Jealist

1.Contact Solution

I hated when I had to buy contact solution; it was just a reminder of how I couldn’t afford Lasik and then I would get into thinking about how it wasn’t right that Lasik wasn’t covered by insurance. It’s eyesight! So, what if everyone wanted to be able to see without glasses or contacts?

Then I got to that feeling I really hated- the unwarranted jealousy followed by unwarranted guilt of having that jealousy of my associate, Brie, who had gotten Lasik for free because her dad is a Lasik surgeon. It’s not like she forced her dad to get that profession just so she could get the procedure free. And I’d do the same thing if my dad was a Lasik surgeon.

2.Deodorant

There was a time in mankind when deodorant didn’t exist, and no one cared how anyone else smelled. We were all out hunting and gathering in the sun, getting sweaty. But somehow, we got to this point where we have to embarrass ourselves picking out pit cream. I always looked around before I started getting deodorant. I couldn’t bear to even imagine Brie seeing me getting ‘extra strength invisible’ deodorant. Because not only did I somehow sweat more than some men, but it also always got all over the sides of my clothes if I didn’t buy the ‘invisible’ stuff. And I was VERY potent, taking deodorant sprays completely off the table. I’d sit in the office, in air conditioning, only wearing certain colors that didn’t show the dark wet circles under my arms as much, sneaking off to the bathroom to dry them under the hand dryer. And then there’d be Brie, sitting in cardigan. And THEN she’d have the nerve to shiver. Plus, I need to keep dry and fresh smelling if I ever want to get the gumption to talk to Justin on a more personal level. Justin is the new-ish guy who started a couple months ago in the marketing department. Oh, geez, I looked around again, suddenly worried he’d see me buying ‘extra strength invisible’ deodorant. Knowing someone’s deodorant is something that happens after, like, six months of dating; not two months of being aware of existing.

3.Toothpaste.

You know darn well I was getting whitening toothpaste. At least I understand toothpaste- people's teeth fell out from decay and then cleaning helped them not do that. Then I started thinking about how long it had been since I’d used my retainer- the one I was supposed to use one-two times a month. Brie once told me she never had braces- I'm not sure if I believe her because her teeth are immaculate. My teeth are great too, but it was because of 4.5 years –the middle of 8th grade and my ENTIRE high school career- of having giant metal clunks in my mouth. The thought brought a deep-rooted sense of dark anger to surface as I vividly recalled the appointment at the beginning of December my senior year and the ortho had told me all this positive news- how great my bite was, how well aligned the rows were now, how fantastically my teeth fit in my mouth; that everything was looking ‘excellent’ was the exact word he had used. I was so excited; all that good news surely meant that I could get my braces removed after the new year! I imagined walking into school that first day back, smiling with no metal in my mouth. Being able to eat anything without concern for it getting stuck, being able to chew gum again! Not to mention the only thing reflecting the lights at prom would be my jewelry! I recalled excitedly asking “Can they come off soon, then?” And he grinned at me and nodded “Yes” he had said “You’ll be able to get them off pretty soon; Early June, in fact”

I remembered the sinking, heavy feeling of my stomach, like a rock pulling down in my core. I remembered crying and begging my ortho to let me have the braces off early- I didn’t want to be the only senior at Prom or Graduation still with braces! He went on a monologue about them still needing to be in place for five more months. I had pleaded to at least let them come off in May instead of June. But he was firm and unrelenting. I’d cried the whole rest of the day. I didn’t see what difference a couple weeks would be after me having them since 8th grade.

I’d met Brie in 8th grade and then she transferred to a new school after sophomore year. I don’t think Brie is a bad person, per se, but it just seemed like no matter what age we were, she had it easier than me and everything I wanted she got. First, she claimed to never have had to go through braces- never having to eat only certain foods or having a rubber band snap in her mouth loudly during a test. Then back in 8th grade, she got the part in the school Christmas play that I wanted- the Ghost of Christmas past in ‘A Christmas Carol’. I was just an extra during the ‘Fezziwig Christmas party’ scene and had no lines. In 9th grade, we both had glasses, but hers looked better on her. I had to wear the limited option frames that insurance covered- she got to pick out the perfect ones for her face shape. Then I wasn’t able to go to the higher chorus level because there were only six spots open for freshman and instead of hearing everyone before making his decision, the choir teacher just said ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as he went until the spots were filled. Brie went right before me, and she took the last spot. And when we both tried out for volleyball in 10th grade, she got on the team, but I had sprained my ACL during tryouts, and it took 8 months to heal. Since I wasn’t able to train and practice, I didn’t get on the team. That also put me out of being able to do any other sport or being in any plays until spring- they just don’t make plays with the characters using crutches or scooters in mind. I’d put on a lot of weight from my limited mobility too- which of course puberty plus high school, braces the whole time, and weight gain was a winning combo for self-esteem.

Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW none of this was directly Brie’s fault...it just seemed like it was always her getting the better of me. After 10th grade, Brie moved but came back after college and then she ended working in the same office I did. I’d learned that her dad gave her Lasik as an early graduation present. Brie also informed me that she was Prom Queen her junior year at her new school, meanwhile, I was just on prom committee. At my Senior prom, I came out of the bathroom at one point to find my date nowhere in sight. I’d asked around and found out that he and his friends decided that the prom was boring and since they weren’t getting laid, their dates weren’t worth hanging around for and they left. Brie was homecoming queen her Senior year and at her Prom they’d had a live brand performance where she was brought on stage to sing with the band for a bit and everyone had cheered. I wouldn’t have wanted to do that, but just the fact that she got the chance unnerved me.

Even the fact that we worked together seemed unfair. Because how I got the job was in order to graduate with my business management degree, I needed an internship. And literally every place rejected me. I had gotten super close to the deadline to have an internship for a semester before I couldn’t graduate on time. So, when the interviewer gave me that look of ‘about to reject me’ that all the others’ had, I dropped all dignity and broke into tears begging and pleading for them to just let me intern for the semester, for free, so I could graduate. I wasn’t looking to be on top-projects or head clients or have any fancy titles or benefits- just nine weeks to make coffee and print copies or whatever, just so I didn’t have to take out another loan for another semester. My grades were good! I had perfect attendance! They had all of forever to find a more preferred intern candidate; I was down to my very last chance to graduate on time. And purely out of pity, I was allowed the internship that turned into a job offer. I don’t know how it should have felt when I was told that they were glad they had felt bad enough to let me intern because I turned out to be a great fit for the team...but it didn’t feel good.

It also didn’t feel good when I was first re-introduced to Brie after she was hired to learn that she had interned at her father’s Lasik practice and he happened to do business with our office, and she was offered the job through that connection. She had even considered turning it down but chose it to stay near her family.

4.Instant Pudding

I was thinking about Brie too much; but it was because we had an office potluck coming up and it just felt like another chance to be shown up. At the last potluck, Brie had made some kind of pastry with Brie- hm- cheese and apricots. Was it delicious? Yes. Was I mad about it? Yes. I had brought in a couple store-baked pies that didn’t get touched and I ended up throwing one away. So, this time, I decided I would make a homemade, timeless classic; dirty dessert. I know instant pudding and tub whipped cream weren’t exactly ‘homemade’ but no one would know, and I wouldn’t have to throw it away. Plus, I hoped it would be more alluring to Justin. I don’t know what Brie is bringing, I just know we both signed up for ‘desserts’ again. I always tried to get ‘dessert’ because it’s the second easiest thing to chips; I suspected based on how great they are, desserts were another way for Brie to show off.

I was picking out the pudding when a spasm of guilt hit- I shouldn’t feel angry or anything towards Brie- she chooses to take the time to hand make her potluck brings- no one but me stopped me from doing that too. And since we didn’t go to the same school, it’s not like she’d stolen the crown from me. But it still felt like she had. And it’s not wrong to use connections- that's how the world works. But I always found myself feeling jealous and then feeling guilty, then angry and round and round I’d go.

5. Cookie Crumbs

I haven’t the slightest idea why a box of just the crumbled cookies were more expensive than a pack of the actual cookies. A labor cost, perhaps? I was looking the recipe up on my phone to decide which size box I needed when I heard a sickening yet familiar voice.

“Hey, Em. How are you?” Brie sauntered up to me with a nice smile as she pushed her cart.

How she never got those dark berry lipstick colors on her teeth was another mystery of her perfection.

“Hi. I’m fine, how are you?” I replied unenthusiastically.

She looked more closely at the box in my hand. “It’s cheaper to buy the off-brand-cookies and scrape of the cream, then put the cookie-part in a food processor”

“I don’t own a food processor” I say as nicely as I can manage.

It’s a public store and Brie is part of the public. She had every right to be here as I did...but I still wanted her somewhere else.

