The love I didn't know I could lose

The cat meowed, the dog barked and I cried. Or I was trying to cry, the wild winter wind was so harsh, it made of my deeply dramatic moment a mockery. I was supposed to have a beautiful flushed face and dainty teardrops on my cheeks, but I just looked like an idiot with my eyes squinted and lips cracked. I was also really hungry.

I rose like the prettiest rose, kissed by a heavenly sunrise in a time lost long ago, in a Victorian era, when beauty was appreciated beyond words, loved to the point of creation. My type of beauty. My mother used to say that my kind of beauty is the one painted by the renaissance painters, that Leonardo da Vinci himself would have begged for my presence, that the ancient sculptors would model Aphrodite after me.

That was another way of calling me fat.

My Aphrodite figure was in need of some chocolate after all that crying.

The kitchen was the best place for me to find some comfort, when at this time the earliest of the delicate sun rays flooded it, making it seem dreamier than it already was. The white-gold marble, the columns, the color pouring from the stained glass adoring a few of the windows. And most importantly, the comforting smell of morning coffee that meant my father was awake and ready to start the day. I was yet too young to drink coffee, or so my mother said and she herself stayed away from it as she deemed it unbecoming of a lady to drink such things, but my father would still offer me some discreet sips of his cup. That was our little secret.

“Madame, please get me a sweet treat fit for a broken heart.”

“Right away, Miss.”

Salted caramel ice cream with chocolate biscuits was served on a golden tray. Madame, even though she was but a lowly housekeeper, was very noble of heart and wore herself with the dignity and gaiety of a princess. She was also my beloved confidant, though I could only remember that I loved her, as my sad heart could no longer feel anything but despair.

“You seem troubled, Miss. If I am not too direct and if you do not consider me disregarding my position by asking, what is on your precious mind?”

“Oh, Madame, you simple, happy creature. There is not one being on this wretched earth more unlucky than I am. No one has met such pain, such sorrows as I am experiencing right now. I feel like I should die from this pain. I didn’t think it possible for a heart to still beat when under such distress. But as hard as I try to lay in my bed and feel the sweet cold embrace of Death, its sudden but so awaited kiss, to become his bride and let him take me to his palace beneath the very Earth we stand on, I simply cannot. I think just like my lover, Death doesn’t want me.”

“Miss! Is that possible? A lover! What will your mother say? You’re too young, Miss, that simply cannot be!”

“Oh, Madame, my mother will never know because there is nothing to know! Please, grab yourself a cup of tea and join me at this table, I need somebody to hear the last laments of my dying heart!”

“But, I cannot! I have chores, what would your parents say if they found me here, sitting and talking, instead of working hard to earn the generous salary they so kind-hearted bestowed me?"

“They will be happy there was somebody around to listen to their only-child’s last words!”

There was not space for more words, when such a dreadful ending was foreseen. She took her little cup, the smell of the rose tea filling the room and dancing with the early light in the kitchen, the same way my parents used to when I was younger.

“I was ready to run away with him. To betroth in a small village where we’re nothing but strangers. Strangers, but so deeply in love that villagers start talking about us. Wishing us well. Wishing for themselves the same thing. The gossip spreads about the poor strangers, poor in pockets, but so rich in heart. We sleep in an abandoned cottage, the weather cold but our bodies and spirit so warm and filled with love. Money has no importance when I get to hold his hand. Oh, and then the news spread to my mother and she instantly knows who it’s about. She takes the fastest carriage and the best horses, runs to our little Heaven and barges in ready to snatch me away from my happiness. But she can’t! No, she’s a mother! She sees such happiness, such gaiety, such content that she realizes she cannot deny me this. She forgives us and invites us back to our palace, where we live happily ever after!”

“Oh, that’s a spectacular story, little Miss, but pray tell, what happened to the boy?”

“The boy! Oh, don’t even mention him to me anymore! He has no place in my heart! No name and no face! Oh, he used to fill up my heart and now it’s so empty.”

“What happened?”

“The boy! Oh, he… he…”

“Yes?”

“He left me for another!"

“That cannot be!”

“That’s what I said but I am here and he is not so it can be! Oh, I loved him so much and he said he felt the same! I didn’t even think I could lose him! We were meant to last forever, Madame!”

“Who is this another?”

“It’s a match his parents made for him! A wealthy girl, comes from a good family.”

“Surely, not more wealthy than you!”

“That goes without saying, Madame! He was only after money! As soon as he found out that my mother disagrees with our union and I plan on leaving my wealth for him, he got on his horse and trampled all over my heart! Today he is supposed to get married to another! After he promised himself to me.”

“He promised himself to you?”

“Yes, he did. With a ring and a kiss. See?”

I showed her the ring he gave me, when he said it was from his father to his mother. But who can believe a word from a beautiful liar’s mouth! He could've found it on the street for all I know, like the greedy street rat he is. Oh, how can you play with a girl like that, who’s only sin is her love for you! A rat, that’s what he is! He cannot be considered human anymore!

“Do you know where the wedding is taking place?”

“Of course, I know everything.”

“Then you must absolutely stop the wedding!”

“Why? I cannot accept this man back, no matter what!”

“As you said, Miss, that goes without saying. But the poor girl is about to marry a man who was already promised to another! Think about the shame! Not to mention, you cannot let him get away with this, with such wretched behaviour! No, he cannot succeed, not after what he made your highness go through!”

“You are right, Madame! We cannot let him win! He deserves no happiness! And if the powers of Heaven won’t strike him down, then I will become his personal Hell.”

With these words I left the warm, safe kitchen and ran to the stable, commanded for my horse to be fetched and ready for a long trip and I galloped like the wind.

A break was not an option. Justice awaited no one. I could see the towers of the girl’s villa! The music! I was so close–

“Honey, I’m home!”

“Oh, hi mum…”

My mother’s entrance completely ruined my story. I didn’t even realize how late it was.

“I bought some ice cream! Wanna come eat?”

“Yes, mum…”

“There’s my beautiful girl!”, she said when I entered the kitchen. It was little and dark and nothing like the one in my fantasies.

“Set the table, dear, I’ll prepare the ice cream. Salted caramel with chocolate biscuits, your favorite!”

“How did the court go?”, I asked, no longer being able to contain the question.

“Oh my dear, I’m so sorry. The divorce is final.”

“How?”

“We both share custody of you. He has no restrictions.”

“So when will he visit me?”

“I don’t know, I’m so sorry… That is only up to him.”

There was already nothing left of the warm smell of coffee. The cold air was rushing in from the window I forgot to close, so eager to replace every last bit of comfort. I shouldn’t have opened it… One last time, it was his last time and I didn’t know and now there was nothing left of him but the cold. 

Cold. The wind kept lashing at my face as the horse was galloping and I was so close to crashing the wedding. I quickly made up my mind to enter the villa on my magnificent horse. Upon my entrance I could hear confused shouts and murmurs that were so delightful.

Then I looked down and noticed I accidentally put three spoons on the table.