Finding Mother

Lily’s mother Grace left when Lily was four. Lily didn’t know where she went. Neither did Lily’s Grandma Meg. Lily never let her grandma see her tears. Grandma scoffed at outward signs of emotion. Grace’s name was never spoken again in the little house they all once shared. A few months after Grace’s departure, Grandma gathered all traces of her daughter - pictures, clothes, a record player and sleeved 45’s – placed them in boxes and, with the help of the next door neighbor’s son, moved them to the cellar. Grandma Meg was soon declared Lily’s legal guardian and demanded that she be called “Mama”.

Mama was an overweight woman who wore modest dresses, sensible shoes and stockings held up by garters that hung from her girdle. Her large breasts would have smothered Lily if she had ever tried to hug her. But Mama was not one for expressing affection - unlike Lily’s mother, whose snuggles Lily desperately craved.

Mama was a stern Methodist who believed spoiling a child was the worst thing a parent could do. She had once longed for a house full of God-fearing children, being careful to instill in them good morals and Godly virtues. After many failed pregnancies, Mama and Grandpa Floyd adopted Grace and promised to treat her as their own. Grandpa died of a heart attack before Grace’s third birthday leaving Meg alone to raise her only child.

There were never acknowledgements for good deeds but always consequences for bad behavior. The first and last time Lily accidentally said “Grandma” instead of “Mama”, Lily was made to stand coatless on the back porch on a November evening repeating “I will obey Mama” until her throat was scratchy and her voice trembled from the cold. Lily wouldn’t cry. A good Christian accepts that punishment is painful but the correction of sinful ways lead to righteousness.

Mama believed the bible was the only guide to proper living. She made Lily memorize verses to be recited upon demand. Lily was given a bible with a pink padded leatherette cover and gold-edged pages. On the inside Mama wrote “For Lily on her 10^th Birthday”. Lily fell asleep reciting her verses.

One Saturday afternoon while sweeping the kitchen, Lily heard Mama shuffling towards her. She entered the room holding the pink bible. “Matthew 7:7”, she commanded. "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek… and, uh”, Lily fumbled. The broom dropped as Mama yanked Lily’s arm and dragged her to the old shed behind the house. Before leaving Lily alone to ponder her wickedness, Mama passed the bible to her and said. “You create your own hell. Now you need to find your way out”.

Lily sat on the dusty floor next to old paint cans, rusty tools, shovels, and mason jars filled with screws and nails. She read her verses and thought about her mother, conjuring up as many memories as she could. Lily and Grace shared a room before she left. It always smelled of perfume and powder. Grace sauntered in after a shower wearing her fluffy bathrobe and her hair in a towel. She took Lily out of her crib and laying on her twin bed, wrapped herself around her baby. “You are my little angel”, Grace whispered.

Some nights after their cuddles, Grace leapt out of bed and turned on her record player. She sang and danced and laughed and Lily shrieked with joy. On these nights Grace dressed in some short paisley-printed dress with white boots that zipped up to her knees. Lily watched as her mother opened and contorted her mouth while swiping mascara on her lashes. She inhaled the hairspray that filled the room after Grace teased her hair. Grace put Lily to bed, and while stroking her soft hair, murmured “sweet dreams, my angel”. Lily never fell asleep until she heard the sound of her mother’s gentle snoring after returning from her night out.

 A few times a year Mama’s older brother, Uncle Frank would arrive unannounced. His breath smelled sour and his soiled clothes reeked of urine and old sweat. His thick white hair was a bit too long and his beard was yellowed. Mama explained to Lily that her brother wasn’t right because his reliance was on the bottle instead of God. He made his own hell and chose to live in it. Mama believed it was her Christian duty to be there when for he asked for help. Frank went straight to the bathroom for a shower and a shave. His dirty clothes were discarded and replaced with one of Grandpa’s Floyds outfits, which Mama kept in her closet. Frank would sleep for hours on the foldout cot in the sewing room. Lily patiently waited for his thunderous snoring to stop then would quickly knocking on the door. Frank welcomed her in and the fun would begin. He taught her old songs like Al Jolson’s “Toot Toot Tootsie goodbye. Toot Toot Tootsie, don't cry”.

Frank sometimes played his harmonica and stomped his feet. Lily clapped her hands and laughed and put her arms around his neck and kissed his freshly shaved cheek. Uncle Frank’s reliance always returned to the booze and Mama would see him out. Lily prayed that he would stop drinking and come back to live with them for good. It sadden her to think of him all alone in the cold as people shunned him with looks of disgust. They didn’t see the hilarious, kindhearted man he really was.

Once Mama caught Lily singing one of the songs she learned from Uncle Frank. “Devil’s music” Mama declared. Lily should be singing the hymns she learned on Sundays. Mama filled the bathtub with cold water. Wearing everything but her shoes, Lily dutifully sat in the frigid water. Using the toilet as a pew, Mama led them in song: “Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty! God in Three Persons, blessed Trinity”.

