My Alluring Nightmare

Warning: Contains themes of sudden death and grief

I closed the door of my bedroom and sank into my mattress, curling up with the pile of clean laundry I had no energy to put away. My body ached and my type A brain was still overanalyzing trying to make sense of the day. So much had happened in such little time. I finally got the overworked nut to slow itself and had to force myself to sleep. My eyes were heavy and when they closed it was if my day had started all over again. There were quick flashes of things that had happened throughout the morning. Unpacking, going to the gym, grabbing lunch, and before I knew it, I heard the scream that pulled me into the basement.

I saw him on the floor but I couldn’t hear anything other than my own heartbeat thudding. The pound got faster and echoed throughout the room as everything in front of me slowed down. I blinked, and when I opened my eyes I was staring into his with my hands pushing on his chest. His eyes never looked away from mine and I could see him fighting against his own body, fighting for his family, fighting for another breath, fighting for his life. As tears fell from my cheek to his, the 911 operators voice broke through the silence as the paramedics dragged me off of him and forced me upstairs.

Standing alone upstairs I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do now. I ran out to the garage and met my mom who was hunched over in tears. I grab ahold of her and squeezed as we watch the paramedics open up the basement window and slide my dad through on the stretcher. The neighbors start gathering in the cul de sac as he was taken to the ambulance and rushed off. Without hesitation our favorite neighbor corralled us into his car and tailed the ambulance all the way to the hospital. 

I sat in our private waiting room, surrounded by people and yet I had never felt more alone. Nothing about this feels right. This can't be real. A ping of pain pulsed through my arm and I looked down to realize I had been pinching my skin to the point that little drops of blood started slowly oozing out. 

Looking around the room I see my brother on the phone with our other brother telling him he needed to cut his Florida vacation short and get home. I found my sister sitting in the back of the room over analyzing every detail of the ceramic tiles beneath her. I keep scanning for my mom but didn't find her until a little group of people split off and spotted her in the middle of them all absolutely hysterical. 

The pain in my arm intensified as my grip tightened. Wake up, Maddie. Please wake up. 

The doctor entered the room and everyone jumped to their feet. Without looking up from the blood dripping a little quicker from my forearm I heard her say "We did everything we could". My heart started racing again even though I'm not even sure it ever stopped, but now I'm much more aware of it. My lungs seemed to shrink in size as I started gasping for air. Arms wrapped around me and squeezed, forcing out a small whimper. Another set of arms grabbed me and the combination of their squeeze pushed out a deep and low cry I've never heard before. 

In another flash, my nightmare turned into a sweet dream. I was sitting at a picnic table with my family in the middle of a beautiful unfamiliar park. The sky was painted a color bluer than our eyes after tears have glossed them over. The grass was long and luscious with wildflowers sprinkled throughout the endless field. The air around me seemed to contain the 4 am fog with storm clouds lurking in the distance. At the table I'm sitting next to my dad and kept asking “are you okay,” trying to make sense of what I had just experienced. He looked at me with his squinty eyed smirk and said “I’m okay, baby.” We all sat there soaking up every little detail of him, trying to determine what was real. Every question was asked and every answer was more frustrating than the last. The empty park sent our crying laughter reverberating off of the invisible walls that seemed to protect us in our private little piece of heaven. 

There were so many unfamiliar feelings in that unfamiliar place with the most familiar people in my life. 

Probably annoyed out of his mind with my repeating questions daddy looked at me with his watery blue eyes and promised everything was going to be okay. A tear ran down his face as he leaned in to hug me and repeated in my ear "Everything is going to be okay". In that moment I believed him and quickly realized I had never felt more safe and calm than I did in his arms. Thunder rumbled the floor beneath us and I opened my eyes to the dark gray clouds that hovered over us. A brisk run of the wind pulled us apart and I was swooped away with the breeze. The sky crept closer, closing in on my dad by himself at the picnic table with a big smile on his face and his eyes still locked on mine. The moment was slipping away from me and no matter how hard I fought or how loud I screamed I couldn't stop it. 

Completely absorbed by the clouds I lost sight of him. A crack of lightening jolted me awake and my puffy eyes opened to a wet pillow with his teddy bear in my arms. I walked over to the slightly opened window breathing in the fresh fallen rain as the cold breeze hit my tear streaked cheeks.

Little did I know that was only the preface to my real nightmare, and there is no waking up from reality.