I remember

I still remember the first time I saw him. It was August 6th, the first day of school, freshman year of highschool. I was so scared. I didn’t know anyone there. I tried making friends but people looked through me as if I were glass. During lunch I had nowhere to sit, I frantically shuffled my way through the crowd and sat at the edge of the cafeteria. Then, I saw him. And he saw me. He didn’t look through me like the others. He saw me. He was eating lunch with his friends but split from them. 

I was panicking. Oh god was I panicking. Internally of course. “Maybe he’s just gonna walk past me”, I thought ; “Maybe he wasn’t even looking at me”. My head is drawn towards the book I brought as comfort and I see a pair of grey loafers stop at my feet. 

“Hi, I’m Aedan. Would you like to come sit with me and my friends?”.

That was nine years ago. 

I work as an architect in New York city. Most people assume that means I design the intricate skyscrapers but in actuality I design the parks. Which means most of my days are spent sitting in the shade of a tree sketching ideas to improve the piece of land. That and making meals with my fiance. 

Clayton Diggs is my fiance. We met a year ago at a charity ball hosted by the city. He’s always trying to take me to some luxurious event with tons of people and I tell him that I’m gonna stay at home and work. Which is a lie because I end up drinking wine and watching rom-coms. Which of course is the routine for tonight.

“Are you sure you can't come with me to the auction?” Clayton asks me while I fix his tie. “I’m sure, work’s been piling up and I’ve never been fond of modern art.”, a partial truth. And so starts what I believe to be a night of tranquility. 

I start swaying to old fifties songs I put on my record player as I pour myself a glass of pinot noir. I recline on my sofa and grab the remote, I press the power button and the TV doesn’t turn on. I groan, already frustrated with my night of tranquility. I get up and try to turn on the TV manually. It doesn’t work. . As I check the back of the TV I see a chewed up HDMI cable. All evidence points to our cat, Daisy.

“No”, I think, “ I will not let this night be ruined just yet, there’s a tech store down the street, I’ll go and get an HDMI cable and be back in time to watch a movie.”. I grab my apartment keys, a book, my wallet, put on a coat and some slippers and head out the door. “This is your doing.” I whisper to Daisy before closing the door.

I make myself isolated with the book. I’m almost down the street and to the store when I crash into someone. 

“Oh my god I am so so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I was reading my book, are you okay?!” I speak hurriedly as I pick up my book. “I really need to watch where I’m going I’m so-”. I stop. I look at his shoes. Grey loafers. I can’t help but smile thinking about him. I think to myself, “What are the chances it would be-” my thoughts stop as I look up. Everything stops. The world stopped when I saw his smile for the first time in years. “Aedan?” 

“What’s your name?” my new friend asks me as we headed over to the lunch table. “I’m Alice” I muttered under my breath. “That’s a very pretty name Alice.”. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks. I can’t remember if I ever thanked him. 

“Alice? Oh my god hi!” Aedan exclaims as he helps me off the ground. “I haven’t seen you in forever!” He states the obvious. “Yeah it has been a while.” I say avoiding eye contact embarrassed in the sudden realization that I am in pajamas and slippers. 

“How are you?” he asks me. “Oh I’m fine, my cat just chewed up my HDMI cable and now I have to get a new one, so that’s why I look like this.” I explain. He chuckles. After a brief silence I ask him, “what are you doing in the city?”.

 “Oh I um I uh actually got a job in the city.” 

“Wow, good for you Aedan.”

"Thank you.”

Another pause coerced our conversation. I remember the last time I saw him. 

“I’m sorry Aedan but we are going different places for college and it would be best if we just stopped talking completely.”. He looked around the room as if looking for something more interesting than I. 

“Yeah I get it. It’s fine.” he tells me, still not looking in my eyes. “Okay then.”.

“Okay.” I left, never looking back. 

“Do you..” he starts. “Do you want to go get a cup of coffee?” I look up to see if that was a platonic request. “You’re buying” I snicker quietly and tell him. 

“Hi, can I get one large black coffee and one caffe macchiato with a sprinkle of cinnamon? Thanks.” He asks the barista. After he pays and we take our seats I say, “You remember my favorite drink?”. 

“Of course, you’ve only ordered it a million times before. I actually tried to make it a couple of times but ended up failing miserably.” he chuckles in his reminiscence. This is the first time I’ve ever heard that story. 

Aedan, obviously ambivalent to my surprise, starts talking about life since I left. In courtesy I exchange my stories too. 

When only the foam is left in my coffee cup he asks me, “So when’s the wedding?”.

“I’m sorry?” I ask, taken aback for the second time in our conversation. 

“Your ring.” he gestures toward my left hand. 

