Arachnophobia

It was a long time ago. I think the Australian Southern Cross is good at yoga, taking eight legs and pressing two legs at each corner of the perimeter of imaginary square forming a stick and hook like cross. It's body having yellow curved stripes, probably to warn off predators and its orb with gossamer stretching out to a post in the group carport, whilst other supporting threads catch the clothes line and if not careful will extend to the car's side mirror. My friend was scared when she arrived late after an appointment at the doctor's surgery.

I heard her scream calling her available squadron, me, to come and kill the spider! I had heard this many times before as these spiders are die-hards, their Web is knocked down, they rebuild again. There was a plethora of small insects at this time. The El Nino effect had brought heaps of rain. That meant heaps of now damp mulch in the garden beds spilling onto the concrete walkway and driveway. The plant waste had dried to muck that could not be swept off but rather a spade was needed to scope it back into the garden.

Yes, the hot summer sun was shining heat nearly everywhere. However, the shades mulch had a way of multiplying insects and other things much to a hungry spiders delight. I'm not sure how a spider sees, maybe it's like a bee having a oval honeycomb shape view? Or like if humanity developed a disco ball surveillance camera, viewing things upside down distorting some vision so it could maybe hone on a plastic cap on a shoelace or a heavy coats drawstring?

Anyway I plodded out to Elise with my coffee. I put my chin as close to my chest and looked at her in the eyes and breathing out, "It won't hurt you, you know!" In her hand she was swinging the green garden hose at the Web. I could see the rake around the hidden around the corner leaning against the brick wall. I stayed silent she needed to get her angst out on the poor spider. "Oh poor spider"

The female flew through the air. She was a matriarchy, like say, the praying mantis, queen of her domain. I'm sure she was yelling, "Psycho" in the tumble which landed her and upright on the an oiled or waxy leaf. Or perhaps she'd done kindy gym when she was little her mother having a premonition of her own squashed death at the hands of the screaming one!

I waved at the neighbour who stuck his head out. He raised his head and I nodded. Elise did not see him, I guess he was glad about that also in the know of the weekly, sometimes daily drama. I sipped my coffee, "Nice day Warren... "

He waved and banged the window shut.

Things went quiet the spider move to behind the bush and nailed her trap to comrade Warren for awhile. Then the winds come. It whistled like a their wandering and scanning the homes of wealthy homes clustered quietly, with the apparency of being abandoned where people slept, attended work and their children at school. That whistle turning over leaves from damp-to-paper structure, blow drying filaments of roots, fibres, and adding old lolly wrappers and chip packets from the footpaths gutter to our driveway.

The dryness also stirred up birds, worms, witchedy grubs. Heaps of visceral delights around depending what you were incarnated as. Loty was one of those customers you might like, we liked her! She had bobbed dark hair, green rolled cotton cuff, shirt crushed on hip with three year old child with well washed tracksuit patterned with faded stains. She multitasked placing her purse on the counter and struggling to pull her tightly position bankcard at a cramed pocket where her library card, spotlight discount sat behind disorganised slightly to spill out as her child sucked on her juice baby bottle.

SCREECH, it ricocheted from the walls, to the TV screen to the desk into three pairs of ears. All our eyes opened seeing a siren, hair standing on end looking matted running in circles or like when ambulance, fire engine, police all in a hurrier cavalcade going to the same destination. It was just as loud!

SCREECH, SCREECH, SCREECH and finally the hallow got articulated- SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER!!!

The child dropped her bottle, as Loty reached for the bottle, the child slipped onto the floor and crying. Loty swung around we both were trying to find the offending party, it was big, the screa was big, we were looking for BIG! I was thinking a Huntsman SPIDER, they are harmless unless the urban legend is they can cross with another poisinous spider like the Redback.

Huntsman spiders look creepy but they are scratchy like steel wool. The memory flashed before my eyes, as I breathed heavy, I was boarding in the spare room of a friend's home in the Australian bush. I am a sleeper who needs security of sheets or blankets but that night was around 28 degrees after a 40 degree day. Consequently, I had no sheets covering me and no fan to add to the discomfort but finally I feel asleep. I awoke to this feeling of painful scratching moving from my carve past my knee to my thigh. The bush has no street lights so without the moon and small sliding window near the ceiling I awoke and flicked off what felt like crushed aluminium. Instead, the thing bulldozed itself towards my hip!

Moving forward, the same aluminium hairy, scratchy, brown bulldozer thing came at me in broad daylight. It's body had what looked like a 5cm circumference body that looked like an exoskeleton. And I was vacuuming. I sucked it up and continued to vacuum the house. When finished, I did my ritual:

- Shooving the machine to the back wall near the fridges power plug;

- Carefully straightening and uncoiling the suction pipe;

- Placing the arm and foot upright;

- Sliding the effect so the foot was mostly under the vacuums wheel;

- Jamming the pipe into space;

- and finally leaning arm on adjacent cupboard. Its sort of like fitting too many socks in drawer, so no one trips with a kitchen fork or knife or hot coffee.

Then I saw two legs dig their way out of the head, followed by that body!

That horrifying image brought me back scanning everywhere for IT! I could not see any brown scratchy prehistoric things and the other two spectators did not either. Still I ran to the linen cupboard, as a precaution, I pulled out a straw broom passing immediately to Loty, like an emergency team! Elise pointing doe eyed! "Oh it's a penny spider" Loty said as she brushed the brute onto the straw. "Don't you mind if I put it in the garden?"

The sun still shone outside and it was the end of the week, both pay day and clean up Friday, the standard shared staff duties were followed. I had the same broom sweeping off the floor and suddenly I thought of a joke. I put the dust into the bin and proceeded to my friend's work station. My broom was in front of me held out flat like I was balancing something in her doorway. "Elise I found another spider" She jumped out of her chair, ran in the opposite direction slamming into a desk near the window and hunch over the waste paper bin expunging air then vomiting.

I realised my practical joke was not funny. I realised that was a real case of Arachnophobia! "Oops! I apologise"