WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT

Once upon a time…No, no, that is not a good beginning. How shall I start this?

Don’t know. That is not easy to explain something so complicated.

Ok, I asked him “What do you really want?”

He didn’t answer. I taught that he is confused. I taught that he is shy. Maybe he has hidden agenda. Maybe he is dangerous. Who knows? Was it what I want to do? To meet someone new and mysterious? A man! 

Sweet, good-looking, tall, strong… Somehow, he attracted me. Immediately!

Suddenly! But stilli

No, no it was not so suddenly! Not at all! He lived in my hometown. I lived in town nearby but spent summer holidays there. I saw him but don’t know him.

He was some stranger who lives there, nothing specially. I knew his wife. He died from cancer few years ago. And that is all what I knew about him.

But one day, on the beach, he asks me something, like “How are you” or “Really hot day” or something similar, I forgot. 

I was polite and answer like, “I am ok” and “Yes, really hot day” or something similar, I forgot.

That was last summer.

This summer he starts to ask me something about something often than usually. I was confused. What he really wants? It was something new for me. I have been divorced for five years. I left my ex-husband after long time, too long, I realized now, because he was very intelligent but narcistic, self-orientated, selfish and bit sociopathic guy. I realized that almost too late. But still.

Anyway, new guy was persistent to talk with me on any occasion he can get. 

I was confused and my best friend told me “You stupid, he likes you!” Really?

So, I paid an attention and realize that my friend told me a truth.

Wow, who can tall that.

So, I paid attention on him and asked him, over Facebook when he come in my town, we can drink a cup of coffee or so. He accepted immediately. 

And here we are! He is sitting opposite to me and comment some daily things. He looks so good, smell so good and looking me straight to my eyes. I am not confused. Feel that we know each other forever. Everything is so easy, and I can talk whatever I want without any barriers. Seems to me that everything is so natural and relaxed.

And suddenly he is touching my leg, like accidentally, but I know that is not. 

Then he is smiling and touch my hand…and I am asking him “What do you want?”. He is silent. But I can see some shadow in his eyes. Just for the moment.

Anyway, we started a passionate romance. Noone knows about that. His kids and family, my kids and family. Noone. That was a time just for us. Our space, our moments, our music. 

And of course, we had a sex. Sometime tender, sometime dramatic and passionate but always with respect. It was like rollercoster..

We had a bad moment too. His kids noticed changes on him and realized that he has somebody in his life. He was terrified. After that he reduce our time. I let him. That is matter of voluntary, nobody should force other person to fulfil their will or so.

I broke up several time, but it was not successful. We couldn’t be separate for a long.

I fight, all the time, with his uncertainty about me. “You are too smart for me!” he used to say.

He also thinks that he is too old for “this”. Once he told me “I was sure that my time, as a man, is over!” And the realization that his time had not passed completely freaked him out.

It is not easy to reconcile expectations. I am totally romantic and expected fairy tale scenarios. Like, pink clouds, flowers, romantic messages, hugs and kisses in a public place… And he is so closed, shy, but person who can show things by doing not talking… I am talking all the time. Smile and laugh all the time… I am looking the World as a good place with some dark clouds sometimes… He is more suspicious, he is careful, analytic and not so optimistic.

He likes my optimism, my smile and good will… and he grounds me. We are soulmates for sure.

I understand that he is so shy and unsecure. He needs a time and space as well as me. We both respect that.

But we have a lot of to talk about, he makes me a better person, more calm, pore patient and he told me that I enriched his life. 

About hope and love we all want and need, that is a real example. I am always looking for somebody who will love me. Me as I am. Without conditions, without expectations, without demands… I know that is the dream, real dream in a loveless world. In a world full of hatred, greed and fear that seems like unrealistic dream.

But it is not. Believe me. And someone said, “Hope is the dream of the awake!”

That is the truth. 

And year after that, we are still together. Even if he said that he is not person for long term relationship. Even if he said that he cannot promise me enthusiasm which I expected. He is still here.

I forgot to tell you, he is 71 and I am 62. Both were more than 30 years in previous marriages. After all these years we finally find each other. That is like miracle, but I am sure that it is not. It was meant to be. 

He has similar name like my ex-husband, and I have similar name like his wife.

Sometimes I think that somehow destiny mixed up something and we missed each other in a space.

Doesn’t matter, we are here now.

And yeah, doesn’t really matter what he really wants. Important is what we really do!