There is a Bully in the Mirror

(Contains sensitive themes of bullying and self harm.)

Sandra peeked through the classroom door. All the girls were already talking, laughing, entangled in each other’s gossip stories. The circle of girls seemed to get tighter and tighter and with each gossip story, another red sign waved at her that read “KEEP OUT”. All backs turned to her, Sandra walked past the knot of girls to her desk on the other side of the classroom. She wondered if they didn’t notice her or if they pretended not to, but regardless, Sandra felt invisible. 

This was fourth grade. There were the cool kids, and then there was her, lurking at the edge of the classroom like a fly on the wall who tried to be as quiet as possible not to annoy others with her buzz.

The second week of school, the girls seemed to get increasingly cooler and meaner. Sandra kept herself as far as she could from the others, afraid that they would do to her what they’ve done to Lucy, like putting ants in her backpack or drawing penises all over her homework. It was during history class, and Sandra watched the girls passing notes to each other, and each time one person opened the note, they glanced right at Sandra with snaring eyes and burst out laughing with their friends.

Sandra raised her hand. “May I be excused?” she asked her teacher, hiding the desperation in her voice. 

“Quickly,” her teacher said, “this lesson is very important.” 

Sandra hurried to the privacy of the bathroom. She sat down on the toilet seat with a small squared mirror straight ahead of her. Ugly. Gross. Stupid. You have no friends. She hated her big brown eyes and puffy cheeks. Sandra put her hands over her mouth like she did every time she sat on the school’s toilet seat, and attempted to speak into her hands. Sometimes no sound came out at all, and she wondered did she even exist. As she looked into the mirror with her hands over her mouth, Sandra heard a loud scream as her fists banged against the mirror. Only after there was blood splattered over her knuckles and the mirror was shattered on the floor, did she realize that the screaming was coming from her own body. 

Sandra sat in the principal’s office, not attempting to defend herself. All she knew as she stared at her bloody knuckles was that in a strange way, she had never felt so blissful before. 

The entire school heard about the incident in the bathroom. Danielle who was the most popular girl in her class, made sure that everyone knew to stay away from Sandra who had apparently gone mental. Soon she found penises drawn over her homework and a rope in her backpack that said “Kill Yourself.”

Seventh grade, and not much changed. Sandra hated how her body was changing, and she was taking up more physical space. She secretly skipped breakfast and lunch to make herself smaller. She hated school, but unlike the incident in the fourth grade, she kept her head down and went through the motions of everyday life without drawing too much attention to herself. 

 One day in the library, she saw a girl who was vaguely familiar. She wore lots of makeup and shiny new boots. An overpowering smell of strawberry perfume emerged from her body.  

“I’m Kaylee,” she said, “we were in fourth grade together.”

Sandra felt paranoia washing over her. What did she know about her? 

“Will you come shopping with me after school?” Kaylee asked.

“I…I don’t know…” Sandra said. She didn’t know how to say that she had no allowance money and therefore she rotated between the same two worn out jeans every week. 

“Meet me outside the building at 2:30, okay? It'll be fun!”

“Okay,” Sandra hesitated. She had never been invited anywhere. Could this mean she would finally make a friend?

At the mall, Kaylee turned to Sandra with an expensive purple jacket in her hand and said “I want you to put on that jacket for me and walk out of the store. Just don't draw extra attention to yourself. Then you'll give me the jacket, alright?”

Sandra had never considered herself a thief, but having a new friend seemed promising. She walked out the store with the shiny purple jacket, and watched how Kaylee slipped a bottle of perfume from the shelf into her pocket. 

As she got to the exit, a loud alarm went on. Kaylee didn’t warn her about the security tag and a big man in a security vest rushed over to her. She frantically searched her eyes for Kaylee, but failed to locate her anywhere in sight. Sandra raced past the security guard who was chasing after her, and she ran onto the street until she heard nothing but the beating of her heart. The coast was clear and Sandra seized to run. She folded her body into an alleyway. Her heart fluttered like a butterfly opening and closing its wings, and warm blood rushed through her body, down her spine, tickling the bottom of her feat. Sandra exhaled, and for the first time she felt something beautiful unlike she had ever experienced before. 

But the next day, Kaylee who was trying to gain popularity, told everyone the incident of the night before only exaggerating the details and failing to admit that she commanded Sandra to steal for her in the first place. Now Sandra couldn’t be trusted because she was a thief. Once again, school was a living hell each day, and Kaylee didn’t let her forget the horrible thing she had done. 

High school started at a brand new school. Sandra now had friends, and the years of loneliness were gone. She hung out with the studious kids and found connection through studying together and exchanging notes. Yet deep under the covers at night, Sandra feared the day her friends would discover the truth about her; that she was ugly, invisible, unlovable.

One afternoon in sophomore year, her friend turned to her and asked, “do you know someone from your middle school named Kaylee Brooks?” 

Sandra felt her heart drop to the ground and panic rush through her body.

“I…d-don’t know,” she lied.

“Well, I heard that she’s switching into our school and will be in our homeroom class.”

Sandra saw black dancing in her eyes. She once again couldn't find her voice or her feet on the ground and the room was spinning. A heavy cloud engulfed her and paralyzed her entire body. Things won’t be different after all. Sandra felt herself floating out of her body and and only seeing a fly on the wall from above, a fly that she had once again become. 

