The Journal of Joel

4/6/20

I sometimes ask why I’m writing in this journal again. I don’t write stories, I read books. I don’t write in journals, I play on my computer. But looking back on this again, I start to realize how much I loved writing when I was a little boy. I remember how much you inspired me to follow in your footsteps, and how you told me no matter what to always write every day. I remember stealing your favorite pen to write down my first entry, how you pretended you never noticed in the first place. Me? I remember that joy on your face the next morning when you realized I never returned it. I know you knew I stayed up all night writing everything in this journal, and I feel you were so proud during that night.

Maybe I really am sentimental, or maybe it’s just because it’s 6 a.m. and I finally decided to write in here. I couldn’t sleep anyway, I really want to write a conclusion to this journal. You always were the one to always finish your projects, even when you were at the worst of health. What kind of son would I be if I didn’t hold up your sayings, you know? I have a bit more room for a few more stories to tell, and I can’t wait to tell the things I haven’t told you in person. I can’t wait to write like a child again. But first? I really need some sleep.

4/7/20

Hey, I hope you’re still reading this. I couldn’t sleep at all tonight, and for some reason, I couldn’t even bring myself to open my computer. I, well, I started to read your books, all of them. Of course, I’m still reading through them all but I really just can’t believe what I missed! There are so many details in here, and I can’t believe just now I’m connecting all the little hints and inspirations you used! I mean seriously, our trip to Alaska? And then there’s the story on how you dabbled in romance and used my crappy experiences! I barely remember telling you that story about how I accidentally kissed the wrong girl, and yet you turned it into a best-selling romance comedy! I think I finally understood what you meant in that interview when you said your inspiration came from your family. 

I… There are so many hints of me, grandma, and even mom in these stories. There are so many moments that are written after all of what we have gone through and well… I’m sorry about the wet spots over most of the pages in your written library books. I also noticed that you saved all the adorable and teeth-grinding stories I wrote as a kid! How could you? Well, I’m not going to shred them if that’s what you’re thinking. I actually read over them and well… I think I want to rewrite some of this stuff.

4/9/20

Sorry for not writing yesterday night! I honestly couldn’t find myself exhausted enough to fall asleep for both nights you know? I find it really easy to write at night, which is totally opposite from you, isn’t it? For all I know, all I see you do is write during the day and read a whole lot before sleeping during the night. You’re a literature monster! Then again, you’re always on my case about staying up and playing video games, so I can’t complain! Anyways, I didn’t write yesterday for the same reason I’m staying up. To write. Instead of discarding the box full of papers I wrote in as a child, I’m digitally remastering them into something that will not only make you proud but surpass what you could ever write! Haha, just kidding. I don’t think I can beat a master at his own game, you know? Anyways I can’t believe you wrote little tidbits and comments on the sides! How could you? I think I spent half of last night resisting the urge to just tear them all up then and there. Honestly, though, I think they really helped. There’s a lot of stuff here that is very helpful in terms of technical and creative writing. You sounded really formal, like a true critique of art. No wonder you wouldn’t give me the box when I was young, I think I would have cried!

I really appreciate your notes. Except I want to confess something to you. I’m not going to listen to your written advice here anymore. Did I get you there old man? I’m joking! Mostly… Look dad, here’s what I mean. I want to be more independent now in terms of writing. Some of these stories that I have written have pages upon pages of commentary and suggestions and corrections and outright commands! I am well, I’m going to follow most of them. I hope you don’t take it the wrong way. If I need your guiding hand I’ll read over your papers, if I need some inspiration from the man himself I’ll go to your personal library. Either way, I’ll still miss you, you know that? Because of you, I think I want to get back into writing. I’m going to try my best to surpass your success and become even better than you! I’m not trying to make you mad dad, and I know you know that. I want to make you proud, even now.

4/13/20

Tomorrow I won’t be able to see you. How do you expect me to sleep tonight? I plan on giving this tomorrow and letting you keep it with you throughout your operation. I hope you read it all, ok? I know we talked about this earlier about you living through this, but still, I need to give this to you. All my life you’ve inspired me into a character I know I want to be. I never could’ve asked for a cooler dad, you know? You say all these cheesy lines about how I’m your best creation, and how you’re glad you could’ve been a part of my story, but yet here I am still crying. I’m giving this to you because I know you need it. I know you can pull through this. You asked me who my inspiration was, and in the end, we both know who it was anyway. I’m proud to be your son, dad. 

I love you.

-

Joel, I read it all. I read it all. Either you write, or pursue another career, I’m so proud Joel, I’m so proud. Your mother is proud of you, I know it. I know you left this blank space for me to write in. Sneaky, son. Just like your father. Do what you have to do, Joel, but no matter what, always finish what you started. You know, I’m starting to worry about my place on top of the industry after all. If you can even try to, beat your old man. Heh. Still, nonetheless, I love you. 

Thank you.