Tears of Sadness

It was a cold Friday morning in Toronto, Canada. There was frost on the ground and it was icy. I got up ready to slay the day. My hair was already straightened and I was in the spirit. 

I put on my dad’s oversized dark blue shirt and pants, planning to twin with my boyfriend. I looked great! 

As I rushed downstairs and ate three small yogurts for breakfast and handed my dad my school computer. My dad thought it would be a great idea to show him the messages downloaded from my abusive ex before the school principal sees them. This would prepare my dad for any questions asked. 

I stopped at Mcdonald's afterwards to pick up a coffee and rushed home. I’m in the car all energized and all happy. It was such a surprise that I wasn’t in my usual mood. I’m there with my dad handing in my USB to the principal so he can check all images and screenshots sent from my abusive ex who was still at the school. 

I gave my boyfriend a hug. He wasn’t wearing the clothes we planned out together, even though he said he would bring the good-smelling red velvet spray for me to put on. It felt weird.

I continued to sip my coffee slowly, surprised it was still warm. This time I was standing with my boyfriend until he said he had to tell me something and I was anxious to hear, but at the same time, I was wondering what was up. 

He rushed me to finish my coffee, I chugged the coffee as he pulled someone in to be his “emotional support person.” It was scary. 

My anxiety began to rise once again. Then, we all just went our separate ways to our classes. I went for my morning walk with my best friend who I knew since third grade. Then, he was there trying to bring another emotional support person and made my other friend leave. I was scared once again. 

He was spinning around in circles anxious to talk to me. As I watched him whisper into the principal's, teacher’s and emotional support person’s ears to tell me what he wanted to say. 

The words came out of his mouth, “We are breaking up.” He ran outside, and I was left there hurt. 

The emotional support person asked how I was feeling, and that apparently it was an experiment to see if he was straight or something else.  I mentioned how confused I was.

He was everything! We had so many similarities. 

I rushed back to class running as I felt like crying. My emotions were filled as I told my best friend what happened. Ever since then, I wasn’t able to process anything. After class, I ran to my second class not wanting to interact with him at all. 

I tried distracting myself, but nothing helped. 

It felt so weird going out of class without visiting him in his class. 

I came back excited to finish the last few questions for my math test. I couldn’t breathe when I came back, pulled out my phone and that’s where all the conflict started immediately. 

He wasn’t joking and wanted to actually break up with me. I was in tears and had no idea why. Everyone in the school started to ask me questions. I didn’t even do anything at all but still got blamed for pushing him into a relationship too early, even though he clearly also liked me. Apparently, he said it was my fault for getting him involved with my personal life when he was okay with getting involved and that is what a relationship is all about.

I’m sorry for loving him, getting in trouble for helping and even just being there for him when he needed it most. 

That’s when it was time for me to mute my messages so I wouldn’t get any notifications every second from him. It was so upsetting that I wanted to kill myself and go home. 

Then, he wanted me to meet him in person inside the school cafeteria when I thought we were done. He wouldn’t text me and just wanted to talk to me about whatever it was, face to face. 

Even though, he knew I was crying and that I was scared he would start more trouble. He had already told everyone and was siding with everyone else he hated. I couldn’t believe what I saw.

Then, he told me not to bother coming which I was glad about. I continued to write, but nothing stopped me as I was having one of the worst days of not wanting to be alive. At the same time, I felt like starving myself, it was the worst. 

I was anxious, sad, upset and felt sick to my stomach.

Thankfully, it was already lunchtime, and I was grateful that today was the day that my friend and I planned to go out for lunch. I really needed the break from everyone and everything.

As I was walking with my best friend to go get lunch, I got spammed with calls and loads of messages. It was from that boyfriend, and his emotional support person calling to check in and it was pretty strange as it was out of nowhere. She never checks in on me. 

When we hit our destination for lunch, it wasn’t busy and was sort of peaceful. 

I was really scared to go to my last class of the day when I got back. My boyfriend was in that class and knew I was already having a rough day. 

It turns out that person was staying in the office of the school counsellor until the end of the day. I found it helpful so I can concentrate in class without that person being there. Near the end of the day, I get a text that was on silent still, saying he didn’t want to even be friends with me, he was a bit calmer and wants to chat in person after school.

I got blamed again, but I was feeling a bit better so I was fine to talk with him in person after class. My best friend didn’t want to be involved in the stressful situation which was valid. 

After class, I see him standing by the doors near the front of the school, hiding from me. He didn’t talk to me and it was awkward as he stood near me. 

I got in the car after my carpool's mom got there. My thoughts started to race as I still kept thinking of wanting to be in a relationship with him. Everyone still was giving me those weird looks that made me uncomfortable. 

As I got home, right away I messaged him asking if we could talk to sort things out as he wanted to do previously. He said no and that he can’t talk to me or hang out with me anymore as if he was told.  He refused to tell me what I did which made him want to break up with me. I asked for my hoodie back, and he said if I wanted it, I have to get it from the office by myself as he doesn’t want to see me. Thankfully, it was Friday so we could both have a great from each other. 

It was really unfortunate. We’d been together for three weeks, next week would’ve been our one-month anniversary, and I was ready to buy him a Christmas gift. 

That was that. 

I learned that not everyone will have a good reason for breaking up. You can only do what you can and work with yourself to make yourself a better version of yourself. You can do it! Someone will always look up to you and you are needed.