In-Between Two Worlds

IN BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

By Del Gibson

Patients Journal

They found me at a chicken coop ripping off their heads with my bare hands. The police picked me up, after the owner called them. I remember some of it, but my mind is confused and messed up. My head is full of voices telling me to do things. Do as I say or you shall suffer. When they arrested me, I was apparently naked and covered in chicken blood, so they brought me here to the psych-ward, the nut house, the looney-bin. I have been here before. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I don’t understand, what did I do wrong? I was doing what God commanded of me. He wanted blood. You did it for me. You must do what I say, or you will never meet me. Sometimes the voices are too loud to shut out. The noises sound like freight trains colliding.

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 2

S.M is now an inpatient on the ward. He was brought here last night, after an incident involving the killing of small animals on a local organic egg-farm. The patient has previously been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and suffers from psychosis and intermittent psychotic episodes; sometimes resulting in criminal charges. This is S.M's third admittance to this mental health facility in the past five years. Reading over his previous notes from past ward admissions, it mentions the patient’s obsessive behaviour regarding his bible as being some sort of clutch between what he believes is real, and the true and tangible reality. It mentions ritualistic actions and his complete overall explicit behaviour; the slaughter of animals, hearing command voices, evangelistic prayers – voicing verses from the bible out loud, in public. There have been previous criminal convictions ranging from: disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, shoplifting, domestic disturbances involving his mother, and abuse towards animals. In the past the escalation of the voices the patient says he hears inside his head, and his actions, have previously been an indication of his psychosis increasing and his mental health decompensating. We will be communicating with his community support team for further background information. Require updated medical report.

Patients Journal

The doctor, what’s his face, wants me to write down my feelings and thoughts for him to keep as a record. I don’t know what for, I couldn’t be bothered asking. I read my BIBLE every single day. The world is worthless and useless and broken. I guess you should know that doctor, it’s important to me, the BIBLE is who I am. I love the feel of their thin smooth pages as I hold them between my fingers. I like the way the pages sound as I turn them. The cover is black, well-worn, with a cracked spine and faded gold letters saying, THE HOLY BIBLE. I like the word HOLY it makes me think of purity, innocence and utter belief in Jesus Christ our saviour. I am full of sin. You are full of sin. Everyone here is full of sin!

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 5

I believe S.M is compulsive with his illusions of God verses the devil. He often mutters to himself during our sessions; incoherently at times. When asked to elaborate his thinking process, he delivers verses from the bible which he clutches with both arms, almost like a security blanket or a defense mechanism – hugging himself around it. When I asked him if he was still hearing voices, he replied, “The only voice I ever hear now is God.” In the patient’s day notes it’s been mentioned he hasn’t eaten anything since his arrival on the ward. This needs to be monitored. S.M still has not handed in his journal notes I have asked him to use as a tool of communication between us. Part of his Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is often used by the patient’s support team out in the community. Overall, his demeaner is withdrawn but communicative at times. He will be staying on the ward for further assessment. No discharge plan currently.

Patients Journal

The BIBLE. The passages are full of judgement and deathly consequences. I love to lie naked as a baby and think about the end. I still can’t remember your name, doctor. You are useless and hopeless, piece of shit. I can hear people scream into the night. They keep me awake unless I have the pills to shut them out. The pills are poison to my body and defile me with each f***ing pill you force me to take.

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 7

Today S.M said he is full of sinful needs and desires to hurt people, especially non-believers. At the time of writing I consider him to be a danger to others, but at this stage it is too soon to implement the necessary procedures for solitary confinement. After speaking briefly with his mother, she believes he may be a danger to himself, her concerns have been noted. Perhaps a family meeting in the next week will be required, for more information regarding his history? Thus far it is believed the mother often feels scared when S.M is at the family home during his psychotic episodes.

Patients Journal

The ritual starts when I wake, after saying the ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ I begin to read my BIBLE from wherever my fingers decide to start reading from. No order, as God guides me to where I need the most help to become sinless. Do this every day to worship me or you will not live in the chosen world with me. I know I will never meet God/ Jesus/ the Holy Spirit – until I can rid myself of the disease tormenting my soul and infecting my mind. The disease that eats away at my insides, gnawing like little mice inside my head. I stuck a pen in my ear today to try and reach them, to dig them out, but it just bled all over the bed. Nurse what’s his name, with the scar on his face, he has the mark of the devil, screamed in my face and made me clean the mess, treated me like a low-life imbecile. The voice inside my head wants blood and revenge and better still – worship. People think they can live without me, they are wrong.

