EXIT INTERVIEW

   Candee Wallace adjusted the lapel microphone clipped to the neckline of her pink silk dress, smoothed its knee-length hem, tapped a fingertip against her left and right false eyelashes to make sure they were securely in place and waited for the most monumental interview of her life to begin.

   The cameraman zoomed in closer; three seconds now. Candee took a deep breath, tilted her head slightly, and beamed her most dazzling smile to the entire world.

   “As you all know, this is an unprecedented television broadcast. Today, before your eyes, I will conduct an interview that will be broadcast for the first time worldwide, live, in real-time.

This unique technology has been granted to us for this interview by today’s guest, an alien being from another planet.” Candee’s usually cheerful large blue eyes were dead serious now as she gave an equally stern nod.

   “That’s right, folks,” she continued. “We here at Best News Now Network were chosen to conduct this interview by our alien visitors from a worldwide pool of news networks offered to them. So here we are on this historical day to finally welcome to Earth an alien visitor who has agreed to answer any questions I might have. As I said before, this interview is being broadcast live; this is not CGI but real.” Candee let her statement sink in momentarily before rising from her beige boucle set chair.

   “For this interview, we will be using a universal translator also provided by our guest so that everyone worldwide can understand our guest in their local language.” Candee gazed directly into the camera for dramatic effect.

   “Without further ado, people of the world, It is my profound pleasure to introduce our guest.” Candee gave a slight bow and held out her right hand in welcome.

   From behind the stage curtain, a very tall, slender being stepped forward and strode across the set stage to take Candee’s outstretched, perfectly manicured hand.

   It resembled a human in almost every way except for its height and the gray-green color of its smooth, featureless torso. It appeared to wear no clothing, or at least no type of clothing that anyone on Earth had ever seen.

   Its head was slightly larger than usual, and its eyes as well, but not the oversized slanted black eyes of the stereotypical extraterrestrial of popular culture. This being’s oversized eyes had a pupil and an iris but were a light opalescent green color that reflected flashes of lavender underneath the studio lights. It appeared to have a normal-looking nose and mouth with evenly spaced, slightly blue-tinted teeth.

   It held Candee’s hand in its large, long-fingered hand and politely bowed to the cameras. Candee motioned to a beige boucle chair that matched her own but was slightly oversized to accommodate the being’s long legs and arms.

   “On behalf of our planet, welcome to Earth,” Candee said, taking a seat and smiling at her guest. She smoothed her already sleek blonde bob and glanced at the small stack of notecards she now held. “Before we begin, what would you like us to call you? What is your name?”

   The alien turned to face the camera lens. “You can call me Dean,”

 It spoke in a pleasantly deep voice with a casual-sounding American midwestern accent. It seemed to display a Mona Lisa-type smile on its face.

   Candee appeared to be shocked for only a beat; she gave her most professional smile and continued. “Well, then, Dean, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” she nodded.

   “May I ask if you are a male or female of your species?” she inquired.

   “Neither one, actually,” Dean answered. “ We really don’t have a set gender.”

   “I see,” Candee said. “I’d like to expand on that question a little later, but for now, could you tell me what brought you to our planet?”

   “Sure,” Dean nodded at the camera. “So, we have actually been here for quite a while now. Like close to two hundred thousand years, give or take.”

   “Really?” Candee spoke, raising one perfectly arched eyebrow. “Why, then, have your species decided to contact us now? Have you contacted human beings before in the period that you have been here? I’m sorry, I seem to be getting ahead of myself, but why have you been here for such a long period of time?”

   “Our planetary studies usually run about 200K, more or less.” Dean nodded. “To answer your question about prior contact, honestly, would you want to plunge yourself face-first into an ant den?”

   Candee stared, entirely at a loss for words for a moment. “Well, I see. All right then,” she fumbled with her stack of cards.

   “That sounds pretty harsh, but you guys are nuts,” Dean said. “Always fighting over piles of dirt as far as we can tell, for two hundred thousand years, Geez.”

   “Is there no such thing as war or conflict among your species?” Candee asked. “And if not, how did your species evolve peacefully?”

   “We got the same instructions from day one, just like you guys. The only difference is we followed the rules; you guys never have.” Dean spoke, raising its palms in the air.

   “Are you speaking of instructions from a higher power? From a God or God himself as we call him in some religions of Earth?” Candee asked, leaning forward.

   “Let’s just say from a higher power,” Dean stated calmly. “I have to be careful what I say here, Whew. I don’t want to start another World War.” It shook its head.

   “Let’s backtrack just a bit,” Candee composed herself. “Why did you initially choose to study our planet?”

   “We choose planetary studies based on whether or not they have emerging intelligent life. If the emerging intelligence seems promising, that is, if we think they might eventually be able to join us in the cosmos, we reveal ourselves, welcome them to the club, give them a hand.”

   “I see, so is that what your species is doing with our planet? Revealing yourselves to welcome us to the cosmos?” she smiled and nodded to the camera.

   “No way,” Dean said, shaking its head. “We revealed ourselves to you to let you know that we have completed our studies, and we’re out of here. We just wanted to clear up the confusion over UAPs or UFOs and let you know our findings, for the record.”

   “If I understand correctly, your species has decided not to help or welcome us at all?”

   “Nope.” Dean shrugged. “We can’t help you; you guys would just use any tech stuff or knowledge we hand over to create weapons for more pile of dirt wars.”

   Candee stared at Dean; her lips pressed into a firm line. “What about medical knowledge? Wouldn’t that be useful to people suffering from incurable diseases? Think of the good that might come of helping us to overcome our worst diseases.”

   Dean shook its head. “ It’s our policy only to help intelligent life we deem worthy of helping.”

   “What are we as human beings to do then? What could we do to make ourselves worthy of help?” Candee asked in frustration.

   “Maybe in another 200K?” Dean shrugged. “ You guys can’t even take care of your planet. You are constantly trying to devise new ways to destroy each other. And the way you treat animals? You guys are messed up.”

   Candee looked down at her stack of cards. “Is it possible that your species might return sometime in the future to check on our progress?”

   “No way.” Dean smiled.

   “Are there other species of intelligent life in the cosmos that might be willing to help humankind in any way, technologically or medically? To give us a boost?” Candee asked, hopefully.

   “Nope,” Dean said, shrugging its large shoulders. “They’ve all come to the same conclusion; you guys are pretty hopeless.”

   Candee sighed and placed her cards face down in her lap. “Well then, Dean, would you tell us where you’re from? What planet did your species originate from?”

   “No, I’m not giving you guys that information. We really don’t want humans visiting us in the future.” Dean smiled and shrugged again.

   “ I see. So you agreed to this interview today to inform humankind that your two hundred thousand-year study is over, that we have failed, and that we have no redeeming qualities as a species?” she stated flatly.

   “That pretty much sums it up,” Dean said, nodding at the camera.

   Candee laid her stack of cards on the oval coffee table between them, folded her hands in her lap, and faced the camera; the sparkle in her eyes transformed into a blank stare.

   “Well, people of Earth, you’ve heard what our historic alien guest, Dean, has had to say. I guess that concludes our interview. On behalf of our Best News Now Network, and planet Earth, I thank Dean for taking the time to be with us today.” she said.

   Dean slowly rose from its chair, bowed toward Candee and the camera lens, and vanished into a sparkling whirlwind of purple light.