Apologise? What For?

I wanted to be a lawyer but the tsunami of financial and family crises buried this dream career, never to be resurrected due to immigration, affairs of the heart, children, and professional turnarounds. Working as a freelance English language trainer in Luxembourg, I opt not to work on days when there are famous cases in court and sit in the gallery with anticipation, staring at the judges high in their chairs and lawyers shuffling between defendants and the accusers. One Tuesday morning, while quietly positioned inside an almost empty tribunal, my eyes locked on a woman, who Judge Rose Rowe called Grace Will, standing at the centre of the courtroom for a pre-trial hearing.

The plaintiff, Joy Grey, appeared with her attorney in a purple suit. I believe Judge Rowe required the presence of the defendant and plaintiff because she wanted a settlement talk.

Grace Will was only about 1.56 cm in height, unremarkable in appearance; yet, in that moment, she stood out. Her hands were folded in front of her, fingers clasped tightly together as if holding onto some shred of her wellbeing. Her eyes darted between the judge and plaintiff’s attorney, trying to make sense of the proceedings.

I had the impression Grace had never been in a courtroom before, let alone on trial. However, even without a lawyer, she formally stated her position in response to the defamation allegation with clarity.

"Grace Will," the judge's voice sliced through the tense air, "You stand accused of causing emotional distress to the plaintiff, Joy Grey. The charges are serious, and the court has reviewed the evidence. You are required to retract what you have said and offer her an apology for your actions."

Grace blinked. Her mind raced, and she protested, “I had already submitted a rebuttal document, and now this! “Apology? For What?”

“Grace Will, stand up, please”, Judge Rowe instructed her.

Grace turned her body to the few spectators, including me, – and shook her head, though she wasn’t sure she understood the proceeding.

She glanced over at Joy, a stunning woman full of make-up, seated at the plaintiff’s table. Joy’s face was tight with emotion, her eyes a mixture of anger and sorrow, and her hands squeezed together.

"Grace Will?" Judge Rowe repeated with her stern voice. "The court is waiting for your apology."

Grace swallowed hard. Her throat felt dry, her heart thudding in her chest, and her right leg trembled a bit. She looked at Joy and her lawyer, with no words of apology coming out of her mouth.

Grace couldn’t recall ever circulating defamatory words about Joy, let alone doing anything to cause her emotional distress. She could feel the weight of Joy’s gaze like a ton of bricks. Yet, her sharp voice sounded strong and certain. "Why should I apologise to you? Apologise for what!"

The courtroom went silent.

Joy disputed, "You maintain you didn’t defame me, but I have copies of your Facebook and WhatsApp messages stating that I’m a liar and an egomaniacal”.

Judge Rowe interrupted their exchange while taking a piece of paper from the folder in front of him. “Here’s one of your Facebook posts, Grace Will. Grey is dishonest and a thief, stealing my husband."

After thirty seconds of silence, Judge Rowe continued, “On the WhatsApp Women’s Book Club, you texted: ‘Grey - the thief - should be ostracised’. You still don’t know why you should apologise?”

Grace’s mind went wild but subdued. “Jude and Jill who lived happily together with us had to be separated due to infidelity”.

Judge Rowe, “Who are Jude and Jill? There is no mention of them in the exchanged evidence.”

Grace raised her head; her face suddenly turned pinkish. She uttered in just an audible voice, “Our dogs, our family. They played and ate together for 5 years until my husband left me and took Jill with him."

“Infidelity is not a crime. You still have to apologise. Joy Grey is a teacher, and her reputation is primordial in her professional life, not to mention the personal and social consequences of your defamatory remarks”, Judge Rowe insisted.

Still standing, Grace responded, “With due respect, Judge Rowe, I don’t... I don’t know why I should apologise to her."

Words continued slipping out of Grace’s mouth before Judge Rowe could stop her. She raised her head higher, turned her full body to the right, and addressed Joy. “How could you even defend that lying, duplicitous, deceitful, defrauding husband of yours! Where is he? Are you still with him? Unlike you, I don’t tolerate ménage à trois”.

A murmur swept throughout the courtroom. The judge looked over at Joy, who was now visibly shaking her head in disbelief. Her face flushed with a mix of unthinkable, frustration and hurt; she couldn’t comprehend what she was hearing.

Judge Rowe flipped the pages of the file in front of him. She looked up and faced the gallery. "Indeed, these defamatory messages on Facebook and WhatsApp don’t mention ‘Joy’ but ‘Grey in 35 Chester Road’. Let me put this simply, are you telling me - Grace Will - that it was not Joy, but her husband, who had an affair with your husband?"

Grace, still standing, nodded and confirmed it, “Yes”. Then, she added, with her eyes narrowing as they fixed on Joy, "I don’t believe you didn’t know”.

Joy stood up suddenly, her hands trembling as she gripped the edge of the table. Her voice cracked as she spoke, raw with emotion. "I didn’t know"; her voice barely above a whisper.

Grace felt the sting of something she hadn’t even realised she had -- the brazenness of an injured soldier fighting back. “Judge, she should be the one apologising to me. Also, she should apologise for wasting your time and the court’s resources”.

Joy’s lips twitched and face became paler.

Grace’s peering intently at Judge Rowe suggested she was trying to piece something together. But, she had only this to say: "I swear those remarks were meant for him. Should I say “her”?

Judge Rowe had difficulty hiding her smile, and those in the gallery started to chin wag.

Joy looked at Grace, her eyes narrowing with a blend of desolation and embarrassment. How could she not know? Her heart sank and hands shook, lost in the storm of emotions swirling around Grace’s revelation. She voiced hoarsely, "I didn’t know. I had no idea; sorry".

The courtroom was silent again, but this time, it was a silence filled with the weight of unspoken words and unhealed wounds.

Judge Rowe cleared her throat, her expression softened by what she had just witnessed. "Case dismissed. Lawyer of the plaintiff, see me in my chamber”.

The legal journey was short-lived. As Grace was leaving the courtroom alone, I glimpsed at her and nodded. I was convinced Joy’s apology had done something for her, but I also knew that the pain of abandonment would always be there. The case’s dismissal might have brought her immediate relief but, certainly, not closure.

The gallery emptied quickly in an orderly manner. Unlike most times when cases had just been dismissed, there were no muffled cheers from the accused or assailant’s family, friends, or lawyers. Only quiet discussions about gender and infidelity were felt in the hallway. 

I sat on the hot cemented stairs of the court’s building, hoping to see Joy, but left after 12 minutes due to the heat and humidity. She might have waited long for her lawyer, who was in a meeting with Judge Rowe. I can’t say that she should not have brought Grace to court because I might have done the same thing. I would have sued a slanderer to clear my name.

Like Grace, I would not have apologised. What for?

The August sun was at its zenith, shining its brightest with bare winds. Like any noontime, people were walking in different directions, going to lunch and doing errands. The garden across the court brimmed with lustre shrubs and flowers. However, this warmth of summer didn’t evoke happiness in the two betrayed women who had been in court.

I’ll never forget the look in Joy’s eyes. Saying “I’m sorry” wasn’t the hardest part of it all.