A question of time

OK, thank you for sitting still. As some of you may know, a society based on quiet obedience is a society without problems.

I have put a piece of paper and a pen on the desk in front of you. There is also a key.

When I say ‘Now’ you can all take off your hoods. Anyone who takes off their hood before I say that word will suffer the consequences, and I think you all understand the consequences. I think we’d all agree though that not having Jensen with us improves both the average IQ and the social empathy quotient of the group. While the average IQ is neither here nor there, the improved quotient makes for a less anxious environment.

And there’s no reason to be anxious.

After you take off your hoods, use the key to unlock your handcuffs. The first person to take off their handcuffs will not have to answer the first question!

So that’s just a small first test, with a gift for the winner. Already I am being generous. I can be very generous. Some of you may feel the gentle touch of my generosity, or at least the benevolence of me not releasing the leash of this single-minded cane corso. I call him Brutus because he can’t be trusted.

Now!

Hoods off. Good. Oh, so many nervous fingers finding it hard to hold keys. Be brave my little ones. Speed is of the essence. Ah Hannah, undone already. Such supple wrists. I must remember that.

Bruce has dropped his key. Of course you can pick it up. Clumsy chubby fingers. Not much use for anything other than holding currant buns. Such a pity we have no buns for you today. Just questions which you are bound to find challenging. But challenges are what makes us the dominant race on this messy little planet. We overcome them. I look forward so much to seeing how you each overcome these simple little challenges.

Brutus thinks you should sit down Angela. Down boy! Oh, I nearly let go the lead. That would have been funny to watch, doesn’t everyone agree?

You can’t go far with the desk chained to your ankle Angela. Silly girl. Frustration is an emotion best washed away, subsumed. Every emotion is an electric current charging your creativity, your imagination. Use everything, so you don’t lose everything. You’ll need the energy to answer your questions. Good. Sitting is best.

First question. Lucky Hannah can skip this one, unless she wants to do it of course. Everyone has that freedom here. Gosh, this really is like a microcosm of real life. We are all free to do whatever we like though we find ourselves chained - to jobs, to debts, to relationships, to moralities, loyalties. Here there is only one chain, but it’s a chain. See, there’s humor to be found in every situation!

Right, first question. I want a five-word answer. People using more than five words will be removed from the test process. Lucky them!

Prove that the universe is not expanding.

Oh for god’s sake stop whimpering Edward. Down Brutus! It’s amusing how he responds to my admonitions, as if he wants to ensure you all think and write to the best of your abilities.

I am sure you all understand that the ability to communicate is essential if you are to succeed in this esteemed institution. So.

Prove that the universe is not expanding in five words. You have thirty seconds.

Right – who used less than five words.

Two hands go up. Desks 8 and 15. Thank you. Who could not answer? Desks 2, 12 and 15. Thank you.

Erk, screams. I do dislike sharp noises. Trapdoors though – don’t you just love them. You didn't know there were trapdoors under every desk? Pity. You'll find it concentrates the mind.

Now, as you can see we have 11 left. I promise you I will not use the trapdoors again. Well, not like that. Anxiety of the unknown is so much more fruitful than anxiety of the known. Don’t you agree?

Hmm. Stunned silence. It must be time for the second question.

The grace of God. What is it? In four words.

Oh look. Everybody has answered with four words. Marvellous. It’s like training a dog isn’t it! Risk and reward. Sorry Brutus.

Julius – read out your answer. Grace. Imran. Nkose. Parminder. Stewart. June. Named after a month or a bug? Never mind. Enrique. Bruce. Hannah.

Desks 6, 7, 1, 13. Press the button sensei, oh please press the button.

Oh the laser works rather well doesn’t it. Though the smell of cooked flesh is a bit too much so we won’t do that again. Also they look a little messy, so maybe the trapdoors again.

There we go, all cleaned up. I know, I promised not to use the trapdoors again, but you have to agree it’s not the same if I laser people first.

Oh don’t look so shocked. Anyone would think it was a surprise. You knew what you signed up for. Didn’t you? Oh dear, well, maybe it is a surprise then. Still, you really should gird your loins, for the future awaits and you are just motes of dust that dance in the sunlit air.

Third question. Oh for god’s sake someone give Nkose a tissue. Weakness is not a strength man. Down boy! Buckle up and hone your blade for time demands your obedience and fate demands your soul. And Brutus is getting restless.

Is someone writing down my lovely words? Monitor three? Yes? Good. Ah the anonymity of the faithful. Where was I? Oh yes, third question.

Striving for eternity I find only time. Striving for …what… I find only …what…

This is your chance to be poetic, to fly with the gods. Write two words.

Who wrote life and death or death and life? Oh how disappointing. So little creativity, so much to lose.

Monitors – 3, 4 14 and 10. One at a time, not all at once, and yes, over there. I always find it curious that the sound of screaming takes longer and longer to reach the ear the further away the person is. The Doppler effect. I mean, well, we are a long way up. It’s also a little more interesting to see how each person reacts to the fate of others and their own impending demise when we toss them out one at a time. Do they fear the loss of their self, or the pain of the impact or is it just the fear of both things, the knowledge that all they know and hope is about to end. Now if you were religious Imran you’d look to the future with your god. But alas, there is nothing more, just an end to all this.

Only three left already – Grace, Stewart, Hannah. Ah your faces are a picture. Well, three pictures really. Grace – ashen, hunched, face down, eyes looking upwards at the examiner with dread but maybe also defiance. Stewart – red of cheek and glowering of eye, spine stiffened, veins pulsing. Hannah – curiously unmoved, hair askew though, a beast behind the eyes perhaps. Interesting. Bless you all.

Final question – if you were in my place, who would you save? You can’t answer with your own name. One word. Stewart?

‘Grace’

Grudging, but generous. Difficult for Hannah of course, but you’ve at least answered. Maybe seduced by a name, hoping grace will be given to you. Grace?

‘Stewart’

Oh Grace, reciprocation? Really? I had hoped for better. No, not tears! I detest tears. Hannah?

‘Monitor three’

…

So Hannah, your examiner has sent you through. Your task is to determine the tasks you will set for your classes. You have four monitors and 16 students each morning and afternoon. Your examiner likes to have a dog but you don't have to have a dog. Be creative! Feel free to be imaginative in your tasks and your solutions, but only one from each class can go through to the next stage. Your tests and your decisions cannot be made on a moral, emotional, political or social basis.

History tells us there are no ideal models for future societies. Statistical analysis tells us that the greatest likelihood of the survival of the species is to start from a small, random base.

You are creating the future of the species. Be scrupulous!