“Oh yes, we actually haven’t set a date yet. He’s so busy and everything.”. 

“Clayton Diggs right? I saw online that he was engaged and there was a picture of you.”

“Yes, I try to stay away from all that online business, it’s full of girls pining for Clayton. It gets very uncomfortable.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry”.

“It’s fine really. Anyway, is there anyone special in your life?”. I ask trying to steer the conversation away from me.

“Actually I lied earlier.” he says embarrassed, “I didn’t just come to the city for my job, I came to try and get a fresh start. I was dating this girl off and on again for about a year or so and I ended it, and anyway that’s the long way of explaining that, no. No, I’m not in a relationship.”. 

I took a deep breath in. “Aedan,” I said. “Yes?” he responded, not looking up from his game. I took another breath. “Aedan, I really like you.” my heart was pounding at this point. I had put everything out on the line. It seemed like a million years before he replied, “Really? I really like you too!”. Those words made me so exquisitely happy. 

“Before you leave, could I get your new number?” Aedan asked me as we exited the coffee shop. “Huh?” I queried.I wasn’t even sure what he had said. “So we can stay in touch. I missed having you in my life Alice.” This made my heart stop. I realized that I had missed him too.

“Yeah of course!” I took his phone when he offered it to me and entered my new number into the phone. “I really should get going,” I told him. “But hey, I’ll talk to you later.” I tell him and gesture toward my phone. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later!” he motioned a hug and I fell into his arms. All those nights I had been trying to make myself feel at home by drinking wine and watching rom-coms but all I needed to feel at home was to be in his arms again. 

Most people would think that a hug like that would feel like it lasted forever. But honestly, I don’t remember much about it. The existence of everything as we know it disappeared, including us.

I got back to my apartment. I couldn’t help but smile in joy. 

“Where’d you go out tonight?” I hear Clayton’s voice behind me. “It’s a long story” I smile and give him an apathetic hug. “How was the auction?” I ask him and set myself down on the couch beside him. He tells me all about his night. 

“Anyway, enough about me. How was your night darling?” he asked me after he was done ranting about his night. “It was really good. I think I made a friend.”, I tell him. 

“That’s amazing!” He was so excited for me. He knows how hard it is for me to make friends.

“Okay well I’m gonna go to bed now, care to join me?” he asked me playfully. “No I think I’m gonna watch a quick show before I head to bed.” I say even though I am completely exhausted. With all the events that transpired tonight, I need to unwind with the stale wine I left on the coffee table. I grab the remote and try to turn on the tv once more. I never did end up getting a new HDMI cable. 

Four days passed before I saw Aedan again. We had been talking on the phone every night. Clayton didn’t seem to mind because he was off late at work. 

“No, I’m telling you there’s no way that Lois Lane would be fooled by a tiny piece of fabric covering the eyes!” I insisted. 

“He always wears glasses and totally changes outfits!” Aedan protests, his voice warped over the phone. “Whatever.” I teasingly give in. 

“What are you doing this Friday?” he asks me. “I don’t have anything planned.” I answered. “Would you like to go to this new park in the lower east end?” he proposed.

“The one by the river?” 

“Yeah! Do you know it?”

“I uh, I actually designed it.” I laughed. 

“No way?! That’s amazing!” he exclaims. 

“Oh, thank you.”.

“Seriously that is crazy amazing Alice. You are so talented. You always have been.”. The end of his sentence was much more solemn than the beginning. 

“So,” he continues, “Would you like to grab some breakfast and sit in such an amazingly designed park?”. 

I giggle, “I would love to.”

“Awesome so I’ll see you tomorrow morning then!” he exclaims.

“Yeah I’ll see you tomorrow then.” I tell him. 

 “Goodnight Alice.”. 

“Goodnight Aedan.”.

The next morning I got ready to go meet my best friend. When I get to the park I don’t see him yet, so I pull out my book to read in the meantime. 

“Alice!” I hear from a close distance. I look up from my book. There stands Aedan. I can’t help but stare, he looks like a young Patrick Dempsey. He’s holding a takeout bag and two cups of coffee. 

“Breakfast!” he says excitedly, shaking the items in display. He sits down and joins me on the bench. We eat the french pastries and talk. We talk about the past and the present. 

“Honestly, I always thought you didn’t like me.” I confess. 

“Alice, I loved you. I was always too scared to tell you, to do anything at all. I wish I had said something. I was a dumb kid.”. 

I had never known that. I wish he would’ve said something too. Who knows where I would be if he had told me how he felt. I sit and let the words he is saying now sink in. 

I don’t say anything else for a few moments. Neither does he. We continue talking about a different subject for the rest of the morning. I can’t remember what. 

