One Choice

It takes a strong person to make the moves that their life actually depends on. I've made so many wrong turns and I payed for it and still working hard to stay out of the obsession of destruction. Living life as there was no wrong turns. It was not my intentions but I was clearly apart of my character defects. I was drowning in my pain that I created by the choices I made. I did not know where I was headed and sure didn't care. 

I never felt like I belonged here on this earth. I assumed people didn't like who I was. I was a kind, sensitive, lovable, innocent little soul. My heart was pure and my life depended on how people or my family felt. I was a person who cares more about others than myself. My impression or what they thought of me mattered most. I wasn’t the type of girl they admired. It was like they were disgusted when they seen me. Nobody didn’t like being around me, not even in school. I was bullied in every school I attended. I basically grew into my own self esteem. I hated who I was and believed everything people thought of me. Trying to hard to get the world to accept me for who I was seemed to be impossible. I figured that I had two choices and that was to change me or to accept who I was. But coming from a family where I suffered from abandonment and the friction of not being loved, I chose to create my own image. When I created my own image I became someone I was not. I wish I knew I was going to lose myself in the midst of all of this. The choice to change my true nature of self was the worst mistake I’ve made. I became immune to my fake identity or this false self I had created for the pleasure of others. I lived for the satisfaction of others and never for myself. I chose to believe in them and their opinion. What I thought of myself didn’t matter. I had no belief in myself. It only lead me toward a lost and broken soul. I hid who I truly were as well as the pain I suffered because of others. I chose to grow into the image of my own weakness. I created that from a bad and unthinkable choice. I was a very lost girl in the world of the war against myself. 

Leaving myself behind only lead me toward self hate. I would take it out on myself or cause physical pain. Thinking it was only a way to cover up the emotions I feared to feel. It killed me to feel the pressure in my heart as it continued to beat. My true emotion was something I didn’t want to own up to. The choices I made behind the lost and miserable feelings it has taken me to the place in my life I do regret. Why feel those feeling when there was a way to escape. Yes, I know I made the choice to not deal with my issues and it was not the smart thing to do. It was easier for me to not allow them to bother me. But, when I made that choice it seemed as the places I used as a box, it stopped working for me. It has only sent me on another journey. It had took me to a place I really do regret. After losing the love I assumed was the last man, I found myself living inside the world that only took pieces of me. At first I felt complete for being there until it started taking from me. I didn’t know I made a deal with the devil. People really didn’t accept me and then my family grew apart from. I was a disgrace to the world around me even the people who'd suffered from addiction like me. I chose to burry myself in that world of true darkness. That was not paradise it was the prison I created. My choices took me through even more misery. It not only made me shed tears of lost joy but it shed so many pieces from soul. I thought by making the choice to take it all back would be easy. When making it right, it was clear it was not going to beeasy and it sure was not. I mad the choice to go to a rehab for 30 days and I only stayed less than a week. I assumed I didn’t need it. I told my self that I can quit. So I chose to leave and do it on my own and the results for that only took me back to where I was before. I thought I could maybe schedule days I would use instead of doing it daily. As it continued to take more and more of me and the things around me I could bare no more. Going to rehab another time didn’t fix me neither. Not even getting pregnant. I then noticed I had a problem. Being an addict seemed to make all the choices for me. It clearly had control over me and I had to take it back. Losing was not apart of who I was chosen to be. Everyone would tell me that God had better plans for me. After finding out it was nothing I could do to fix myself, I knew I had to turn to something or someone more powerful than me. Believing in God to remove my character defects was quite a journey. I had to make a lot of changes and also better choices. As my life start to progress, I found myself getting a bit too comfortable and forgot about what I was doing. I didn’t know the effort I was putting in on a daily basis to keep my sober was going to become apart of my whole life. I became lazy and thinking I could do it my way. My self will took me only backwards only by one choice I made. I recovered and I am still in recovery till this day. I had to make a choice to stay sober and take back my own control. I couldn’t keep giving myself nor allowing it to take from me until it was all gone. Chosing to take my life back was a hard journey and it was all about making the right choices. Being here to tell my story to the world is an amazing feeling and I’m proud to tell it. It’s my choice.