As Lily got older, she did more of the housework. She especially enjoyed cleaning the sewing room. It was there that she discovered a secret compartment in the sewing table. Inside, along with fabric swatches, spools of thread, thimbles, and Uncle Frank’s harmonica, was an envelope containing a collection of old black and white pictures. Lily carefully pulled out the photos and slowly examined each one. Her favorite was a picture of Mama and Grandpa Floyd. In it, Grampa, young and handsome, wore his shirt sleeves rolled up with a tie, he had on stripped, cuffed pants and fancy two-toned shoes. His right arm was raised with a bottle of Coca-Cola in his hand. He grinned mischievously at the camera with his left arm around Mama’s shoulder. Mama wore a calf-length checkered dress with a matching belt and frilly neck. Her light colored, laced-up, shoes were stylish. Mama’s right hand was wrapped so tightly around Grandpa’s waist that it pulled at the fabric of his shirt. What made this picture so unusually special was Mama’s beaming smile.

Lily was often sent to the cellar to repent for her transgressions, to read her bible and sing her hymns. At first the cellar frightened her with those rickety steps going downward towards the damp, cold room filled with cobwebs, boxes and trunks, broken furniture, stacks of old Life and Saturday Evening Post. Eventually the long hours down there made Lily fearlessly explore. This was where her mother’s belongings were.

Lily found a box containing old toys: baby dolls with frayed dresses, slides from a View Master, and a bright colored spinning top. She wanted to find something she could secretly put aside and keep for her own. That’s when she discovered a child-sized shoebox containing a paper doll set with an assortment of clothes and accessories. Without her clothes, the smiling little blonde wore a white undershirt and ruffled bloomers. Her outfits included a pretty yellow dress with a white bib and puffy sleeves and blue Mary Janes with white socks to match as well as a green and blue plaid skirt with a green sweater and accompanying red shoes with green socks and a green hat. Lily changed her clothes by folding the little flaps around the undressed blonde and thought of her mother’s little fingers.

In another box she found items from her mother’s school days: childish artwork, black and white composition books filled with flowery handwriting, and her high school diploma in a gold frame. Lily’s most cherished finds were the three Shenandoah High School yearbooks. Pictures of Grace filled each book: Grace as a cheerleader wearing a sweater with a big S, a loose skirt and saddles shoes; Grace on the tennis team; Grace in the drama society; Glee Club; and chorus. In her senior yearbook, Grace was voted “Most Likely to Be Famous”. As Lily got older she noticed how much she resembled her mother.

One day, standing in the dairy aisle of the supermarket, Lily notice a pretty lady staring at her. Hiding her discomfort, Lily picked up the milk, dropped it in the buggy and quickly pushed the cart forward. Before she could leave the aisle, she heard “Excuse me, but is your name Lily”? Surprised by the interest in her, Lily acknowledged the kind woman. And right there in the store, Lily learned the story behind her mother’s disappearance.

Sally was Grace’s best friend in high school. When she saw Lily, she was taken aback by the resemblance to her old friend, whom she had not heard from in over 10 years. Lily loved hearing that she looked like her pretty mother. More importantly, she was thankful to be able to speak about her, a forbidden topic at home.

Grace and her mother always had a contentious relationship. But it got worse once Grace started high school. Grace refused to go to church, she started listening to what Meg considered “devil music”, and she stayed out well past her curfew. Sally said that Grace was very spoiled and believed Meg felt guilty for her failure as a mother.

After high school, Meg paid for Grace’s move to New York City to attend acting school. Her dream was be a famous Broadway star and maybe even go to Hollywood. Their high school drama teacher once told Grace she had an”emotional facility for acting”. Sally recalled the time she took the bus to New York to see Grace’s acting debut in an off-off Broadway play in a small theater on McDougal Street. While Grace’s character didn’t have many lines, Sally agreed with Grace that everyone had to start somewhere.

After the show, the two friends went to a popular coffee house not far from the theater. That was where Grace met Todd, a folk musician scheduled to perform later that night. Several months later Grace returned home with her growing belly. Grace actually looked forward to shocking her mother with her unplanned pregnancy. But Sally and Grace were surprised to find that Meg was overjoyed by the arrival of the baby. To Sally, it seemed as if Meg saw this as an opportunity to redeem herself for having been such a bad mother to Grace.

When Lily was a few months old, Grace resumed her late nights out, coming and going as she pleased. From the day Lily came home from the hospital, Meg took on the role of mother – from feedings and diaper changes to bathing and dressing little Lily. Grace always talked about returning to New York City. She missed the excitement of the Greenwich Village scene and, of course, the pursuit of her acting career. Sally never believed she would actually leave her precious baby. But the night before she left, Grace called Sally to tell her that while she loved Lily with every ounce of her being, she didn’t feel she was ready to be a mother. Sally had always believed that Grace would come back to get her daughter once she established herself in the city.