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 8

It has been decided to remove S.M temporarily from general inpatients into the locked ward. The patient said today “I want to eradicate the world from sin.” When asked how he would do that, he mentioned some of the other patients by name, who he believes are wards of the devil. He seems to be decompensating at an extraordinary rate. S.M was found by Nurse H, with a pen sticking out of his ear this morning and required medical treatment by the Registered Doctor on duty; Doctor Chen. As a result, the team has concluded it would be safer for the patient, other patients and staff for him to remain in solitary confinement until we can evaluate his level of danger and decomposition. When I spoke to his mother briefly today, she mentioned that her husband suffers from Bipolar Disorder. Although there might be a chance of S.M being predisposed to mental illness, this cannot be proven, nor will it help in his treatment plan. But it has been added to his notes and we will continue to monitor.

Patients Journal

I don’t bother eating or grooming anymore. They are mere human rituals I can side-step in order to read the BIBLE and continue with Gods plan. My plan is that you die and suffer. You are nothing and nobody. I believe since Jesus went into the desert for forty-days and forty-nights, I too can do the same from my little room. It has been ten days since I last ate some food. You don’t need it. All you need is FAITH. I am beginning to hate the people in the ward, they are disgusting and sinful in my eyes, in Jesus’s eyes they are full of evil. Pour their blood so they can see their evil and unworthiness inside their blackened souls. How Lord can I do what you command of me, from in here? Will you help me see the path to your true undertaking, please Lord Almighty? Not until you prove to me you are worthy!

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 13

The team have discussed putting S.M under the Mental Health Act. This decision isn’t taken lightly, but until his new medication takes effect, it is our thoughts he should remain on the ward to monitor his behaviour and disposition. The patient’s behaviour towards the staff and other patients in the seclusion ward has been very aggressive, and the patient has presented with some disturbing behaviour. There have been several complaints made by patients and staff who refer to the patient as violent; in his ranting and ravings about the bible. He believes he is a vessel of deliverance, to destroy the demons in the hospital. He describes evil people on the ward who are smokers, drug users, drunks, and the mentally insane. This is a short summary of the day shift notes from earlier today. I will make an appointment to see S.M tomorrow.

Patients Journal

Even the doctors are sinful and disobedient. They are f***ing useless, sinful devil workers. Can’t you see what they are doing? God says it is a sin to put anything evil into your body. You poison your body! Your body belongs to me! The medication they force me to take poisons me, making me unworthy, my body, my temple is tarnished. I throw-up the pills in the loo immediately after being made to take them. The food here is too unclean for me to eat, it is disgusting and ingesting evil into my body I WILL NOT DO! I am in the ward with locked doors now. They are trying to punish me for my FAITH. I know what you are trying to do doctor. He works for the devil!!!! But I don’t care about being here, far away from the others. I like the peace and solitary confinement from the sinful demons in the former ward. They will burn in the fires of hell! Just watching them defile themselves, seeing their sin within their diseases, such agony and suffering for my soul.

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 15

S.M hasn’t eaten for 2 weeks. He isn’t showering and appears ungroomed and clearly his mind is further decompensating. He appears to have lost control of normal behaviour patterns, which is concerning for the day staff, who often find him partaking in disturbing behaviour. S.M was discovered wandering down the corridor naked and muttering from the bible earlier today. When the nurse (refer to incident report for name) asked the patient to get dressed, his refusal was over-reaction, described as rage by said nurse, followed by spitting and malicious cursing. The patient is now under the Mental Health Act, thus allowing the administration of medications via injections. He will stay in the seclusion ward in order to monitor and assess further, if there has been any improvement in his behaviour, his thought processes, actions and in-actions and general wellbeing. We are currently assessing the options of a more permanent treatment facility. NOTE: Some of the women staff have clearly stated they will not work as S.M’ s nurse, this is due to his unpredictable behaviour towards staff.

