Half In, Half Out

Until the very last moment, Ella had held out hope that it wouldn’t rain. Of course, it started drizzling the second she reached her platform. And it absolutely shouldn’t have surprised her. In fact, if the past week was any indication of how today was going to go, she could’ve predicted it with certainty.

She glanced at her watch. Her train was supposed to depart in two minutes. Any reasonable person would’ve expected it to already be at the platform. Ella looked around—she wasn’t the only one standing in the rain, which at least confirmed she wasn’t on the wrong platform. But she was the only one without an umbrella. And, of course, her platform just so happened to be the only one without a roof. The hood of her jacket was doing its best to keep her dry, but even it had its limits.

Her eyes drifted to the digital board above the track, where a bright yellow word blinked into existence at the end of the line that began with her destination. DELAYED.

Today, a destination. Tomorrow, a home.

There was nothing to keep her in this town any longer. She’d planned to leave a week after graduating, and on the last night out with her classmates, she met Jamie. Within a week, they were together. In six weeks, moved in. They had been inseparable ever since. That was now three years ago.

Three years can be a very long time - or just a glimpse, depending on how you look at it.

Three years worth of memories - holidays, conversations, weekends, date nights, and breakfasts - add up to something big. Something worth fighting for. Something worth saving. That’s what she had been doing. She’d given her all so they could have a home, not just an apartment to live in. Working hard so they could afford more than one vacation a year. Paying attention to everything and everyone, so Jamie—and everyone else—could feel seen, never having to worry about a thing.

But at the same time, three years is a very short period of time—proof of that stood right next to Ella, here in the pouring rain. Three years could fit into two pink suitcases and one worn-out sports bag. That’s not a lot of bags. In fact, it was less than what Ella had packed when she first moved here for school.

All those months, weeks and days pressed toghether, zipped up. The first suitcase full of neatly folded weeks stacked in perfect piles. The second, full of carefully positioned days like Tetris blocks—each one with a wonky shape, but when you’re skilled enough, they fit together perfectly. The sports bag? That was the emergency kit. It wasn’t planned. But when she rolled the two suitcases to the door there were more things she hadn’t thought to pack. A random memory here and a quiet little moment there. They had slipped her mind.

Already in a hurry, she grabbed the biggest sports bag there was and shoved everything she at first had forgotten into it, threw it over the shoulder, and ran for the taxy. All while knowing there were things she wanted to take but couldn’t. Memories she had to leave behind. Conversations that would never leave the apartment. Touches that would only ever live in that bedroom.

The word DELAYED still hovered on the board in its orange glory, like an omen over the rest of Ella’s life. In hopes of spotting even a sliver of blue sky, Ella did a full turn. But no matter which way she looked, everything was the same—gray.

Finally, the train began to slowly approach the platform through the heavy rain. Ella grabbed the handles of her suitcases, ready to escape the downpour. The screeching voice of a woman echoed from the open train doors: „Apologies, passengers! We were delayed due to technical issues. However everything is now resolved. We will be departing in exactly five minutes. Departure at 10:10.”

Since ten o’clock on a Wednesday wasn’t exactly a peak travel time the coaches were nearly empty. The first stroke of luck Ella had all week. She managed to snag a seat by a table and shoved her suitcases under it. Out of the rain at last, she quickly peeled off her soaking wet jacket, sat down and combed her hair with her fingers. The hairbrush was probably packed neatly at the bottom of one of those suitcases. She had absolutely no intention of opening them. She knew what waited inside. All the small details that made up the years. The memories — the smiles, the laughter, the inside jokes, the songs they’d sung on road trips, the birthdays, the sunday shopping sprees. But more important than what was in there – were things that weren’t.

Everything she had wanted but never got. Everything she’d asked for but was denied. All the things she’d been promised but never recieved.

The bags were full of details, but the glue—the thing that was supposed to hold it all together—was missing. The glue that was meant to give all those details meaning and place, had never been there.

All the little things Ella had taken with her, she absolutely adored. She loved the gestures and the moments that made her smile. The quirky presents and a whispers that made her blush. But when she looked at the big picture, they were just.... floating. Hovering in empty space. Filling the silence. A distraction from what really mattered. She had always felt Jamie had—if not one foot—then at least a toe, out the door.

She crossed her arms on her chest like a pouting child arguing with a parent. She was in a fight with the other side of herself - the one that wanted to stay. The one that was scared of turning the page and taking a step toward the rest of her life. The one that always said: „Ella, give him time. He’ll come around. He just needs a little more time. Be patient, Ella. Wait just a little more, Ella. Ella, do this. You have to do that, Ella!”

„Ella!”

Startled, she glanced around. Had she really said that out loud? Luckily she was the only one in this coach. With a deep breath, she shifted in her seat, trying to find a more comfortable position for the next five hours.

„Ella!”

This time she was sure it didn’t come from her mouth. She looked around searching the source of the familiar voice. Her eyes finally stopped on the window, where Jamie—panting and soaked to the bone—had come to a full stop pressing his hands against the glass. Her heart beat louder than the rain tumbling on train’s roof. Ella stood and walked to the open door. Their eyes locked.

„One minute until departure!” The woman’s voice screeched behind her as she was making her way from the back of the train to the front.

“Please, Ella, please don’t leave! I’m so sorry! For everything! Please give me another chance. I promise—I’m ready. I was just scared before. But now... Now I know! We can do all the things you’ve been wanting. This last week has been a nightmare. I can’t live without you. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I need you! Please, Ella, please! I’ll do anything and everything you want for the rest of my life!”

Ella stood one foot in the train and the other on the platform. Half of her in, half of her out. The doors began beeping and the others slammed shut with a loud bang. She looked at her pink suitcases and a soaking wet jacket, then back at Jamie. With a slow, deep breath, she stepped out of the door's way. They closed with a loud mechanical bang.