Memories

Vague mentions of grief, homophobia and loss, please take care of yourself while reading. 

   “Just a minute guys I’ll meet you there,” Josh called as his friends walked together away from the baseball field, ready to drive to a nearby frozen yogurt shop. Their last time on the field as a group. 

    Today Joshua and a couple of his friends had spent their last day at the high school. There had been tears from the rest of the group as the final school dance, their final spirit day, and final day of school had passed by and the realization had set in that it was the end of a chapter for the little group of theirs. The group had spent their evening tossing a baseball around in the school's band room, listening to the piece that Tory, his fellow graduate had submitted to Julliard, they had awarded her a full scholarship and the teens had whooped and cheered at the performance, making her dark cheeks heat up. They had spent the next hour in the baseball field where Josh and his best friend and fellow graduate Cal had spent hours, practicing the sport over the course of their high school career. The tribe of teenagers spent time tossing around a ball, talking about their top games and practice mishaps and the general tomfoolery the two boys would get up to on a regular basis. 

    Yet after their games on the field had ended, Josh found it hard to leave. It was all over. This was the last time he would ever stand or pitch or play on this field. The end of an era. Not that he wasn’t excited for college. He was ready for independence, for a new chapter in his life. And it wasn’t like he’d never see his friend again. He had his license, Cory and Marra were close to getting there, June got hers (although it was her G1), his and Cal’s school wasn’t that far away.

    Still, the simplicity that high school brought, the cafeteria, Tory bugging him and Cal to pay attention during math.

    “We’re never going to need this in life, Tory!” They’d laugh as she’d roll her eyes. He’d miss that.

    “Josh, are you coming?” Called a voice from across the field.

    “Just a second!” Josh repeated.

     Josh took a seat on the bleachers and looked over the kingdom he once ruled. He heard a thunk! as someone sat down beside him. Calvin, his team co-captain, second only to Josh on their team.

    “You look sad.” Josh gave Calvin a deadpan look.

    “Don't know how you can’t be, man.” Josh just shrugged. 

    “You know what it’s like at home, what school was like before I found you guys. I’m ready to get as far away from this place as possible.” Josh nodded. Shame snuck into his stomach as he remembered the things Calvin had confided in him when the two were alone in the locker room one night after practice, looking for an excuse not to leave each other's company. Cal had always dreamed of getting a scholarship, far far away from here. To get away from this tiny town, his overbearing father, his toxic mother, his “perfect” sister. Before having met Josh and Tory and Marra and the rest of them the kid had been mercilessly bullied after getting outed by someone he’d once called a friend. His mental health had taken a severe dive before he’d bumped into his current friend group in a fated Saturday detention (do not ask how they all ended up there, just know it involved a rubber chicken and a false fire alarm). Cal still got a rude note once in a while but everyone at school was too scared of Marra to say anything to Cal’s face.

    Josh patted his back. “Remember the first time I brought you down here?”

    Cal laughed, “How could I forget?” It was a while after their first meeting when Cal had expressed interest in the sport after seeing one of Josh’s games. The boys had spent an afternoon in the field,  Josh using the opportunity to teach Cal the rules and ways of the game. The next year, they were both the stars of the team.

    The pair smiled and shared the memories of their years on the field. Losses and wins, pep talks and pizza parties.

    “You know that you’re probably the most important person in the world to me right now.” Josh's face heated at that. Which of course made Cal burst out laughing and nearly toppled off the bleachers. Josh chased after him and they engaged in a mock brawl until they collapsed in a heap on the ground, still laughing and hooting. 

    “Seriously though,” Josh said and steered the conversation to the earlier topic. “You’re the greeting that ever happened to me, Calvin.” 

    Cal grinned brighter than Josh had seen in a while. The boys' eyes met. Lips brushed together. It… wasn’t expected, then again many things in life weren’t. Josh closed his eyes as the kiss deepened. He exhaled quietly as they rested their heads together. Cal playing with Josh’s long hair. Cal could never stand having anything longer than a buzzcut, but he’s always loved Josh’s. 

    “My hair’s itchy, yours is soft,” He’d comment as they sat with Cal playing with Josh’s hair like this when their friend group hung out. Of course, this prompted much “fangirling” from the rest of their gaggle of teens despite the boy's attempts to convince them that nothing was going down between them. Who was laughing now? Well, Josh, but that was because he was absolutely giddy.

    “I can’t believe this is really the end of high school.” Josh smiled sadly.

    “I can’t believe I never actually got to finish it…” It hung in the air. Josh frowned and moved away.

    “What do you mean?” Silent tears began to stream down Calvin’s face.

    “You know what I mean.”

    Reality snapped back. Josh was back on the bleachers. The story of Josh and Calvin had been cut short. The scene having just been recalled had gone down over 4 months ago. The night Cal had gotten hit by a car while walking home.

    Cal, (dead, dead, dead, buried, six feet under, gone Cal) was again seated beside him. He looked different now. Less alive, like a ghost or a memory. The boy had a peaceful look to him as if he’d just watched the remembrance ceremony beside the sapling that the school had planted in his honour, and knew they'd remember him.

   Josh had sobbed inconsolably beside that tree. Cal’s tree. The grief poured out of him like a busted dam. The silent tears kept coming. Grief at the knowledge they'd never be together, at the fact Cal never got to see life past high school. At the knowledge that the one he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with, the one he’d gotten his scholarship with, the reason he’d gotten out of bed to see for so long would never again really be seated beside him. 

     Josh wouldn’t move, he decided. Not without Cal. He curled in on himself. 

    “Hey,” Cal(’s ghost memory, whatever) said. “Don’t be sad, you're going to college, remember?”

    “You're not,” It came out barely as a whisper. Cal would never get to do anything again.

    “Maybe not, but I never really wanted to go to college. I wanted to get out.”

    “But you're not out, Cal, you're not even here really. You’re buried in this town, you never even got to leave.”

    Cal put his hand on Josh’s arm. “You will. You live and grow old and find someone worth all your love and you’ll live knowing that you saved me. You let me live, really live before I went. I was happy and cared for and in love because of you.”

    “I don’t want to go on without you Calvin.” He said his name as if it’d bring him back to life. That name, beautiful and warm and gorgeous. 

    “Well too bad, ‘cause that is my final wish for you.” Cal smiled wide through the tears. “I love you, Josh, now go live.”

    With that Cal was gone. Josh jumped up, ready to call for his lover. But before he could-

    “Josh, are you coming?” Called a voice from across the field.

    And Josh chose life. “Just a second!” He said, (not happy yet, not yet okay, but on his way there) and chased the shadows of his tribe into the dark.