Charles Stew

CW: This story contains depictions of violence, including dismemberment and murder. References to suicide and infidelity are also present. Reader discretion is advised.



The following is my home recipe for Charles Stew. I met my husband Charles while we were both training to become professional chefs at the Culinary Institute of America in Poughkeepsie, New York in September of 2009. Served with fresh-baked bread and a nice red wine, this stew is a great Autumn meal and I think you will enjoy this dish, which must be made with true passion to obtain the right flavor profile!

Step One: Begin by finely chopping “the holy trinity”: onions, carrots and celery. You can use any type of each that you prefer. Once this is done, heat two tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil in a skillet under a medium flame for a minute or two and then add the chopped vegetables. Keep them moving with a spatula until they start to brown. Then add two cloves of chopped garlic for a minute and remove to a bowl lined with paper towels to absorb the excess oil before transferring to an 8-quart soup pot.

Step Two: In a separate 8-quart soup pot, bring 4 quarts of beef broth to a boil and then lower the flame to a slow simmer. Add three diced heirloom tomatoes, a well-trimmed one-pound lamb shank and a pork shank of similar size and cover. (My husband Charles would argue that this should only be lamb but I have always felt that the combined flavor of the two meats makes for a more savory broth.) Wait an hour and then add a pound of chopped fingerling potatoes.

Step Three: Using the same skillet from Step One, add 4 ounces of red wine and reduce under a medium flame then add to the 8-quart soup pot containing the vegetables. Add a few generous soup ladles of broth to this pot and begin to heat under a low flame. Add a teaspoon of salt, a half teaspoon of ground black pepper, two bay leaves, two tablespoons of flour or cornstarch and two teaspoons of Worsterchire. Continue to add more broth as necessary to ensure that this reduction does not grow too thick.

Step Four: After one hour and thirty minutes, move the lamb and pork shanks from the second pot to the first and pour most of the remaining broth in as well, reserving some for later if needed. Continue to heat this first pot on low flame. (My husband Charles would argue that the broth needs to simmer for at least three hours but he is a sociopath, a compulsive liar and a serial adulterer who fucks 19-year old waitress trainees from NYU.)

 Step Five: This is the time for patience. You must keep the contents of the soup pot covered for at least an hour to further thicken the reduction, but you may need to add some of the remaining broth from the second pot along the way to keep it from thickening too much. Just use your judgment. While I await this process to reach its end point I like to think about my husband Charles’ family; his vile, bigoted, self-aggrandizing mother who was born on third base and walks around with her chin held high and acting like she just hit a triple, his self-absorbed sister who has been in and out of rehab for addiction to Xanax and alcohol and who knows what else for the last 20 years and his younger brother who has launched four ridiculously failed businesses, wasting over $65 million dollars of his family fortune in the process, and who now faces a host of felony fraud charges. I thought I was marrying well. If only I had known…

Step Six: Don a face mask, grab a claw hammer and prepare an old rag with a healthy dose of chloroform. Enter the bedroom where Charles is sleeping and quietly place the rag over his nose and mouth as lightly as possible. Do not shove it down on his face, as this will awake him too quickly, but just let the soaked rag sit over his mouth and nostrils. Keep the claw hammer handy if needed. One way or another, ensure that Charles is fully incapacitated before you continue on to Step Seven. Don’t feel bad. Remember, Charles deserves this. He trampled all over your dreams and broke every promise that ever really mattered.

Step Seven: Drag Charles’ body to the bathtub and, once there, use a sharp butcher knife to sever his carotid artery. Keep a towel or rag in your free hand to minimize the mess produced by the blood splatter. Wait a few minutes until Charles’ body stops spasming and he has released his bodily waste products. (Your face mask should shield you from the worst of the rank odors during this stage.) Then, turn him on his side and use the sharp butcher knife to cut a deep incision in the upper right-hand portion of the abdominal cavity, beneath the diaphragm, and on top of the stomach, right kidney, and intestines to remove the liver. Place the liver delicately into a clean dish and transport to the pot. Continue to heat on low flame for another 45 minutes.

Step Eight: Roll up Charles’ body in a small carpet or rug and use duct tape to seal. Wait until at least 3:00am before dragging the corpse down to your apartment building’s incinerator drop and dump him in. This will take some effort because Charles has become a worthless fat fuck but take your time and make sure his corpse makes the drop clean and clear.

Step Nine: Turn off flame and await the arrival of Charles’ family members for Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00pm. Upon their arrival, reheat pot under low flame and explain to family that Charles was required to run down to his (bullshit, overpriced and ridiculously pretentious) restaurant in SoHo due to some unexpected absences in the staff. Pretend to take a call from Charles on your cell phone and then report that it will be several hours before he is able to return. Serve Charles Stew to his family members while you claim to be suffering from an upset stomach, nursing a mixed green salad with walnuts and bleu cheese with vinaigrette dressing. (Recipe to follow shortly.)

Step Ten: Graciously excuse yourself from the dinner table, go into the bedroom and retrieve Charles’ Glock .40 pistol from the closet, racking a round into the chamber and setting the safety switch to the fire position. Return to dining room, detail the contents of the meal that was just served, then shoot all of Charles’ family members in the chest and/or head. When this is done, place muzzle of gun in mouth and pull trigger.

Bon Appetit and Happy Thanksgiving to all!

THE END