Inevitable

Content warning: Strong language and references to physical intimacy and emotional distress.

- Everything will start in February

- I’m going to pick you up in my car

- You’ll get the address wrong

- But we’ll find each other and laugh trying to make the anxiety go away

- You’ll look really nice

- I will get us to the bar you choose

- You’re going to pick up the first round of beers

- And the second one as well

- The nerves slowly disappear

- I’ll wonder why it feels so natural to talk to you

- I’ll tell you all about the hospital

- You’ll be ashamed of it

- But you are going to tell me it’s ok

- Of course, because this feels real

- While stumbling to your car I’ll get the feeling we could talk about anything

- I’ll look into your eyes and realize they are pulling me in

- It is as if you’re looking into a masterpiece

- And for a few brief moments that is exactly what it is

- We kiss, it will simply feel…

- Inevitable

- I will want you to hold me closer

- You will occupy a space in my mind

- It will feel like an eternity

- I’ll let you drive my car

- I am way too drunk to be behind this wheel

- But you will do your best

- In the end, you’ll even compliment me

- We kiss goodnight

- We talk every day after that

- You’ll make me feel like a teenager again

- I’ll stay out too late

- I’ll start waking up around noon

- We’ll share a few too many cigarettes

- We kiss in between every single one

- Then there will be that day…

- The one where we’ll watch the city landscape at night

- You’ll take me there

- It’s all because I want to take you some place special

- It’s a high point in the city

- We blast music in my car

- We’ll watch the city lights

- And the stars that shine

- I’ll sing for you

- You’ll be perfect in every way

- We’ll watch over this entire town

- And while I hold your waist a little tighter, I’ll say to myself: I never wish to forget this

- I’ll feel the same, I’ll take too many pictures to always remember this exact sky

- Is this what falling in love feels like?

- You’ll take me home and I’ll stumble to the front door smiling unbeknownst

- Why does it feel so right?

- Well, it couldn’t be

- Before February my heart was completely broken

- And so was mine

- Maybe we could just have some fun

- But this will never be just that

- And when my birthday comes

- You’ll only want to be with me

- I’ve always hated birthdays

- I won’t want you to be alone

- I’ll take you to our spot

- We’ll both be sad

- But I’ll feel a little bit less lonely

- After all, we’ll be lonely together

- Certain things that will come out of your mouth will cut right thru my soul

- It’s because I’ll tell you the truth about how life constantly overwhelms me

- It’ll be real, I’ll feel like I truly know you

- We’ll create some idea that we complement each other

- Because you were there when I didn’t know what I wanted

- And when I felt too broken to imagine that someone could look at me the way that you did

- It will feel right

- Maybe a little too much

- There is a chance this could work out for real

- But you won’t know what to do with it all

- And you’ll be too petrified to let yourself go

- Maybe time will tell or we could take it slow

- But we won’t be able to

- There is just too much happening, why did we fall?

- It’s not like that…

- Because we’ll never be truthful about it

- We’ll never admit what it is

- And how could we? There are skeletons on our closets that remind us of that January week

- But after February everything changed

- And we won’t know what it means

- I’ll write you a letter

- And I’ll do that too

- My mother will know your name

- I’ll be afraid when your friends call us a couple

- We aren’t, right?

- Right…

- But it will feel tough to admit

- A sudden coldness on my throat will choke me

- I’ll imagine you’re a little embarrassed about this

- We just won’t know what to do with it

- It will feel complicated

- It will only feel complicated because it felt true

- But we won’t know what “true” really means

- And I’ll leave the party crying

- Because we tried to talk about it

- Or did we?

- It just felt like words we wanted to be true

- Because you’ll tell me it is not that serious

- And so will you

- But somehow that will hurt even more

- It will maim you

- And it’ll maim you too

- We fuck to forget it

- I’ll be embarrassed I cried that one day, why is it all so overpowering, are we in a crisis?

- But when I feel your skin in the dark it all goes away

- It could work, maybe it can

- I’ll go to your birthday and meet your sister

- Or so you’ll say

- Because we were together when it was my time to turn a year older

- And I’ll believe you’ll be there too

- But when the time comes, I’ll be too scared to get in my car

- While I’ll watch the door the entire night

- I’ll kiss someone else and call her your name

- And I’ll cry at midnight because you never came

- It wasn’t my fault, something else came up, I couldn’t go

- I’ll look at you and say “what an awful lie”

- I’ll sight under the weight of what I did

- I’ll find someone else to fuck to forget about that night

- But we’ll still chase each other like animals who are both prey and predator

- Because it’ll feel unfinished and we’ll know…

- We’ll know so much it hurts…

- That there was something about this that was real

- We simply can’t help but to wonder

- So, we’ll stay a little longer.

(…)

- We’ll still not know what is true and what is not

- I won’t know what I want

- And I’ll crumble with the idea this might’ve been love

- It’ll drive me crazy the idea that you’ll always occupy a space in my mind

- Even when I’m convinced that you’ve decided to let this go

- I’ll give you a call like nothing happened

- We’ll try to pin-point the blame

- It’s because of what you said

- No, everything shattered because of that night

- Maybe if February had been different…

- But maybe it couldn’t have been…

- It’ll be nonsensical

- We’ll simply never know what it means until it is too late

- And we’ll come to a conclusion when it’s all dead and buried

- Perspective will be earned

- We’ll remember when we watched the city lights, when everything was perfect

- Then we’ll realize what “true” means

- But we’ll go on with our lives, as if nothing changed, like you never came.

- It all sounds so awful

- But it’ll also feel like magic

- Yes, it will

- Maybe that’s romance

- Maybe it is inevitable…

- I know, because we can see how everything will happen

- But still, you’ll pick me up on February

- Months later, we’ll perform the autopsy of what it used to be

- And we’ll never again be truly together.