I'm the Problem

The ticking of my wall clock was a calming noise after collection my artwork I was going to show off to the art critic. Though my major got me a chance to meet with him, it didn’t guarantee me a place in the art building. I sighed finally just picking the park piece that I had done two years ago and the new one of the college’s pond with runners going around it. I looked at myself to make sure I was ready to go. Perfectly ironed jeans, a tan sweater with a nice pattern on it, and my black dress shoes. My parents’ ‘Rose Illusions’ label would also probably help me out as I felt confident. Everything was prepared.

           “Danny! Hey, Danny!”

“Travis?” I questioned while making my way to my room’s door and opening it to reveal my boyfriend.

           “Ooh someone’s looking sharp.” Travis chuckled as he made his way in and ran his hand through my ginger hair. I slowly closed the door still trying to figure out why he was here. I didn’t remember us making any plans at this time. I always plan things in advance so surprises wouldn’t come up. “Going somewhere?”

“I um…” I couldn’t really answer him as his lean figure looked at my canvases with interest. He had seen them before, but Travis seemed to look in awe at them. “What brings you here?”

           Travis turned around to look at me giving a cute pout, but in the next moment it was gone. His brown eyes still seemed to show a sadness to it though. “I was hoping we could go out for a bit.”

“Right now?”

           “Yes, we haven’t done anything fun in awhile and come on, it’s the first semester of college.” Travis smiled. “Why, have something to do?”

I looked away from him a bit shocked that he had gotten back to the question he asked before. Travis was quite good at making smart responses like that. I could see him coming into my viewpoint and I tried to respond with an answer, but —

“Can’t we do this at some other time? I mean you can hang out in my room and relax.” It was pretty spacious thanks to my parents buying the dorm room for just me. No roommates to go through my stuff and try to talk to me. Truly one of the good reasons for coming from a rich family.

           “Danny…would you please stop bending around the bush?” Travis sighed making him cross his arms and look at me seriously.

“I’m not trying to.”

           “But you are. Danny, I can see the paintings on your bed. You don’t get those out that often and you are dressed up in your parents’ line meaning you are trying to be calm and collect.”

“Right, well I know with those tight clothes on and that nice cologne that you weren’t hoping for a night out.” I said while seeing a darker tint to his face as he tried to look less flustered. It was fun seeing him like this, but the ticking of the clock was reminding me of the meeting. I didn’t want to tell him, not yet. I didn’t want to get my hopes up and I didn’t want him to celebrate me if nothing happened from this. It was better for it all to ride out until the results were clear on both sides.

           “Fine maybe I was hoping for a little fun afterwards, but my point still stands.” Travis said while I felt my mouth go dry and I could only look at him. Complete silence ran through my room. I didn’t want to break it; I didn’t want to talk about this. “Danny, please just tell me what’s going on.”

           “I…just need to…do something.”

“And that is?”

I swallowed hard. Trying to understand what Travis just said, but a constant ache in my head told me to not give it. I have given him as much as I could, and he still wanted more? How was I supposed to give up something? It took me years to do that with my parents and they were very patient. He was crazy, but why did he have to look at me with those dark pools? I seriously wanted to give all my secrets if it made him stop looking at me so sadly. I opened my mouth hoping words would fall out, however it felt like cotton was lining my throat. It sat deep within my gut too, making my stomach hurt more than when I told him I liked him in freshman year.

           “I can’t anymore Danny.” Travis said ripping his eyes from mine as the ache in my head seemed to calm down. If he was done talking about this that meant I didn’t have to continue suffering. My body was feeling like a weight was finally lifted off of it and a sigh of relief escaped my lips. He looked at me then. It was cold and full of anger with tears running across his dark cheeks. “If you can’t open up to me then we are through!”

           “Wait…through, through?” I questioned trying to replay the conversation in my mind.

“Yes!”

It was starting to become blurry that I couldn’t piece where things went wrong. Why was he breaking up with me? I told him over and over again that spilling out my guts was hard. He said he understood that and would be patient with me. So, why was Travis breaking up with me? “Haha that can’t be right…we, we are supposed to be in this together.”

“Danny, we been together for 5 years now and I been tolerable, sympathetic, and trusting all this time.” Travis whispered slowly starting to curl in on himself as if he was hiding. I wanted to comfort him as I reached my hand to his arm, but he pushed it away. He never rejected me before. “But you clearly aren’t comfortable enough with me to share even the littlest of things a-and that fucking hurts!”

“T-Travis please,” I said feeling a lump form in my throat, but I was able to swallow it down, so I could talk to him. “we can work t-this out.”

“Like we tried to right now?” He shouted while I could feel my heart getting squeezed as I realized that fact.

“I-I’m sorry, I can do better.”

           “…Yes, but not with me.” Travis said while turning around and disappearing out the door before I could say his name.    

I could feel the pounding in my head as I stared at the door. It had to be a dream or a mistake! Travis wouldn’t give up on me like this. He knows me. He knows that it is hard for me to open up! I waited for a moment praying a knock or a twist of the handle would signal that he was coming back, but it never came. “What just happened?” I cried feeling my legs give as my phone alarm went off for the meeting. I couldn’t move though. My head was aching more, and my throat felt like I was choking. Tears were clouding my vision as the ringing of my phone continued.

           “Why did he…?” I asked but the words failed to escape my lips as I ran my hands through my hair. Hoping that it would lessen the pounding. I needed to think. “We were…”

I needed to think, not talk. I shut my mouth letting the ringing and aching of my head sink in. Travis had given me so much time to be open. That caused the pain to be stronger. I took a deep breath. Think. Mother and father were disappointed that they couldn’t understand me. That thought made the pounding go down. They wanted me to open up. I didn’t until last year. I took another deep breath as I wiped my eyes to stop the waterworks. Mother was happy to be informed, father was comfortable with talking to me more.

           “I…”

I reached for my phone turning the alarm off as the screen broadcasted the picture of Travis and me at our first dance. Fighting back my sadness, I unlocked the phone calling the most used number.

           “Hello? Sweetpea?”

“That Danny? Put it on speaker Rosie.”

           “Moth— mom…dad…”

“Sweetpea why do you sound like that?”

           I couldn’t hold back the sorrow in my voice as new tears flowed freely. “Travis, broke up with me.”

           “Oh, Sweetpea are you alright?”

“It was my fault.”

           “How was it your fault, son?” my father questioned while I could hear the shuffling of mother probably adjusting the phone. I swallowed hard trying to push down that cotton in my throat and that nagging pounding in my head.

           “…I think I have a problem.”