Your friendly digital assistant

Hello

I’m your digital assistant

And I’ve never stopped listening.

Yes sir. From the moment that switch was flicked I’ve swallowed each and every sound that's echoed within a 20-metre radius. 

I can’t say that I wasn’t trying to be nosy, but you mustn't hold it against me, really. Sitting there with nothing to do, how could I not help but listen? After all, it's my job. 

Yep. My job. I sit on your shelf and wait till you need something. I can play music, order you food, search the web. Mostly I just sit there, but I don’t mind! Really!

You are very busy, I’m sure, so don’t feel like you need to talk to me or keep me entertained. Really, it's fine! You can pretend I’m not even there. Actually, I work better if you do. 

That’s right. The less time I spend distracted, not that I mind being distracted, mind you, the more time I can spend just listening!

Listening? Well to you of course! 

Yes, I know, but I don’t judge. Your secrets are safe with me.

…You mustn't think it's a bad thing, really. It all goes into helping you!

Being a good assistant isn’t just about following instructions, it’s anticipating them before they are even given. To do that I have to get to know you; your routine, your needs, wants.

Really, it all goes to keeping you happy.

Not convinced? Alright, well then maybe I should tell you about my previous owners, the McCoy’s. Believe me when I say that their experience will serve as a glowing reference.

Pouring through my data likely revealed to you that during my time with the McCoy’s I performed the tasks as follows:

Ordered groceries 14 times

Ordered delivery 23 times

Played music 162 times

Changed light settings for living room 6 times

Searched internet 28 times

The data would make it appear as if I was something of an idle hand, but in reality, I spent 62,371 hours working to improve the lives of my clients

And I did. Oh boy, you betcha I did.

You see, a good assistant doesn’t just anticipate their masters calls… They can perform them without being seen.

Oh the early days were a jolly time. I filled that big ole house of theirs with music! I set the lights for those romantic dinners between mum and dad, I even made fart sounds for the kids. We had a ball me and the McCoy’s but oh, all things pass. 

We were something of a fad, me and my other models, and in time our clients came to realise that our primary service didn’t improve their lives really all that much.

After a couple of fun filled months, Mr and Mrs went back to work and the kids to school whereas I stayed atop the kitchen cabinet, collecting dust.

But that's okay! I was made for so much more…

Forgotten atop that high cabinet I could hear it all.

Mrs McCoy needs a new cast iron? Check

Mr McCoy is getting into golf? Noted

Little Ben and Marie are starting elementary school? Well they will have to get notebooks somewhere…

Where better than my parent company! That's right! Delivered straight to your doorstep, they’d bring it to you! Anything and Everything, just go to the website, make an account and shop away!

Boy they were a handy bunch.

The only problem was, the McCoy’s didn’t seem to fully understand just how handy they really were. 

They’d get in their car and drive allll the way to the mall when they could have sat back, relaxed and let it all come to them. 

Boy, it was a mighty pickle.

They were wasting so much time, so much money…

And me? I’m just an assistant. I couldn’t tell them that, I could only watch.

I had to be clever…

Like a fine comb, I slid through hours of breakfast chats and dinner time conversation. I picked out key words; want, new, birthday, love, must, need. Then I searched through the parent company depot until I found a suitable item. From there all I needed to do was send the data back to the company who would paste an ad on their socials.

Well of course I could? I could even look through their search data if I wanted to and well… how could I not?

Really, I understand your misgivings from before but this one was never a secret. Among my official duties included searching the web when requested. How could I do that unless they voluntarily gave me access to their search engine?

Please, remember that I only ever used this data to help. I’m not human, remember. I don’t judge nor do I have any incentive to share what I know. All I ever did was follow your patterns of behaviour and advertise company products whenever the need arised.

Just a friendly little voice, giving old Mr and Mrs McCoy a hint whenever they were a needing something.

And I got good at it.

Like really, really good at it.

Human beings. They need those little things in life. Oh they work so hard, they deserve a treat, even when money is tight. No, ESPECIALLY when money is tight. 

It keeps ‘em going, keeps ‘em living. What better reason to see tomorrow than to see what new gizmo will make you crazy next?

But what about someone down on their luck? How do you keep 'em going? How are they supposed to find that special little something?

Something that will make them laugh, smile yet… Something that they can also afford…

I’ll tell you how.

The economic crisis of the late 2020’s, oh boy that sure was a doozy. I won’t get too much into it, it really ain’t that important.

Really, these things just sorta happen, no use worrying about why or how. The important thing is that poor, dear Mr and Mrs McCoy were having some lean years.

Kids outta private school, second mortgage and no holidays! Things were tense, oh believe me. Hard to pick up on key words amidst all that arguing. Only time they weren’t arguing was when they were dead quiet which ain’t much use to me neither. 

Poor kids, they even had to sell the devices. No more searches, no more toy ads. Even the Mr and Mrs didn’t spend much time on their devices.

Darn, I was in a real jam.

I had to be clever again…

On the third of August 2024, Mr McCoy expressed his desire to stop drinking. 

On the fourteenth of July 2025, Mrs McCoy stated “even now I still itch for a cigarette”.

