The Diary of a Loner

February 1, 2015 - Ok, I guess I will start off with my name. Hello, I am Analia, and all of my life I have been trying to understand myself, especially when I was younger. I have always been the weird outsider that could never make any friends. I tried but I either got too scared or thought they secretly did not like me and it caused me great anxiety. Let’s be honest, a lot of things cause me anxiety. Some might say I had the perfect childhood and I agree but only to a certain extent. The older I get I start to worry that somehow I missed all the mean remarks people said to me and took them as jokes or just disregarded the comments. But I was never bullied, I think, and everyone likes me. That is what I like to think even to this day, that everyone likes me but there is a creeping feeling that everyone hates me.

February 7, 2015 - Recently something has been bothering me so I went to the town witchery. I was walking around looking at the beautiful scenery. The trees were full and all sorts of autumn colors and they were ever so gracefully blowing in the wind, the air was crisp and clear; it felt like I was in a wonderland. I was walking along the gravel path looking around when I saw a man meditating. I have always wanted to try meditating but could never do it. I did not want to interrupt him while he was meditating so I walked around and looked at some stuff for about thirty minutes and went back to see if he was done. Luckily he was, as it was getting late, I asked him how he learned to meditate and he gave me all the information I needed. I went home and tried it.

February 14, 2015 - I have been trying for weeks but nothing happened, so I looked up a youtube video on how to meditate for beginners and I am still waiting to see results. I will update you when something happens.

February 21, 2015 - I am seeing really good results. After a few months, I have started to realize things I never thought I would realize. I never thought I would have such a low EQ - emotional IQ - It used to be quite strong, so strong I could feel how the actors were feeling on the TV screen. I can not do that anymore. It is also becoming harder for me to understand my own and others' emotions but I guess it is just me growing up. Meditating has made me more self-aware. I am glad I got into it.

June 12, 20 15 - I never realized how much I struggled in my past. I could never make friends. I had one but she was mean and did not like me anymore. It was a 10-12 year friendship and it broke me. I have always struggled to make friends mainly due to anxiety. I am starting to not like meditating.

June 28, 2015- Meditating has ruined me. I can't think straight right now and I am overwhelmed with thoughts of my past. The past events that keep recurring are eating me alive. I have remembered how lonely I was as a child. I seem to be worse at understanding social cues too. It is getting pretty tough and I read somewhere that social anxiety can get worse with age. I am pretty sure I have that now that I am remembering such details about my younger self.

August 1, 2015 - I have realized that I have always liked being around older people and younger people but rarely my peers. Even still I feel as though nobody wants to be around me. I do not understand how to make friends. I can only compare it to a rule book that I never got but everyone else did.

August 23, 2015 - I do not want to keep meditating anymore. I do not like how it is making me feel. I feel hopeless for some reason and it is making me feel depressed. I can not get out of bed anymore and eating feels like a chore. I wish I could stop but the moment you break the routine something bad happens I guess. That is what the man said and I can remember it word for word he said Once you start you will be fine but be careful it is like a drug and once you stop you will start scratching your skin, it is your brain itching for more it is your brain telling you that it needs to go and see what went wrong and where life went wrong. You will never be the same during and you will never be the same after you stop. You will become secluded, people will start to worry about you and you will start to hurt so much. The pain will never go away and soon it will be too much to bear. You will want to kill yourself. So you have two options: Never start or Never stop. It’s your decision. And I have thought about that every day.

October 31, 2015 - I have been considering stopping meditating but I worry about what will happen to me. I don’t want to be the cause of my own destruction but I fear that has already happened. Oh God, I am too self-aware I am scared of myself. I keep thinking of crazy things that shouldn't be thought of.

November 13, 2015 - Ok I stopped, I have stopped for about two weeks and I feel just fine. He was probably just trying to scare me. I have noticed my skin feeling a little itchy but that also might just be the seasons changing or my allergies acting up.

December 27, 2015 - My skin is falling off of my body from scratching it so much. I haven't eaten in two weeks. I do not know how I am still alive. All I wanted to do was figure out what was wrong with me but now I think I am going to end my suffering. I can’t take myself anymore. I make myself sick, goodbye.