SWEET STRUGGLE

I love my best friend, but I don't need to hang out with her all the time.

I truly hope somebody can relate to this and that I don't want to sound like a horrible person.

I am an introvert. I am so much of an introvert that I took this random quiz that is supposed to tell you how you rank on the introvert/extrovert spectrum. My results: I was ALL THE WAY on the introverted side. Y’all, I love to be alone. My idea of the perfect day is going to the gym alone, making my breakfast smoothie and eating alone at my dining table (I live with my family.lol) with the current series I am watching on Netflix, taking myself to the movies alone in the afternoon, taking myself to the rooftop with my laptop and writing whatever I’m inspired (mostly nothing) to write that day, and lastly curling up in my room to read some more or watch TV before I fall asleep. I don't even feel the need to spend every day with my family. We see eachother everyday and that’s it, I love it.

I know that might sound so sad and incredibly solitary to a lot of people, but it works for me. There have been days that I realised I never spoke out loud, because I didn’t interact with anybody. Now, this isn’t everyday, obviously. I have a college where I have to talk to and deal with people the whole time and it’s fine. I just have a strong need to be alone to balance out all the people's time.

The one problem with this is that my best friend THRIVES on people. If I’m on the introverted side of the seesaw, she’s on the other extroverted side trying to keep me up and out of my solitude,

She is a med-student. She goes to college from home, but she really hates being home alone. If her roommate is ever out of town, she'll always make plans to have a little get together or to go out so she’s not in the house by herself for a long period of time. She has a LOT of friends. I met her a couple of times when I was in her city. If it were up to just me, our friendship probably wouldn't have lasted this long only because I’m terrible with keeping friendships going. I’m bad with keeping in touch and reaching out first to hang out.

She keeps me social. I love her for that and I love hanging out with her. The only problem is that I feel like I’m being a bad friend if she calls me up to hang out and I say no only because I’m totally loving my current Netflix binge in my sweatpants. I just need a heads up. I need to prepare myself to be social. I rarely say yes to impromptu social plans because I haven't mentally prepared to be around a lot of people. It’s just how I’m wired.

Once, I’m at a party and the people are nice and there’s music and the vibe is fun, I’m good. I can dance and have a good time with everyone. When I tell people I’m an introvert, sometimes they’re surprised. I’m good when I’m around people, but they just don't realise, I’m SO GOOD not being around people. I often feel so relieved to be back home alone once I leave a party. I can’t recharge around people. I feel emotionally drained after being in a crowd. I need to be alone to recharge.

I really have some experiences with her. 

I used to speak softly(sometimes). Although they were not very private, still I didn't want anyone else to hear that unnecessarily. But she used to ask me frequently, “why are you speaking so softly? Speak loudly.” 

We both were in the same class during 11th & 12th. That’s how we became best friends. I used to sit at the last bench in the last corner where even a light can’t enter, sticking to the wall. Since she was my best friend, she had no other option than sitting somehow at the outer side of the bench. Many times, she used to tell me that she was not feeling well. She needed to sit comfortably resting her shoulder against the wall. But I never Left my place just because I was uncomfortable sitting outside. Now, I feel bad for that. 

I feel that I was a burden on her sometimes. She deserves better friends than me & I think, in that case, she is on the right track now. Though we completed school together, the pursuing of each other's dreams separated us. She is a med-student & I am pursuing M.com. She loves everything and every human.

It’s a beautiful balancing act. You both will balance the energies you bring to your friendship and each other in the process, WOW!

She was that loud, funny, fun and everything you associate with an extrovert. And I was literally a PEOPLE PHOBIC PERSON. 

She would make my “serious” outlook on life so much lighter! Something I would mull over with sadness or thoughtfulness all day in all seriousness, and when I would share with her, In jest she would give me such a light, easy perspective to look at it, I would be like woah! Why don’t I ever think like that?  She gave me courage and street smartness in moments of difficulty.

And I had an equally neutralizing effect on all her madness from time to time. No one understood how we could be so different and still hang around so much together. But I owe some of the best days of school to her, because she made me see the fun side of things, the jokes, the true school craziness which I would have all missed out on being the born old soul that I was. 

