Diary Entry of a Troubled Young Man

Consistency, a fleeting fragment of a component in character that many search so one knows that they took control of their life. I ask, can peace and freedom be found in consistency? How much easier would it be to follow along with those who crave adventure and find their meaning in new skies. New skies are where you can find the new you. Or those who find it all in the moment. A moment where you love yourself because there's nothing but that one moment to go off of.

I'm not in any of these categories and I lament for myself and others who suffer the same. Will we find ourselves in one later in life or become content with the mess of a person we become?

I have stared at the same night sky no matter how far I've gong and that consists of thousands of miles and thousands of days. That growth and change that people strive for I never found.

Meaning, it's come and go, the same with peace. Consistency is not in the cards for me either, despite that same wicked sky. If the end of the world, my world, bring upon a new sky? What a foolish notion.

"It's so comfortable, isn't it?" I ask the man standing next to me as we overlook the moon casting its reflection off the lake. The scene was so tranquil I found it suffocating. This is not usual. The moon full night always released me with this being the only exception. A young man like me who holds good character closer than blood and family finds this struggle inevitable. It's because I follow an abstract dream I don't understand.

There are times I want to join the others, the parties, the drinking, the foolishness. The dirty jokes and swearing and fighting. But I'm too far from them despite my desire to be closer. Consistently a contradiction. At least I'm that. But not comfortable.

"No," the man answers. "The night can't be comfortable for you tonight."

I laugh, "why not? It usually works. All the weight I can release with a breath. Not this particular night, though."

"Stop talking like that, no one knows what you are saying," he said in an amused tone.

"I think it's weird too, I... Just find it easier to talk to you like that."

"You sleep when it's day and come to life at night to look at the sunlight bouncing off the moon. You should fix your sleep schedule."

"I would if it was that easy."

"You're right. It's not easy. That's why the night cannot be easy for you just like how the day cannot."

"But the day life is too much," I whined with a smile.

I've bounced from school to school, job to job, and failed so many times. It's been so long I don't even want success. The only feeling I want I get when I sit by the lakeside and talk to this man. He makes fun of me sometimes, but I know he loves these moments we exchange. I would like to exchange more moments like this with him, maybe then I would receive more guidance. A bit more clarity or even blind peace would be nice.

No, this man won't allow anything to blind me. Every word and action of his has profound meaning.

The waters look so dark. The stars cannot be seen in them yet they're so bright this night. I'm not even in the water but it terrified me.

"I'm afraid," I say.

"So am I."

"What are you afraid of?"

"You will sail off one day and there will be nights where you only see black waters and a sky with no light. The stars will be concealed in thick clouds and the moon will hide from your eyes."

I sought the meaning in the words and failed to find them. He was speaking so plainly, which was uncommon, so why?

"It will be you and the boat, and the powers of chaos will envelop you. A challenge like no other, one you are destined to fail."

"Now you are talking all weird," I said half-heartedly. My voice was as obstructed as my vision.

His smile was so pained I couldn't help myself. The man did not embrace me, so I found no comfort in my tears.

"A deep ocean, much deeper than this lake before you and a sky that stretches farther than any evil. Evil always finds a way in this universe and that evil will come for you. This is not about you maturing, this about your prayer coming true."

He's right. I asked the Father for something. That request and all the details are between us and the man.

"Why will I fail?"

"I know you don't comprehend my words right now but the answer to that question, you already know."

"He will succeed."

A single cloud covered the moon and there was only the starlight in this part of night.

The man was gone.

I have no control over consistency, neither peace nor freedom. No paddle to direct the boat and I was too terrified to use my hand in the water. Life pushed me around like the moon's pull against the waves. So many factors come before me and a choice I want to make that I realize I'm at the bottom of the hierarchy.

Time, space, matter, events, other people. . . God. All of these have an influence on my reality before I have a say. Even if I interpret the world, it only becomes an option after the world does what it wants. Then there's God, the one at the top of order. He came to speak with me and now I'm left in the water alone without His light.

Is this a coming-of-age story?

I'd be upset if it was just that. There's too many of these dark skies for me to accept it. Maybe it is and I'm being stubborn.

I'm once again left alone, knowing nothing and looking for answers in a dark sky. A dark existence.