Much Ado About Nothing

“Your haircut is an act of cultural appropriation against the retard community” Betty said as Ben walked into theschool  cafeteria with Klaus. Hera missed the days when Betty would use a funny tone of voice for her insults. Back then she was sure it was a game, now more and more of her was starting to wonder if it was something more… but what? Ben and Betty had no reason to hate each other did they?

“Nah. It ain’t cultural appropriation. Only a genuine retard would put up with you” Ben replied

“Wow it’s like you to are both trying to flirt by negging”

“Shut up Klaus the clod!” Betty snapped.

“Yeah in spanish your name would be Clodio!” Ben added and automatically held up his hand for a high five. As her hand touched his Betty felt … something; which she quickly sublimated into inspiration for a Kissing scene in her Human Centipede fanfiction.

Ben and Betty exchanged a few more insults as Klaus and and hero tried to discuss “the boys” in the gaps.

As they finished their lunches, Hero and Betty left by the schools front door to walk in along the sidewalk and smoke as was the custom among “nice girls” and Klaus and Ben left to smoke in the designated smoking area as was the custom among everyone else.

****

“Are you and Ben negging each other? I honestly can’t tell” Hera asked

“It’s cruelty and a friendly contest all mixed together. I’m honestly not sure myself what the proportions are” Betty replied

“I’m told 12 year old boys are mean to the girls they like” Hera said

“I had a boyfriend when I was 12 and his meanest trait was that he left me because I insulted him too much” 

“You had a boyfriend before?!? How many sexual experiences have you not told me about!”

“I’ve done things that would count as sex… had I been a fish and not a mammal” Betty offered

“I’ve seen bugs land on me after having landed on boys I liked, so I suppose I would be deflowered had I been a flower and not a woman” Hera said

“.... You’re starting to learn puns and word games from me!!!! I’ve finally graduated to the level of being someone's bad influence!!” Betty squealed in delight.

****

“Are you and Betty Negging each other” Klaus asked

“I don’t think so… I mean I want a girlfriend who does the freaky stuff. “ Ben replied

“But Betty maybe likes you and as far as I know no freaky sexpots are willing to talk to you”

Ben couldn’t admit to virginity so he told the first lie he could think of “Hera has more of a freaky side then you’d believe”

“Hera! She seems like such a goody two shoes”

“She is good at… many things and owns considerably more than two shoes” Ben said which set Klaus off thinking.

“You’re not still with her are you?”

“Nah, I don’t want to be tied down”

****

Hera had never been to a candlelight picnic before and could see the romance in it; the ruddy glow of the candles made Klaus look like he was blushing and the imperfect light hid his imperfections.

“It’s pretty! Why are you all of a sudden trying to make things pretty for me? You never bothered before?” she asked.

“I never really thought about the fact that you were pretty before”

“What changed?”

“Well I was talking to Ben and he said good things about you…”

“I have a hard time believing Ben said good things about anyone”

Hera couldn’t see any blush in the candlelight, but Klaus's voice sounded embarrassed as he explained “He, uhmmm, said you were good at sex stuff…”

“Ohh. Ohhh my…. I really am suprised Ben said that” Hera looked over the picnic spread, with it’s cheese platter, club sandwiches and beer. It’s true Klaus’s parents are german and see it as right and proper to give beer to 15 year olds if they ask nicely; but still this meal represented far more effort and money, then he normally put into feeding himself. Hera liked being wanted this way… surely it wouldn’t hurt to go along with the lie a bit.

“I’m trying not to be too much of a slut … So sadly it will be 2 or 3 more dates before I can show you how right he was… Don’t be sad. Next date I will bring the food! And I promise you I’m also an excellent cook!” Hera replied and gently kissed Klaus.

***

Maybe Betty is trying to flirt with me. After all she’s a nice churchy girl so it’s not like she'd buy a t-shirt with “i’m horny” written on it.

Would it be so bad to date a girl like Betty? She keeps me on my toes and has 3 holes. My future children deserve the best start in life… and sucking on those tits would be a good way to start anything!

How do you go from frenemy to boyfriend? 

Ben called Betty up.

“ Hey, You know how Tyla is having a concert tonight?”

***

Maybe Ben is trying to flirt with me. After all,he has this whole “I’m an alpha not a simp” game going so he’s never go right out and tell a girl “oh wowsers! I sure do think you’re swell!”

Would it be so bad to date a guy like Ben? He keeps me on my toes and seems fit enough to move heavy furniture… and do those other things a woman needs a man for . My future children deserve the best start in life… and being swung around in his arms would be a good way to start anything!

How do you go from frenemy to girlfriend? 

Betty’s phone started ringing

“Hey you know Tyla is having a concert tonight”

“I know a great many things”

“Good! Well then you know how that would make it impossible for her to come to my place for netflix and chill;I’m thinking I could have you over as a plan B?”

“Gossiping about disappointing dates is an important form of female bonding; I suppose going out with you could help my social life in that way…”

“See you at 7?”

“6:30. We might need a couple hours”

“Of course”

Betty hung up and then howled in joy.

****

Hera considered the knife she was chopping vegetables with. The most exciting thing in her life right now was built on a lie. The knife could solve the problem. A bit of pain, a bit of blood, then no danger of facing the music.

That decision was final so she should take her time to think about it.

She finished chopping the vegetables and put them in a frying pan with the marinated steaks as it cooked on low she contemplated the knife. If she was going to go through with her plan she wanted it to be with something beautiful… the knife was beautiful in its own way.

When the time came to turn the steak off her mind was made up. She washed the knife carefully and brought it to the bathroom with her

She carefully put her clothes aside to prevent them from being bloodstained. There was no excuse for being wasteful.

She carefully sat on the toilet with her legs open and placed the knife handle against he hymen preparing to pop her own cherry.

Then the doorbell rang. And she was forced to abandon her plan.

****

“I don’t care if you were secretly a former prostitute. I think I’d still marry you if it meant I could regularly eat like that!” Klaus said.

He’d forgive me for having slept with 100 men. But would he forgive me for not sleeping with any ? Hera wondered.

“I guess you need to get home now since all the food is in our stomachs” she said.

“Please, surely it is best if we kiss and … stuff a bit now before doing that.” He said.

“What if we go too far? We both have full bellies… do you really want to risk our first time together including one of us getting a cramp or throwing up from doing extreme physical exercise right after eating?” she said playing for time

“That can happen?!?!” he asked

“Why else would people avoid swimming after eating?”

“If we watch something sexy on netflix that could give us time to digest our food” he said

“I can’t think of any problems with that idea” She replied defeated.

****

By the third episode of bridgerton they’d been kissing for a while and he had her bra off. He didn’t pause netflix and bring her to her bedroom to focus on her. 

He paused netflix and brought her to his room so he could focus on Bridgerton later, he was honestly starting to enjoy the show and care about the characters.

It was dark in her room and he was an inexperienced boy. It took him a few tries to get it in her.

It was the best 5 minutes of his life..

“I’m sorry” Hera said

“Girls have periods every month. I’ll just take a shower before getting dressed”

“Oh yeah. Period. Of course. I’ll join you for the shower and we’ll scrub eachother down!”

As she set the shower up he couldn’t believe his good fortune. If Ben was a gentleman who didn’t tell he’d probably have never got with his true love… A few ill considered words made everything awesome. 

If words are nothing then a nothing is due everything!