His Sin

Trigger warning: sexual assault/abuse

"Are you sure you don't want to visit Naomi?" Hiro asked Hoshi. They were inside a café when his girlfriend informed him that they would be visiting Naomi's grave.

Hoshi clenched his fist as he heaved a sigh and forced a smile. "No. I already lost the right to face her."

Hiro frowned then he patted Hoshi's shoulder. "It wasn't your fault, Hoshi."

Hoshi pushed Hiro's hand away from him and walked out of the café.

That day was the day that he dreaded the most. If it was just possible to skip that day every year, he would. But he knew that it was impossible. He could never run away from that past no matter how much he tried to forget it.

As he let his feet took steps without really thinking about his destination, he found himself in Naomi's favorite place— the garden at the left part of their campus.

Naomi used to call it her sanctuary. No matter what she felt, she would always be found there. Every corner of that garden was filled with memories that he shared with Naomi. It was full of Naomi's smiles and laughter.

The place used to bring comfort and peace in him, but at that moment, all he felt was grief and sorrow. Gone were the days that Naomi was spending time with him. There was no more memories to make with her because of something that he did back then.

What he did to Naomi was unforgivable, and he would atone for it, even if it took forever.

It was a normal night for him. He was hanging out with Hiro and Kou in his apartment when Naomi suddenly called him. Just like the loving boyfriend that he was, he immediately went to her home and there he found his girlfriend— almost naked, crying, and resisting —while her drunk father was on top of her.

He couldn't think straight at that moment. His heart was punding fast in rage and all he could think about was the need to save his girl. He didn't care about whatever the consequence of his actions would be. Then when he came back to his senses, he was already covered in blood while holding a knife, his girlfriend's father was in front of him while holding his bleeding chest.

Naomi's father died, but he wasn't arrested because it was considered as self-defense. At that time, he thought that he did the right thing, but he was wrong.

He didn't know that Naomi suffered after her father's death. He thought everything was fine because Naomi never mentioned anything to him. It was too late when he knew and he couldn't save her.

It was the 6th of May in 2016 when her mother saw Naomi's corpse hanging in her room. Hoshi lost his love, his heart, his world—everything. All that she left for him was a letter that he kept in his wallet all the time.

He sat on the bench and remembered how he would lay there while using Naomi's lap as his pillow when he needed to take a nap. The warmth of her hand while brushing his hair with her fingers was still in his memories. The way she smiled at him during those moments was still vivid in his mind as if it just happened yesterday.

He sighed as he took out his wallet and opened the letter again. Every year since Naomi's death, he would re-read this letter. He wanted to punish himself as he was reminded of the guilt and regret of what he did. He killed Naomi. He was the reason for her death.

Tears pooled in his eyes as he re-read the letter. The precious last letter that his beloved left for him.

Dear Hoshi,

I know that by the time you receive this, I'm already gone and I won't be coming back. I just want you to know that meeting you was the best thing that happened to my life. You are my sunshine, my happy pill and my knight in shining armor. You are the best epitome of your name, because you are the star that made my dark life so bright.

I was so happy that you and I ended up being lovers. I never expected that someone like you would even notice a shy and timid girl like me, but you did. You made me the happiest woman just by staying by my side. I'll always be grateful, because you showed me love that I don't even deserve.

I know that you're definitely grieving right now because I'm gone and you'll never get to see me again. Please know that while I'm writing this letter, my heart was also shattered into pieces by the thought of leaving you behind. Forgive me, love. But as long as I'm alive, I'd always be daunted with the horror of my past. I know that I would never be truly happy living because I was the one who dirtied your hand. I can't stand the thought that I was the reason why you, the most amazing and the kindest guy on earth, was covered in blood that day. I don't know how to face you without feeling guilty.

I wrote this letter because I don't want you to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong, Hoshi. It was all my fault. I know my life was not enough to pay for the scar that I would leave on you, but this is my way of atoning for my sins. My sins towards you and my father.

I love you, Hoshi. I will always wish for your happiness. Be happy, even if I'm no longer by your side.

Love,

Naomi

His shoulders shook as he covered his mouth to prevent the sobs. If he wasn't just too reckless, that thing would never have happened.

Now, all he could do was drown in his own misery. This was his atonement for his sins— for killing Naomi and her father.

Even if the people around him kept on telling him that it wasn't his fault, he knew that it was. No matter how much they coaxed him into believing that he was innocent, he knew that he wasn't. It would always be a part of his past.

"You're here again."

He immediately stopped crying and hid his face when a stranger entered the garden. He sat on the bench behind him, knowing that he didn't want him to see his face.

"Why do you always cry here?" the guy asked.

"That's none of your business," he answered in an annoyed tone.

"You must be lonely, crying here all alone." The stranger chuckled.

"Who cares? I deserve to be lonely."

"And why did you think that you deserved being lonely?"

"Because I did something wrong that I could never correct. So, this is my way of atoning to that sin."

He felt better talking to a stranger. He knew that he didn't know anything about him and his past so he could freely tell him his thoughts.

"You mean, hurting yourself emotionally is your way of atonement?" The stranger laughed.

"What's so funny?" He was pissed with his reaction.

"Kid, don't take sin so lightly. You should not be stuck in the past no matter what steps you took. Continue moving forward and refrain from looking back. A sin is something you could never atone for— no matter what you do and no matter how long it takes. All there's left for you to do is move on and learn from it."