Really

We all know how this goes. We've seen it in the movies, we've watched it on television. We know how the story is going to end pretty much as it's beginning. We're human. We take a position at the start of the story, knowing exactly what we would do if this was happening in our lives and as we eat our popcorn or drink our wine, it is will full resolve that we profess with extreme righteousness exactly what we would do. Until it really happens to you.

The scene is always the same, just the characters change. It's a pristine clean hospital room. Despite the fact that in the logical center of our brain we all know that next to a kids Nursery School classroom, there's NOTHING DIRTIER than a hospital Intensive Care Unit room, this is the picture we see. People gathered around the bedside of a loved one who is more often than not in a COMA of some sort, and there's a lot of silent crying and hand holding. The person is always clean shaven, or well groomed, and really does look like they're just sleeping. The doctor walks in and says something to the effect of, "It's time". And just like that, the comatose patient's machines are shut off and in a gentle whisper, they pass over to the other side.

Everyone in the room feels them leaving and the next thing you know, some poor Actress or Actor is a Widow or a Widower and the credits are rolling and you're blowing your nose in the sleeve of your shirt, telling your spouse you love them and your headed to the bathroom because you've been holding it for 2 hours. So that's basically how it goes, until it really happens to you.

This story is about how it went for me, after I had to make the absolutely horrific decision of taking my husband off of life support after eleven days. I'll spare you the extreme details of it all, but in a nutshell, he was a true fitness buff who suffered a massive "coronary event" on an Elliptical machine almost two years ago. No symptoms preceded the event, and it even has a name, "The Widow Maker". You can google that.

So very long story short, I had to make that decision to turn off his life support and let me tell you, it was NOTHING like it is in the movies. He wasn't well groomed, and he surely did NOT look like he was just sleeping. The room wasn't that clean because of all the fluids and medical wrappings and tubes. The only thing I felt leaving was me without my husband, the man I loved for a very long time. My entire life left that day with him. It was not a quite whisper, it was LOUD and it was FRIGHTENING. Until it wasn't. It really happened to us. And when his life ended, my life changed in ways that are unimaginable to most people in their 50's, and I have become what I consider to be, an expert on a topic that I wish I knew nothing about.

However, there's a bright spot here. I have learned A LOT about becoming a Widow and living that life. Our children are all grown and married with kids of their own, and I still have a couple of siblings, both of my parents, and a very large family and group of friends, and a little Cockatiel bird I got 2 months after he died, but for all intent and purpose, I'm alone.

Don't dismay. I decided there were basically two routes I could take. The route of utter devastation and black veiling my way through life OR I could plow through and try to find the humor and bright spots. I would have never chosen it, but it's what I got. So I decided to take the humor path, and here's my advice...

1. It's a good idea to learn how to do the Heimlich maneuver on yourself because most of the time you'll be eating alone so, better safe than sorry. It only requires a stiff back chair and the will to live.

2. You're always in charge of the remote control so feel free to watch TLC or Hallmark whenever you want. You never have to watch sports again, unless you like sports.

3. You don't have to shower everyday if you don't feel like it.

4. As to number 3, feel free to hardly ever shave your legs or underarms too. It's like being ten years old again!

5. You're weekly trips to the grocery store will turn into monthly trips that rarely exceed $95.00. Resolve yourself to the fact that you're never going to rack up enough dollars in a grocery store to ever get a free turkey for Thanksgiving.

6. Amazon is GREAT.

7. You don't need to find, "gender neutral" decor for your bedroom or for that matter ANY room in your house. Go for the pink, the flowers, the polka dots, or whatever YOU like.

8. If you want to make the inside of your car just a giant extension of your pocket book, go for it.

9. Get yourself a pet. They don't care if you're wearing sweatpants all day and don't put on make-up.

10. Alexa can carry on a conversation with you, but she can't get up and get you a glass of water, so keep your expectations low and remember to grab the water before you sit down.

11. You'll have to actually pay for a massage, but you won't have to worry about it leading to more...because all women know we really only wanted the massage anyway.

12. You'll go to bed pretty much right after Jeopardy is over and binge things on NETFLIX. In my world, NETFLIX is a real bargain!

13. When people call to ask you how you're doing, try saying something like this: "Well, you caught me at a bad time. I'm watching Dancing With The Stars on my DVR and my microwave Boston Market Meal is done". It throws them off and you don't have to really answer the question truthfully.

14. Play with your make-up like you did as a teenager. I have learned with YOU TUBE tutorials that the one thing I can get into shape without exercising is my eyebrows.

15. Fall in love with your own company, because you'll be keeping it often. If you don't like yourself, go on Social Media and start fights with random people instead. Then, the next day, just get out of it by telling them you were in a, "bad place", because you're a widow and all that. People forgive you easily when you're a widow. Consider it a perk.

16. Rejoice in the fact that the hairs in the sink, shower, toilet, and on the bar of soap belong solely to you. There's a special kind of comfort to be found it that.

17. Don't worry about being modest inside your home. If some creeper is looking in your windows, that SOB deserves to get what he sees. Throw the hairy soap at him.

So I've become an expert because these things really happened to me.

And tomorrow, I might come up with number 18.