The Soul in Her Steps

The bar was always lively with people lost in the in-between moments, dancing and singing as they tried to live their best lives, to free themselves with a drink and give into the atmosphere of the evening. Maria seemed no different, no one would have batted an eye if it hadn’t been for the fact the bar was closed that day – as per her instructions – and she’d only popped in to collect the cash from the last shift, and make sure everything had been closed properly.

She didn’t mean to start dancing, hadn’t even meant to turn on a song, but she hadn’t been able to stand the silence. Actually listening to the music had been a secondary thought in her head as she clicked on the old stereo, until she’d recognized the tune. The humming had started first, her mouth finding the key as her fingers discovered the rhythm. She felt it stir something, as she walked along the worn wooden floors, her heels clicking out of sync to the melody. It was overwhelming, an ache starting from deep inside as she began to sway, that engulfed everything else but that moment. A tide of yearning to let go of focus and melt, and before Maria knew it she was dancing, dancing like no one was looking.

“I haven’t seen you dance like this in forever, Mars.”

Maria knew the voice, recognized it with an echoing ache, as she swayed, her left foot tapping to a song she couldn’t quite hear the lyrics too. She’d known the voice for years, from the moment it spoke its first word, to… well it didn’t matter. No context was going to change the voice of her younger brother from anything but comforting.

He was her anchor, a steadfast figure from early childhood into their adult years. He’d talked her through applying to college, having her first relationship, soothed her when the relationship ended. He even helped her open her own bar, and had taken shifts on occasion when staff was low and she couldn’t run it by herself.

Without opening her eyes – because she couldn’t face the colors of reality right now, not when her mind was finally thrumming in sync with her heart and the bass of the music – she replied as softly as she could, her throat aching from crying the night before.

“Oh yeah, and when was the last time you saw me dance like this?”

The rhythm changed, the song switching as Maria spun herself, her heels discarded now as she embraced the chords and swelling first chorus.

“I think it was Jess’s wedding, I believe you were wasted and someone put on MCR.”

Ah, their sister’s wedding. That was so long ago, Marie sighed, her brows softening with years gone by as she shifted her posture and the timing of her steps to match the next verse. She had been wearing black then, as she was now, but her energy had been different. More lively, then wayward soul.

“Has it really been that long since I truly danced? It couldn’t have been that long, not with how much I love to do it.”

“Priorities change. People change.”

She could feel her brother’s gaze, as her next step almost became a stumble. He was always one to stand on the sidelines, and she’d always been one to pull him into the fray. To grab him by the wrist and yell over the song, that this was the best song to dance to, which happened to be almost every song. She did it at the wedding, she did it at her 35th birthday party, but not this time, and though she wished, and pleaded to herself that she would, she knew he wouldn’t join her anymore.

“I didn’t mean to – didn’t mean to change.”

She was dancing faster then, dancing to lose the heaviness in her mind, the emptiness in her heart. Her eyes were burning, darkness taking up her vision, but she refused to peel open her eyes just yet. 

“And yet the world goes on turning. It’s not the end of your world Mars, if you forget how to dance for a while.”

The song was reaching its crescendo, her heart screaming in her chest the same way her lungs ached for air. Wanting desperately for the familiar, for the respite for pain, but Maria could give it none as she tripped, a chair left out of place spilling her onto the floor as her eyes flew open and she hit the floor. 

“But it was the end of yours.” She whispered as she lay there, her lips shaking gently as she stared at the blurry outline of the floor.

The pain in her knee, and the palms of her hands held no candle to the pit in her stomach as she stared at the worn wooden floorboards of her bar, her brother’s words holding no response as her burning eyes leaked and spilled over, tears hitting the floor too loudly in the silent wake of the ended song. 

The tears were not for her knee, nor her aching feet and pounding head. They were for the hole in her heart her brother filled – had been filling all her life – until the day his could no longer bear the weight of the world. Three days ago, and no more.

He’d been so bright, a year before, the wildest, most fiery spirit she’d ever known and the greatest dancer she’d ever seen – when he wanted to be. But no candle could burn forever, and her brother was no exception. He must have known he was dying before that, but for reasons she’d yet to understand he said nothing. He took her to an amusement park when she needed a day off from her family, bought her a drink after a long day of work. Did every little thing to see her happy, and spend time with her, all while hiding his own suffering. For as long as she was happy, and they had each other, then he was happy too.

She didn’t find out it was cancer until it was too late, though it had been too late even when her brother alone knew. He was in so much pain then, so much suffering even just seeing him tore Maria to pieces and yet she did it anyways. For there was nothing more comforting and gut wrenching at the same time, then to know how much her presence and love brought her brother peace. 

He’d told her, in the end, he didn’t want her to hold on to him. Not after he was gone, and not if it meant she would fold in on herself as she had often done when they were kids. She didn’t have the heart to tell him it had already begun. 

From where she lay on the cold hard floor though, Maria could feel everything and nothing at once, a black hole growing and tearing at her from the inside, and she knew she would not last forever. That this version of her, couldn’t go long without imploding. Her grief was unfathomable, her brother irreplaceable, but like he’d said to her the night he told her he was dying, and she’d gone to drink the night away, the world would go on turning.

For now though, she was not ready to move on, maybe in a week, or a month she’d accept that he was gone forever, but for now she needed this last bit to hold on to the memories of him. This last bit of time, to mourn and to grieve.

So with all the force she could muster, Maria picked herself off the floor, switched the stereo to the next track, and as she let her tears flow, she lost herself to the music. For the rest of the night she danced, and danced like no one was looking, because it was the one thing she could find the strength to do.