Standing Her Ground

**This is part of a much bigger story**

June 2019

Cue the pre-exam breakdown. My heart felt like it was about to explode. There was so much writing on this one exam, and I couldn't shake the feeling like I was going to blunder again. 

I laid out all my notes, my textbook marked and labelled. Praise the Lord for open book exams. I was as prepared as I could be. That wasn't in dispute. Now all I needed was food to fuel me through the next hour and a half.

'Apple and hummus, and I'll be good to start,' I muttered to myself as I made my way to the kitchen. The exam opened soon, fifteen minutes. Plenty of time to fuel up and control my breathing and anxiety.

All was going to be okay. 

There was nothing better than the salty air breezing through the open balcony doors and the sound of the knife hitting the chopping board. It was a gorgeous day out and I was wearing my favourite black pink and white floral maxi dress. 

Better yet, Kaleb knew the one rule of exam days. 

“Don’t interrupt me during my exam”. 

It was a pretty simple rule considering I needed complete concentration and didn’t need my boyfriend coming in every five minutes for sex, food, or because he was bored and wanted to do something. It was the only time he ever showed any ounce of interest in me in the past year. 

With a full plate of apple and hummus, I headed back to the study. There was the strong smell of Dior Sauvage in the hallway, causing my anxiety levels to spike up again. My heart felt like it was in my stomach and my throat felt like it was tightening. I didn’t hear him leave my bedroom, and for a very good reason, he was up to no good.

As soon as I entered the home study, where I sat my exams, it was trashed. My textbook was torn and scribbled on - completely ruined ruined, and it wasn’t cheap, almost $200. My notes that I spent ages on torn and scribbled on too. The internet was disconnected and would take ages to reboot as I would have to search for the password. 

It wasn’t a quick fix. 

I was only gone for two minutes. How could he have possibly done this in that short time frame? Everything was trashed. Tears pricked my eyes, threatening to pour. I saw red. Steam blew out of my ears.

In case I couldn’t sit the exam on time, I pulled out my phone getting solid evidence of the wreckage and disconnected internet. I turned on my phone's hotspot and setting it up quickly. Frantically typing in my password and refreshing every tab on Google.

This would have turned out very differently if I didn’t have my phone. Given the state of the room, he would’ve hidden it too. He knew damn well that I’d pass this even without my notes. Though on the plus side, if there even was a plus side, if he knew that I’d pass, then maybe I needed to have a little more faith in myself.

'Thank fuck I had my phone on me. That asshole.'

The exam opened in less than 3 minutes now, and I could utilise the anger to blitz through, show up my boyfriend’s tiny mind. 

'Why the fuck did he do that?' I couldn’t help but ask myself. 

I refreshed the page once the clock ticked over and immediately hit 'start'. 

Anger, frustration, and adrenaline fuelled me. I didn't need my notes or textbook. I knew the answers. 

I felt Kaleb's eyes on me as I ferociously clicked the mouse on the multiple-choice questions, and typed into the one worded answer questions. This man was going down. Fuck him. Acknowledging his presence was only going to screw with my head even more, but he wasn’t making it easy.

He had a goal and that was to ensure my self-esteem was so low that I’d doubt myself and fail. I don’t know how he figured that out, unless he’s broken more boundaries than I know about. 

'You're not going to pass, you know fuck all. You failed it once before.' He baited my subconscious, just as I predicted.

No wonder why I was exhausted. My energy was being split between university and constantly ensuring that my mentality remained strong enough to keep ignoring him. I could feel myself slipping. University was important and doing this exam was my focus. 

I couldn’t let him win. Distracting myself had been the only way to consciously prevent my subconscious from listening in to the dark thoughts and overruling my consciousness.

'I know my shit. I know my shit.' I repeated to myself. 'I can do this.' Hope was all I needed, but it was hard for my nemesistic self. My subconscious fed off the horrible words from everyone and drove me to become frustrated with myself in return. 

Drowning out his words while trying to concentrate on my exam was becoming hard, but if I wanted to prove him wrong, I had to keep going. The only sound I was focusing on was my voice and the harsh bangs of my fingers on my mouse and keyboard. 

‘Why did you do this?’ I asked Kaleb as I slammed my finger on the mouse.

The blue wheel of death circled the screen as I waited. 

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he replied.

I held up my expensive textbook and notes, showing the damage he caused. 

‘That wasn’t me,’ he repeated. ‘Will’s home.’

‘Ohh, pin this on my brother?’ I chuckled. ‘He isn’t home and you know it, you just don’t want to take the blame. I’m not even angry, I just want to know why you did it.’

That was a lie, I was beyond pissed. My anger getting worse by the second as he refused to acknowledge the crime he committed and apologise.

The little blue wheel stopped turning, and the screen turned white before it showed the mark.

99.50%.

I sighed out of relief. Weight falling off my shoulders.

'OH MY GOD!' I yelled. 'I DID IT! I FUCKING DID IT!'

The sound of the door slamming shut echoed through the air, the walls shuddered in response. My heart skipped a beat and I quickly raced to the door, pushing in the lock. 

