At What Price?

        At What Price

Suzanne Marsh

“I WANT A HORSE NOW!” I screamed at the top of my lungs for the hundredth time. I am an only child, despite what people think being an only child does not have any advantages; you do something wrong and there is no one to blame but yourself; it sucks. I have always managed to get my way no matter the consequences. I discovered early in life that I got almost everything I wanted. I was five when my mom decided I should go to Catholic School, I wondered what I did wrong, the nuns and I were always at loggerheads, and it did not matter what it was about. I was a contrary child if the nun said the moon was yellow I said it was made of green cheese. The nuns tried, and I spent a lot of time writing I would not talk out loud in class, or I would not use spitballs on my classmates, those were five hundred times a piece, I learned to write with my left hand as well as my right, I still do.

I had numerous pets over the years, and my parents thought if I had a dog I would learn to take responsibility for the dog. It was not a bad idea it simply did not work for me. I loved to take the dog for walks, I just did not want to clean the yard, I would feed the dog and play with her. Dad decided that I was going to pick up the dog poop since it was my dog. That was not a bad idea either, dad made a “thing” out of steel that he called a pooper scooper. I laughed at that but surprisingly it worked very effectively. About this time I won a beagle puppy, I could only have one dog, so old Missy went to the ASPCA, she was ill so Dad thought it best. I was still on pooper scooper duty, however, grumbling every time I had to go out to the backyard. I was entering my rebellious teenage years.

The horse I wanted desperately was a small chestnut Morgan named Pandora, I wanted that horse so badly. I yelled and screamed, pouted and cried, nothing would change my dad’s mind. I was not being overly reasonable since we lived in the city and a horse needs land to graze. That however did not stop me, I eventually acquired two horses and two ponies. Living my dream of being on a farm, was a formula for disaster or so it seemed. The dream ended in a nightmare divorce, I was discovering that although I had everything I wanted there was no real happiness involved. The divorce marked the beginning of the end. My mom was dying from Parkinson’s Disease, there was nothing I could do except watch. I became angry with my mom, she had not been there when I was growing up, now when I finally had the chance to know her this disease left her with no voice, I was so angry.

Fate sometimes has a strange way of interfering with life as it continues, in my case my divorce played a central role. I went home to my dad, mom had died the previous spring so it was the two of us. Dad had a lady friend whom I hoped he would eventually marry, she was a very loving, caring human being. The dad and Ruthbecame my support system, and dad and I began to talk. There was one instance when Dad said something that stopped me in my tracks:

“I could have told you not to marry him.” I glared up at my dad standing there:

“Then why didn’t you?” Dad in his infinite amount of wisdom replied:

“You would not have listened.” He was correct that I wouldn’t have, I was so full of myself. I came to know my dad not just as my dad but as a human being, what a difference that made in my thinking about many things. I developed respect for my dad especially as I grew into the person I wanted to be.

I had met several people the summer before while working at a canning factory, one girl kept telling me I should meet her brother...I kept telling her I didn’t need a brother. I still wasn’t grasping the concept; I could not have anything I wanted just because I wanted it. I lost the farm, and my children during the divorce but I gained knowledge about the concept of give and take. I met a man eight years my junior and eight years my senior, I fell in love with him, almost from the moment I met him. I took him home to meet my dad, something I wish I had done the first time. Dad, being dad took one look at the full beard, and all he could get out of his mouth was:

“My God, he looks like Grizzly Adams!” Grizzly and I have been married for over forty years, so I guess I am doing something correctly now. We have eleven grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren. These events have changed my life in ways I never would have thought possible. I have found an inner peace I had no idea existed. I sometimes think that having everything I wanted as a child and into young adulthood was leading me to a life of love and true happiness. I don’t think there is a recipe for happiness, I think that comes from a feeling of inner peace.

My dad passed away twenty-four years ago, I miss him and his guidance. I miss talking to him, I miss his smile but most of all I miss the love; that existed; between Dad and me. I sometimes wonder how Dad managed to survive my childhood, the teenage years, and my young adulthood but he did.

Was it worth the price that I paid for being an only child? Was it worth giving me everything I wanted? Not really, the one thing I wanted was to be loved like any other child. Mom never really took the time she was always working. Was she trying to stay away from Dad and me? Those answers will never be answered and speculating on any answers is simply not worth the effort any longer.

Did I learn that I could not have everything I ever wanted? Yes, it was a hard lesson to learn however I did learn it. Was it worth the price? No.