We were watching a new sci-fi movie in the theaters. My brother had dropped us off after school. I remember deciding to make a move. Not a big move just putting my head on his shoulder. My heart was pounding, I was thinking, “Oh no, did I just make the wrong move? I don’t want him to be uncomfortable. What if-”, all my bad thoughts subsided when he laid his head on top of mine. 

Three months passed. Aedan and I talked every night and day. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. We’ve hung out multiple times and he even introduced me to some of his friends. With him I've made more friends than I’ve ever had. His friends even helped me work out some relationship problems with Clayton.

“God, this is why I don’t like relationships Alice! They’re too much work. I put so much energy into you and not enough into myself.” Clayton told me last Saturday night. “I just asked you to have dinner with my parents! If you don’t like relationships then why did you ask me to marry you?!” my eyes and nose were stinging. “You know that’s not what I mean. You always twist my words like that. Relationships are so difficult, I’ve told you that numerous times, but I’ve also told you that you are worth it.” he’s stopped pacing the room and is now clenching his fists. 

After much deliberation and having to leave the room at some points to confer with each other in secret, Aedan and the guys told me that it can be a stressful thing for a guy to meet with his partner’s parents. That put me at some ease.

I’m on my nightly call with Aedan. 

“Alice,” he stops our conversation. He hangs up abruptly. I look at my phone with confusion. Before I have time to question anything, the door buzzer rings. 

I open my curtains to see who’s at the entrance of my building. Who do I see standing there but Aedan. I buzz him in. When he gets upstairs I open my door for him.

“What are you doing here?!” I ask him, very confused. 

“Alice, I have to tell you how I feel. I missed that opportunity when we were younger and I- , I can’t do that again.” he’s speaking frantically. “Alice,” he looks me in my eyes, his eyes have tears on the waterline. “Alice, I am helplessly in love with you.”. My heart stops. 

“I’ve never stopped loving you. And I know you’re with Clayton and I’m not trying to change that, I just need you to know that I’m deeply in love with you. And it breaks my heart seeing him get to be with you, when I know I can’t. We keep meeting at the wrong times and it’s my fault. I’m so so sorry. I have terrible timing. I wish I could see you as a friend, I really do. I just can’t be friends with you, I'll always see you as something else.”. I blink and feel salty tears drop down my face. 

He moves his hand to my face and wipes away my tears. “I’m so sorry Alice.”.

I hold his hand to my face and tell him with a shaky voice, “Don’t be sorry. You can’t control your feelings. I just have one question.” I take his hand away from my face and look down at our hands. “Why?” I ask him.

“Why?” he asks.

“Why me?” I ask. 

“Why you? You’re the girl of my dreams. I’ve tried to stop thinking about you for all these years but I can’t. Alice, it’s you. It’s always been you and I’m sorry that I never told you at the right time.”. 

I remove my hands from his. I can’t look him in the face. “You have to leave.” I tell him. 

“Alice-” he tries. 

“I’ll talk to you later but you have to go, I’m sorry.”. I close the door in front of him. I don’t move for five minutes. 

Three weeks before I talk to him again. We talk as friends and everything is well. Until a week later when we are at the park. 

“Alice, I need to tell you something,” he admitted. 

“Yeah, what’s up?” I am frankly scared. 

“I’m thinking of moving back home. I can’t stay here and not be able to be with you. Maybe I’ll get back together with my ex, she’s not good for me but it’s better than nothing.” he explains. 

“Don’t.” I tell him.

“Alice, you know I-” I cut him off. 

“Please don’t leave. I can’t not have you in my life again. Please, don’t leave me alone.” I plead. 

“But you’re not alone, you have him and I can’t be him. I never should’ve said anything.”

“Whenever you’re gone I’m alone. It doesn’t matter how many people I’m around, you’re the only person I want to be with.”. 

“Alice, you’re engaged.” his eyes droop. 

“I called off the engagement.” I showed him my left hand. “The night you told me you loved me I couldn’t ignore my feelings for you. I tried. Although my conscious tried to evaluate my options, there was no option. My subconscious had already decided that it was you. After a week of wondering what to do I broke off the engagement. I explained everything and he understood. We didn’t love each other as we should. He didn’t love me like I love you.” 

“What?” his eyebrows are furrowed and he looks like he’s trying to process this new information.

“I love you Aedan.” I tell him. “I love you so much” I choke. I caress his face and meet my lips to his for the first time. After ten years of wanting him to kiss me, I kissed him. I’d like to say that I remember every detail of the kiss but in all honesty, I don’t remember much about our first kiss. It seemed as if the world and us just disappeared.