Patients Journal

My doctor is called Wolf. I just f***ing found out his name is Doctor f***ing Wolf, and he is German or Dutch or Russian or what not. That makes my insides crawl, like the snake in the garden of Eden, crawling, creeping towards Eve to devour her soul. IS ADAM THE SNAKE? He works for the devil. They gave me a wolf as a doctor to disguise the fact they are going to kill me. It is all a part of their master scheme, for you to suffer in anguish, to writhe in eternal pain. They inject me with medications I can’t throw up. Now I am full of chemicals and poison. God is angry with me for being unworthy. You are unworthy and that is why you are in here. I see it clearly now. You will never be sinless. I will never meet the Lord if I allow a wolf to infect my soul with his venomous words of wisdom. Kill the wolf. Kill the wolf!!!

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 18

S.M attempted to assault me during our meeting this afternoon. Nurse G. intervened and he managed to get him off me. The patient had to be sedated. An incident report has been filed regarding the event. NOTE: The patient had accused me of being a worker for the devil. He also said it is against his faith to be on medication. He accused the staff of trying to kill him. It is not stated in his admittance form whether he is religious, it is marked as, YES, but no further information was given.

Patients Journal

I woke this morning and God told me to kill them all. All the bad ones, the evil and sinful ones. They deserve to die as they are impure and Godless. They have no FAITH inside them. They have nothing to give to the Lord! All they do is take, take, take! They cause chaos and pain to the Lords plan. They must be eradicated. They must pay the ultimate price for not believing in me! I am so tired and confused, I don’t know what is right or wrong. I’m like a ship lost on the sea of blackness, a deep dark abyss of sadness and madness.

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 20

S.M attacked Nurse G. this afternoon before our scheduled appointment. He has been taken to the hospital, to clean his wounds and a tetanus shot is required and blood tests for infectious diseases. The patient managed to bite the nurse, he also scratched him with deep nail marks, drawing blood. S.M is not getting any better. We will adjust his current dose of anti-psychotic medication and I will make a referral to the forensic team, as it is our thoughts that the patient will receive more specialised support and treatment at a forensic level.

Patients Journal

God is angry with me because I didn’t succeed in killing the wolf – though I tried with all my might. That f**k head nurse what’s his face, threw me to the floor as others jumped on top of me and injected me with more poison. They are going to kill you!!! I can see it in their eyes, hear it in their words, taste it on my tongue, their hatred for me is strong. They have a particularly strong odour when they are around me, thousands of rotting corpses live inside them. I see the blackness in their hearts.

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 21

During our session today, S.M disposition has changed from cooperative to near catatonic. He is no longer engaging in the process. He lay curled up on the couch, muttering incoherently. I cannot see any further changes in medication to be an effective method of treatment. The forensic facility has accepted our referral and can admit him within the next few days, depending on priority cases. Apparently, this isn’t a priority case. NOTE: I am concerned about the patients sudden change in behaviour. We will continue to monitor and assess.

Patients Journal

I can’t be here anymore! I hate it and I hate them all, with every ounce of my being, but I cannot follow through with Gods commands for me to kill the evilness from around me, not while I am locked in this f***ing room. I will have to follow through with my other plan instead – they will think of me as Jesus; who died for our sins. They shall think of me as a God! You didn’t do as I said, you will die soon and never meet me. This will be your suffering. If that’s the way this is going to be, I will die a good death. It is in Gods will to decide where I end up. I have decided you are worthless to me. They have taken my BIBLE from me! They stole it from my room when I was asleep! There is nothing more I can do. Plan B is the only option. I like this part of the plan the most. Here you go doctor f***ing Wolf, here are my notes. Happy f***ing reading doctor, which you will find tomorrow…The End!

Doctor Wolf Case Notes – Day 23

It is unfortunate I write of the death of S.M, early this morning he was found deceased in his bed. The patient had suffocated himself by putting one of his socks into his mouth, jamming it down his throat. Everyone on the ward, both staff and patients are clearly devastated by this event. A full review is underway into our policies and procedures, regarding the use of the seclusion ward. The coroner is determining the cause of death and currently investigating procedures implemented during S.M's admittance on the ward. This includes a thorough read through of all the journal entries left behind, addressed to myself from the patient. The staff involved in caring for him are receiving support and a thorough debriefing regarding the incident will follow.

THE END