“You could borrow mine” Brie offered.

“Thanks, but I’ll be fine with this” I lifted the box and tried to force as friendly a smile as I could. How had I run into Brie, so she could see my mostly-store bought items? She signed up for the potluck after me, so I knew she knew I’m making dirty dessert. I tried to nonchalantly set my bag into the cart to cover the deodorant. I don’t need her to see that too.

“Are you sure? I could bring it to the office tomorrow and you can return it on Friday.” Brie suggested.

“Bring what?” And then Justin, aforementioned new cute guy from work, comes around the aisle.

“Hi...Justin?” I felt nervous and confused. Then I felt my face drain as he went up to Brie and put his hand in hers.

“I was offering to let Emily use my food processor, so she won’t have to...” she started but I interjected quickly.

“But I really don’t need to inconvenience her” I don’t want to admit that I wouldn’t know how to use it. I can’t help it and ask “You two are dating now, huh? That’s....nice” I managed to say straight-faced. I hoped my face didn’t look too red.

“Yeah, we’ve been dating for um...a little over three weeks now” Brie said as she glanced to Justin for confirmation.

He nodded with a smile.

“Nice” I repeated. “Well, I got to get on with my shopping...thanks for the offer. Have a nice day, bye.”

I’d barely given them time to say ‘bye’ back as I dropped the box of cookie crumbs in my cart and hustled out of the aisle.

The cycle started again; I felt an immense pang of jealousy that not only did Brie get my prom queen crown from high school, but now she had gotten my king as well! I mean, I knew he and I weren’t flirting or anything, but he just got there! I hadn’t gotten a chance to make a move before she swooped in and got what I wanted, AGAIN!

6.Whipped Cream

I’d almost ripped the door off when I opened it to get the tub of whipped cream. I carelessly flopped it into my cart. Then I just stood in front of the open freezer-section door to let the cold air cool off my burning face. My head whirled with thoughts that I should move or that I should have moved out of state for college or moved immediately after college. I shouldn’t have stayed at this stupid office that forced me to beg them to let me intern there in the first place. I should have taken that extra semester, transferred and got an internship somewhere that wanted me to begin with. But no. I stayed in my little comfort bubble near home, to try to cut other expenses and now I was desperately faking homemade desserts to compete with a woman who wasn’t competing with me. I felt the guilt part of the cycle taking over and my eyes started to well up.

I shut the door a little too hard and then hurried my cart to checkout. I needed to get out of here. I snagged a multi-count of containers on of the aisle ends as I passed and then got to the self-checkout.

I clicked the scanner so fast over my items, someone might have thought I was trying to steal something. I did slow down a minute to double check that I had actually rung everything up- I didn’t need an accidental shoplifting charge added to my humiliation of the day. I tossed all six items into the same bag.

How would you like to pay?

I pushed my debit card into the slot and punched in my pin. I nearly jumped out of my skin when the person working the self-checkout station came up and asked if she could take my cart for me.

She wheeled the cart away and I looked at the screen again to see where I was in the transaction. I pressed for the ‘printed’ version my receipt. It came out, I ripped it off and snatched my one bag of items at the same time. I had a few other items on my list, but I just couldn’t be here anymore. I got what I needed for the time being. I decided next time I would place an online order for pick-up instead. No one would see me buying deodorant or already crushed cookies and I wouldn’t get crushed either.

I got into my car, plopped down, and for the first time since seeing Brie and Justin, took a big breath. I looked down at my receipt.

Total: $38.97

I found it disheartening that my charge for public humiliation of myself was just under $40.

I sighed. Then I jumped when there was a knock my driver’s side window.

There was nice-looking guy giving me an abashed smile.

I cautiously rolled down my window. “Yes?”

“Sorry to bother you, do you think you could give me a jump? My phone died and well...so did my car” he gave a sheepish laugh.

I smiled and asked where his car was; he directed me right across the aisle. I pulled up right in front and then we hooked up the jumper cables.

He sighed “Thanks so much. I’m just having one of those days. You know, these things never happen to my brother. Right before my phone died, I found he got the promotion we both applied for at work.” he sighed again. “I guess that’s what I get for letting him get me in his workplace, though.” He looked at me and ran his hand through his hair "I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t unload all this on you” as he shook his head.

I smiled “I’m Emily” and held out my hand.

He shook it and said “Drew”

“Hey, Drew...do you like dirty dessert?”