It’s not JUST because of her. But she still left a large impact on me and yeah I became more relaxed and talkative. Well not that talkative actually because I’m still quite introverted.

Anyway,

It’s really really fun to have an extrovert as your best friend as an introvert. I never speak much simply because I don't have much to say. But I love listening to her. 

It’s really challenging having her beside me. Once we were sitting together in a mall and someone came, she addressed them with hi or hello while I am very bad at that. I just made an excuse and moved out of the sight.  

It’s a bit weird to have a friend who’s ideas and plans are quite the opposite of yours. If you’re like me, you’ll end up having arguments & frequent fights just because of contrasting opinions and situations. We used to argue a lot. Once because of my introverted feeling, I almost lost her. I didn't realise how much it hurt until she told me herself. 

Yeah I am not going to lie, I’m that type of possessive friend. If you’re part of my tight-knit circle, I want you all to MYSELF. That ain’t gonna happen with an extroverted best friend. Sometimes, I feel inadequate because she (being an extrovert) doesn't seem to need me as much as I need her. She spreads herself thin across as an endless list of friends and fun activities. As long as she makes time for me, I am happy. But I feel frustrated on the days when her busy social calendar means she can only “squeeze you in” for an hour, as if you're at a business luncheon or a PTA meeting, instead of her most loyal (and awesome) friend.

And here comes the serious issue, Her FOMO always annoys me and my FOGO never fails to frustrate her. 

Besides everything, One of the best reasons I am drawn to her in the first place is the way she makes life interesting and more exciting. She took me on adventures and helped me to see the world in a whole new perspective.

There’s always plenty to read about how to deal with romantic breakups, but the biggest loss in my life is what it feels like a breakup with her. Yes you got it right, Geographical barriers (she lived near her college while I was still in our hometown) was the main reason.

Two years back, we ran into each other once and made small talk, which is the worst. I find it excruciating to make small talk with a person with whom I once shared almost everything. I started wondering to myself, What do I do? Do I let go of the friendship? Do I try to sit her down and have a heart-to-heart?

You know what it’s occasionally lousy and super inconvenient to be an introvert? Because of this. Because people. Because of ALL THE SAD FEELS. 

We introverts don’t take friendships lightly. I mean, come on. Who wants to find a new best friend? It’s HARD making friends, and the thought of going through all the incremental steps of building intimacy again with someone else? 

UGH. EW. NO, THANK YOU. I’LL HAVE THE TV DINNER FOR ME.

I can feel the questions running in your mind : Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault?

Yeah, Maybe I could have been better in this friendship. Maybe I could have called her more often. Maybe I could have shown up with takeout coffees and bagels.

But really? I’d say it’s probably that I did just fine in this friendship. Once when I was bemoaning a terrible situation I could not seem to fix, a very wise soul asked me, “Did you break it?”

“Did I break what?” I had asked.

“Any of it,” he said. “Because if you didn't, maybe it’s not yours to fix.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I felt that.

Maybe this friendship isn’t yours to fix anymore. I said to myself I tried for the better part. 

I am especially grumpy in the presence of cliched statements like, “Maybe the friendship just ran its course.” But in this case, maybe it did. Some friendships are seasonal, part of the fall foliage or spring blooms in your life.

With all that being said, I am so grateful that I have my friend in my life. In my life, If I didn’t have her, I’d definitely be lonely. I’ve finally exposed my introverted struggles to her so I know she understands. I hope She won’t take it personally even if she doesn’t hear from me for days. She made me appreciate how important it is to step out of your comfort zone and that life is meant to be shared, maybe just not EVERYDAY.

Despite everything, 

Dear Introverts,

So free yourself. Be mad, Be sad - it’s all okay. The loss smarts, but it doesn’t have to keep smarting. Love from afar the-her-you-know, like a calm and collected super BUDDHA; love the friendship you had like a beautiful photograph; and be brave enough to let the-now-her-go. It doesn’t matter that she let go first, and it doesn’t matter why, not really. What matters is that you let yourself start healing and realize the only people worth your time are the ones who make you feel like you’re with everything. 

~Sincerely,

Fellow Introvert who is blessed with an Extrovert Best Friend