I felt myself slide down the door, landing myself in the fetal position on the floor. Tears streaming down my face. 

Questions floated around in my head, my silent sobs now getting louder. He didn’t care.

Why would he go to the trouble? Why was I scared of him? How long have I been blind, or has this just started? He hadn't given me any reason to be afraid of him before. Had he? 

The rose gold choker around my neck made my blood run cold. Was this really because he loved me or because he wanted others to know I was his? Am I that naïve, or am I simply reading too much into it?

Of course he’d be the one person who could ruin a fantastic day for me. My near perfect score would land me an academic award at graduation, and give the speech. Instead, I was left questioning my entire three year relationship and if I’ve been abused this whole time or if this is just the start of something now. 

Am I in danger?

I knew I answered my own question. This wasn’t even just a rule break, Kaleb broke several boundaries; and judging from the vandalism, plus a cracked door frame from the slam, he’s probably broken at least two laws in his outburst. 

My phone started vibrating on the timber desk, forcing me out of my head. 

Unknown Number.

As much as I wanted to ignore it, my gut instincts hadn't failed me in the past hour and a bit. I quickly wiped my eyes and accepted the call placing it on speaker. 

'Hello, McKenna speaking,' I said into the phone.

I heard footsteps in the hallway. Silhouettes of feet blocked the light peaking out from under the door. 

'Hi McKenna, it's Hazel, the Dean of Learning,' the woman on the other end said.

'H-Hi.' My brain halted all thinking momentarily as it processed who I was speaking to. 

'I am aware that Dr Carter had spoken to you about the situation regarding your most recent exam?’ 

I became hyper-aware that Kaleb was listening in from the other side of the door, but I didn’t care. This was going to be good news, I was pre-warned by an email stating if I got higher than a 89% for this assignment the speech and award were mine.

'Oh, um, y-yes. Is that —'

'I just wanted to let you know that we’re still very keen to have you as our speaker, and to congratulate you on you 99.50% grade.’

Gee that was fast. I only submitted my exam a few minutes ago.

'Thank you.'

'I also just wanted to let you know that given what I’m seeing on record, we’ll be able to award you with the Naomi Bloom Silver Medal upon passing your next placement.’

I already knew that, but got to act surprised anyway.

'Oh my goodness, thank you.'

'No problem. From what I've been told, you’ve gone through some tough struggles. You've earned this McKenna.'

'Thank you again Hazel.'

The call ended, and I sat there dumbfounded, the papers askew and crumpled on the ground and on me. 

Glass smashed in the distance and another door slammed shut. 

My heart shuddered.

Me - 1.46pm: Please leave my property Kaleb.

An email popped up in my university inbox, reiterating what we had just spoken about. A smile crept onto my face, and I immediately sent the family group chat a message with what happened. Nobody would respond until after work or school, which was usual, but mum and dad would come home with a nice bottle of champagne, each, to celebrate. 

Being in as high spirit as I could be, given Kaleb's behaviour, I messaged my friend’s group chat to see if anyone wanted to go out to Ricki's to celebrate; a quiet bar near the university campus that was essentially our "uni bar". As expected, I got a series of no's from all six of them, plus Kaleb, even when I asked if another night would be better. 

Not even 20 minutes later, Naomi just announced her promotion and asked to go to Ricki's, whole chat said yes. 

So they're too busy for me, but not too busy for Naomi. 

Me - 2.03pm: Couldn’t have messaged the other chat? That’s okay, I get it. Thanks guys.

Nobody responded and I had nothing else to say, I muted the chat not wanting to hear their lame apologies, if any. I was done with the toxicity for one day. No one could ruin my perfectly good mood.

'That was rude! They're your friends.' Kaleb exclaimed, banging on the door. 'Open the fucking door McKenna.'

‘So you can do what exactly? Are you going to apologise?’

‘No ‘cause I did nothing wrong.’

He kept banging and the walls continued shuddered. I watched the crack split down more. The door even started to splinter with each pound. 

‘Get out of my house Kaleb, or I'll call the police,' I warned. 'I've got triple zero locked and loaded.'

'You don't have it in you.'

I chuckled to myself. He was really pushing on that line between “toxic” and “abusive”. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t tell which way he swung.

'You don't know anything about me. Do you really want to find out?' I baited.

Silence.

I could still see his feet from underneath the door. I was far from safe. 

'Kaleb, please leave.'

'I'm so sorry Kenz.'

'I'm not coming out until you leave.'

The front door squeaked, and I heard the pitter patter of his footsteps trudge past the office’s window and down the front stairs. I peeked through the closed blinds and watched as he exited the front gate. 

How could I explain away his behaviour this time? It wasn’t just one little thing this time, it was multiple, and all could’ve cost me more than I bargained for. Was it jealously? Or is this him letting me into who he really is?

Then I watched him jump the fence.

He ran up the stairs, a creepy smirk etched upon his face. 

I typed up triple zero on my phone again showing it through the crack in the blinds. His smirk faulted and he ran out of my property.

‘What do I do?’ I sobbed.