Guilt is a Mother

Well, she'd done it again. She was the enemy... again! The day had started well, everyone was happy and excited about the trip. Her son had erupted into the room at the crack of dawn ready to pack the car. Her teenage daughter was out of the bathroom with hair and makeup already applied. My, she was growing up so fast! Even her husband, who normally slept in on Saturdays, was in the garage. The sounds of the clanging tools were mixed with the occasional muttered explicative. This told her that he was checking the oil, preparing for travel.

What was the woman's unforgivable crime? What had she said that brought such scowls from her otherwise loving family? "Let's have some breakfast before we hit the road." You would think those nine words were a declaration of war!

The little boy was always picky around mealtime. It was never what he wanted, when he wanted it, and sometimes even how she arranged on the plate! His balking came as no surprise. But her daughter was her main supporter. Especially since she'd begun that vegan diet. Food labels and ingredients were now regular topics of mealtime conversation. But today was different.

"Mom," the young girl began with eyes opened wide in frustration. "I told my friends we'd be there by noon. We'll never make if we don't leave now!" She finished with a huff. Her husband was no better, he asked "Honey, traffic is already getting heavy, we can't grab something on the way?"

The woman's heart felt heavy in her chest. Is it wrong to want to make sure everyone starts their day with the most important meal? "I'll bring some breakfast bars and juice bottles," she felt defeated...again.

The next battle began once everyone was in the car. Everyone settled in and was ready to go. Anticipation was thick in the air. But she couldn't ignore the obvious. She looked to her left at her loving husband, then in the rearview mirror, the scene was the same. Why did she have to be the one to speak up all the time?

"Are we going to put our seatbelts on?" She heard the groans from all sides, even her husband snapped his in place with some reluctance. She waited till she heard the two clicks from the backseat, feeling guilty. She only wanted them to arrive safely. No one was interested in hearing her statistics... again.

Then there was the cell phone issue. Her husband usually could disconnect from work on the weekends. This latest client was a real challenge, so it was no surprise when she heard his phone buzz. But the kids had devices connected to the car system so he couldn't take the call hands-free.

"Are you seriously going to get that?" She heard herself say as he fumbled for his phone. It had come out harsher than she intended, but this was important. Not only was he breaking the law, but he was also endangering all their lives! She answered for him and took a message.

"I hope we didn't just lose that account..." Her husband said while shaking his head. "Any account that would want you to drive distracted isn't worth it." She replied without a hint of guilt. There was also the loudness of the music, the speed they were traveling, the list went on and on.

Finally, they arrived at their destination. Her comments about wearing sunscreen, helmets, and looking out for each other did not go over well. Her family all agreed but she couldn't help but feel like she was just tolerating her. She felt a little guilty for always being the bad guy, but it was for their own good. They would thank her one day, wouldn't they?

She reflected on that thought as she brushed her hair at the end of the day. She had time after everyone else was fast asleep. She had checked and double-checked all the doors and windows. After she turned every appliance off, she sat in front of her bedroom mirror. Her reflection stared back at her. This train of thought had begun when she was washing the dinner dishes.

Her daughter had helped and that gave them some quality time to catch up on what was going on in her teenage mind. But the woman treasured the solitude at the end of the day. So, she dismissed the young girl to bond with her dad and brother over a board game.

She brushed another stroke of her hair and saw someone familiar looking back at her from the mirror. She saw her own mother. And she remembered how anxious she was on her wedding day. Her mother told her; you will learn as you go. When she had her first child, her mother was there to reassure her. "If you love them and take the best care of them, you will be a great mother," she told her. She had been right, there was no need to feel guilty from today's worries.

She did not feel guilty about the last conversation she had with her mother. She didn't know it would be her last, she no doubt would have prepared better. Her mother had been sick for some time, but she didn't expect her to die on that sunny autumn day. The day before, they had shared a casual lunch together. They were relating a humorous story from her youth, there were many to choose from. The woman spontaneously had thanked her for being such a good mom, setting such a good example for her. Who knew that would be their last conversation?

She saw her mother's warm smile reflected at her from the mirror. She saw the caring eyes. She had become her mother. And she came to a shocking conclusion. Her children would one day appreciate all her worrying and her stressing over them.

Yes, now everyone sees her as being guilty of something terrible, taking the joy out of every activity. But she is only guilty of loving and caring for them unconditionally. And guilt is a mother...