiness resonated with Jared’s. The thought of it struck chords of despair in his heart, but the others would never know. They’d suspect he was just being his normal self. Grumpy, uninterested and unamused. That’s how he always was – unless Jared was there. Another interruption approached, this time, his armour would be cracked again. She could always crack it.

“I know what you’re thinking about, and you know what I would say about it,” Alina said to Lucian quietly.

“Yeah, I know.”

“You know I still feel guilty about it.”

“You shouldn’t. And that doesn’t change how I feel.”

Alina stopped to point out that they both had every right to feel whatever they needed to about it. Lucian stuffed his hands more deeply into his pockets and stretched his torso out.

“Look, I’m not here to ruin fun times but this is where we all used to camp together,” he said with a serious tone.

“I know. It’s a great spot that he would’ve wanted everyone to come to.”

For the first time in a long time, the corner of Lucian’s lips lifted slightly. It was confirmation enough for Alina to know he was going to be okay. She smiled with her eyes and wandered off into the distance to catch up with the others.

Lucian knew things would never be the same but it didn’t mean that it couldn’t get better. No one would replace Jared. No one could. Jared would live on in Lucian’s quiet moments where he would admire the world and the people around him. Jared would smile through Lucian’s thoughts and bring him calmness through the beauty of the world, for Jared was one of the only things that Lucian truly ever loved. A golden treasure on the garbage pile that was Lucian’s life. A golden treasure that melted Lucian’s heart down into something soft and beautiful. A treasure that spread a beautiful glistening gold across everything and everyone he came into contact with. A treasure that spilled over into other lives and continued flowing from them, even if it was a secret.