Sure enough, the next day Kaylee walked through the doors of her classroom in klinky high heels and freshly dyed strawberry blond hair. Everyone circled around Kaylee who already claimed her popularity, except for Sandra who was nowhere to be found.

Hidden behind the dumpsters, Sandra sat with a broken piece of glass carving patterns into her arms and she watched blood rush to the surface of her skin. The blood pouring through her brought a relief she hadn’t felt in a long time. High school may as well be a repeat of middle school, but if she hated herself more than anyone else ever could, everything would be alright. 

Sandra was now in her senior year of college and was ready to move into her own apartment and start her own life in just a few short months. All the bad years were behind her. She had friends at college, dated someone she really liked, and did well in all her classes. She even got a job offer for the coming year that she was looking forward to. 

Yet something was not alright. One morning as she zipped up her pants in front of the mirror, her reflection became someone she didn’t recognize. Monstrous, cruel, evil. A big dark figure stared back at her with shiny red eyes. She couldn’t shake the image from her head, and each time she closed her eyes that monstrous being was right there imprinted in her mind. The next morning her reflection in the mirror startled her again. The monster grew larger from the day before. You are nothing, it mouthed to her, laughing cruelly with crooked teeth. Sandra hurried out of the room and aggressively slammed the door. Still shaking, she went to class and attempted to forget the foul image she saw. Later, Sandra threw a sheet over her mirror and whispered, “no more monsters playing games with me.” She proceeded to do her homework on her laptop, distracting herself with her assignments. Yet right there in her reflection on the laptop screen, the monster was back. You ugly worthless thing, no one wants you here, the monster’s hideous voice said. “NO!” Sandra screamed. She slammed her laptop shut and tears sprang out her eyes. What was happening to her? This needed to stop! 

But it didn’t stop. The monsters were everywhere, from her reflection on glass doors, to the bathroom mirrors, the windows in the nighttime, on refrigerator doors. 

Fear engulfed her, and it was hard to sleep at night or breath during the day. The monsters were in control and Sandra felt small and powerless. She was too nauseous to eat, her weight dropped rapidly, and trudged as far away from her reflection as possible. Sandra was constantly holding her breath, and when she let it go she almost always broke into painful sobs. She had no one to talk to about this, who would believe her? And so she battled with the pain, danced on the edge of insanity, and allowed the monsters to defeat her. She felt herself sinking deeper and deeper into a black, bottomless hole and she was afraid that if she fell deeper, she would never find a way out. 

Poetry group was on Tuesday night in the library and Sandra needed a distraction. Black circles hung down from her eyes that were red from crying, and her shoulders were slumped. Sandra listened to the other poet's readings, yet she couldn’t stay focused. 

“Sandra,” the instructor of the group said gently, “would you like to share anything tonight?”

“I… not really,” she said, her voice cracked and hoarse. “I…I don’t have anything good.”

“None of us are here because we are good or not good,” he reassured her, “this is a safe space where we share, we learn, and we express ourselves freely.” 

Sandra hugged her knees. “I…I can read something. It’s.. it's kinda short.”

She opened her notebook, and she heard her voice permeate the room. 

"There is a bully in the mirror

She won’t leave me alone

I try to run

I try to hide

Yet she finds me 

Swallows me

Tortures me

There is a bully in the mirror

Who won’t go away

I ignore her

Push her away

Yet she controls me

Torments me

Chokes me

There is a bully in the mirror 

Who is lonely

Who is starving

Who is hurting

There is a bully in the mirror

Who is dying for a friend."

Sandra looked up from her paper and couldn’t believe the words which came out of her own throat. Her thighs were trembling and sweat gathered into droplets on her forehead. The whole room was looking at her, twelve pairs of eyes all wide open and mouths gasping shaped in an ‘O”. Sandra rose from the ground shaking and stumbled to the door. 

“Wait,” the instructor said, “let’s talk about your poem.”  

“I have to go,” she mumbled as she ran out of the room, tears streaming down her face. 

There’s a bully in the mirror dying for a friend…

Sandra walked into her room and pulled off the sheet covering the mirror. Sure enough, the monster was still there, but this time Sandra didn’t back away. 

“Why are you tormenting me?” She asked. “I can work with you…” She wiped the tears streaming down from her face and letting the sobs escape her chest. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. We can fix this together.” 

Sandra couldn’t see anything but the tears blinding her vision. “I just want you to love me,” the mirror said to her. But that wasn’t the voice of the monster, this was a little girl. 

Sandra blinked her tears away bringing herself back to the present room. And right there in the mirror was little Sandra, in fourth grade, with blood on her knuckles. 

“I just want you to love me, I just want you to love me, PLEASE love me! Love ME! LOVE ME!” 

Sandra stepped closer to the mirror and put her hand on it, touching the little girl. “I’m sorry,” she cried. “I’m sorry I told you you’re ugly and invisible and I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you.” 

All the years of bullying flashed through her mind, flooding her with painful memories. But the worst bully lived inside her own head, the bully who didn’t let her forget that she is not worthy. 

“Please… will you tell the monster to go away?” Sandra said to the little girl. “I promise to always love you and care for you. I will hold space for you and learn to listen to what you need. I won’t abandon you again… I promise...”

Sandra kept her eyes closed and let the tears wash down her face. 

When she finally opened her eyes and looked up to the mirror, the little girl had disappeared, and the monster was long gone. She saw the reflection of an adult woman who had big dark eyes, beautiful wavy hair and round breasts, and for the first time, she saw herself as beautiful.