No matter how hard she tried to be a popular, pretty girl like her mother, Lily was always the bullied outcast at school. She was the girl with no parents being raised by an old fat religious nut. Lily joined the drama club but for the class play, she was chosen to be the prop manager, working behind the stage instead of on it. Lily’s lack of athleticism prevented her from making any sports teams. And she was far too self-conscious to consider the cheerleading squad. The one thing Lily possessed was a perfect academic record. Mama reminded Lily that nobody will take care of her but God. Since God gave her intelligence, she was expected to attend a good college and pursue a meaningful career. Lily got accepted into the social work program at New York University receiving every scholarships and grant she applied for. 

During freshman year Lily often walked to Washington Square Park, where the NYU students congregated. Some of her new friends bought little packets of drugs from the shady looking men who circled the park quietly repeating “weed, crack”. It was in the park that Lily noticed all the homeless people, many who looked either stoned or mentally ill. She thought about her Uncle Frank and how she had prayed for him to stop drinking. 

Lily never got involved with drugs or drinking like some of the other students. She focused on school and her part-time job. With the extra money she earned from the administrative work at Catholic Charities, she purchased discount tickets to Broadway shows. She perused the Playbills in hopes of finding her mother’s headshot and bio. Even if she changed her name to something more stage-worthy, she would be able to recognize that beautiful face.

When Lily finished her bachelor’s degree, she continued on at Catholic Charities with a fulltime position helping homeless clients navigate the bureaucratic labyrinth to find homes, jobs, financial assistance, and treatment for substance abuse. Lily dedicated her work to her uncle, who had sadly been found frozen to death behind a dumpster just before she graduated.

While in graduate school, Lily met her future husband at a book store near school. Charlie was working on his MBA at NYU Stern School of Business. From the beginning, Charlie was attentive and thoughtful. He was never shy about expressing his love for her, even in public. This was something Lily had yearned for her whole life. But his affection was met with the cold, emotionless wall Lily had slowly erected since her mother left. The thought of losing him scared her enough to take his threats seriously. She started therapy and worked hard at coming to terms with her childhood.

Even after she and Charlie married, Lily secretly stashed her mother’s paper doll set and yearbooks, telling nobody about their existence. When Lily was alone, she removed the cherished items from their hiding spot, spread them out on her bed and while touching them, recreated the connection with her mother. 

Charlie’s mother tactfully questioned her daughter-in-law about their plans for starting a family. Lily always made up excuses about timing or work. She thought about her mother who hadn’t planned on having a baby and how bad that turned out. She also thought of Mama who so desperately wanted a child of her own.

Charlie got a job at Salomon Brothers in fixed income sales and trading where he became one of their top producers. With his first big bonus, the couple bought an apartment on Central Park South. Lily enjoyed being near the park and the freedom of being outside. And she still had an affinity for the homeless, many who lived in the parks of New York. Unless they appeared outwardly dangerous she would make sure to acknowledge them. Her years of experience taught her how to start a simple conversation. Even a humble smile was all the kindness someone needed.

When Lily was 32 she got a call from the nursing home Mama had moved into years ago. She was told that Mama had passed away in her sleep the night before. She was 92. Lily was able to let herself cry. Once the tears started she was bawling uncontrollably, gasping for air between sobs. A shroud of peace enveloped her.

Next came the closure with her mother. She had seen far too many live shows and long ago stopped her obsessive computer searches. With the help of her therapist, Lily ceremoniously tossed the box of items that had weighed her down for so many years.

Sara was born in 1995. At first Lily was disappointed that Sara looked like Charlie with his slightly hooded eyes. But as the months passed, friends and strangers commented on how much her baby resembled her. 

One afternoon, during a walk in Central Park, Sara became fussy. Lily spotted a nearby bench. On one end sat a lady with messy gray hair and two junk-filled bags at her feet. Because Sara wouldn’t stop crying, Lily sat with the harmless looking lady. Lily took Sara out of the stroller to console her. While Lily rocker her baby, Sara began to smile in the direction of the woman. Lily turned to see her holding an old faded yellow stuffed duck wearing a blue jumper and sailor cap. The lady was making it dance and Sara giggled.

While staring at the yellow duck, Lily noticed one of its plastic eyes missing. A memory so strong took her back to the old house. Grace was yelling at her mother, threatening to leave and take Lily with her. Lily uncharacteristically became so angry, that she pulled the eye off of her favorite stuffed animal: a yellow duck with a blue jumpsuit and sailor hat. She threw the toy against the wall and never saw it again. Soon after, her mother left. After staring at the duck she looked up at the face of the woman with a welcoming face. The lady spoke “I’ve been saving this for her”.