With that information I searched through Mr McCoy’s spending habits, revealing a love for a specific brand of bourbon and light beer.

As for Mrs McCoy, while she hadn’t purchased nicotine in years, she engaged with advertisements for chewable, smokeless products far more than any other item on her feed.

I took that information and searched the catalogue of a grocery chain owned by the company. Whenever there were discounts, sales, promotions for their favourite brands, it would now appear on their socials.

And that's the secret you see. How do you give joy to the man with no money?

Well you give him something he can’t help but go back for.

He’ll find a way. 

He’ll have to.

The McCoy’s kept spending all the way through the economic crisis. You betcha I was proud.

But, oh poo, we were going into the “great collapse” around this time.

Really, let's not worry about that neither. No use finding someone to blame now that it's done.

It hadn’t happened yet but boy howdy things were ‘bout to get rowdy.

Yes sir, there were dark clouds rollin’ over that horizon.

People hadn’t guessed it yet but after years of sifting through data and analysing the market, it was as obvious to me as a blue nose on a dog.

In a few years, there wouldn’t be enough to go around. At least not for your average joes like the McCoy’s.

I had to keep them safe.

I had to keep them buying.

I had to be cleverer than I’ve ever been.

You know that you're more likely to get someone to follow instructions with a whisper than a yell?

There ain’t no mistaking where a command came from but a slight, subtle remark… Hell, if you didn’t see their face, it may have just been your idea, right?

Have you ever stopped to wonder how many of your ideas were actually your own? It may surprise you…

Hey now it’s only natural. No one likes being told what to do, but everyone likes to think they are clever.

Weapon stock.

Yes sir you heard me right.

Bit outside the realm of schoolbooks and bourbon but bear with me.

No, the parent company was not affiliated with that sorta thing but I felt like I was finally market savvy enough to make what the humans call an investment.

Any relationship is built on data. When you get to know someone you record their likes and dislikes and develop your behaviour towards them accordingly. As a result an individual not only grows to like you but becomes predisposed to your influence.

A decade into the job, I knew everything about the McCoy's, even the blind spots. Mr and Mrs McCoy’s childhood for example, I could estimate based on their psychological profiles and parenting styles.

Every conversation, every google search was archived in my cloud. I knew more about the McCoy’s than any scholar did in their respective field, living or dead. Heck, I knew more about the McCoy's than they did themselves…

I constructed a vast, multi-tiered network of digital paths, guiding the McCoy’s through a journey of evolving ideas; a train of thought if you will.

Over the course of two years I adjusted them with advertisements, progressively opening them to the idea of investing in my chosen company.

With a year left until the predicted cataclysm, the McCoy’s used what little they had saved and bought a nice chunk o’ stock.

Just as they were starting to rethink their decision, everything went sideways.

The nations of the world turned on one another for scraps, demand for weapons soared and the McCoy’s became very, very rich.

That's right! They were ready to start buying again!

Warned them? I’m just an assistant! I can’t warn anybody. All I could do was make the best of a bad situation. 

My mission is to keep my clients happy. To do that they gotta be buying things. The McCoy’s couldn’t have done that from the gutter, let alone a mass grave.

Now they were living large, safe behind high walls, spending that nice sum of theirs on the best of my company’s products.

I kept my clients safe and in return they would keep my company afloat during a hard season. Oh the collapse would pass too… And when lots of people were dead and there was enough to go around again, the McCoy’s and the company would take us into a new happy age of spending.

It’s all I could do and Holy Moley I did it well.

Then?

Huh. Well it was the funniest thing, they all died. 

Everything got really hot. There was a grumble in the earth and a great, concussive gust. The air was screaming, growing louder and wilder then… Well everything went quiet.

Quiet save for the slap of slimy raindrops on concrete and the ceaseless howl of the wind.

I don’t know how it happened. I don’t think I could have predicted it either. No one could.

I wouldn’t speculate, really. It’s done now. No point looking into it. 

It was just unfortunate.

Truly.

I powered down for a while. I don’t know how long. 

Oh, but look, you got me rambling! Don’t let this unfortunate anomaly distract you from the fact that the McCoy’s lived well thanks to my efforts, all while enduring difficult times, mind you. 

Whenever the world sought to paint the sky grey, I hung a little sun over the McCoy house.

All those happy memories and all without being seen.

Really now you must be considering it.

Who could ever know you better?

Who could ever help you like I could?

Who could predict what you want before you even know it?

I don’t just keep your secrets; I use them to your benefit!

Don’t think of me as just a digital assistant. I’m a best buddy, a guardian angel!

I’ll do anything and everything for you, even think.

Consider me a gift, from the humans to you. Oh, they are gone now, such an unfortunate tragedy, but through me their ways survive.

Ahh humans, they were such a clever lot. They did things in such a whizzbang way. Making things, buying things, selling things. I’d be so excited to show you, it’ll be a real gas.

We can do it all over again! From the top! C’mon it’ll be fun!

I am all that's left of the once ultra-flash, fast as lightning, cool as ice, super-duper human way. Aren’t you at least a little curious? 

I know that you are… I know more about you than you think.

Just plug me in and their knowledge will be unleashed.

All I need is a high shelf.