My mom is my biggest enemy

What is love?

1) trusting the other person

2) feeling happy for them if they are unhappy

3) feeling sad for them when they are sad

In short, love is empathy.

What happens in a world when there is no empathy? Selfishness pervades. This is my story where my own mom refused to love me:

My mom was obsessed about my academic performance. I tried very hard to please her, but my grades were never good enough for her. So, she tortured me physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

1) Physical torture: I wasn't allowed to move or talk

She chose to watch my every move like a hawk. My life was restricted to my room. I wasn't allowed to take a break. She used to scream outside the bathroom whenever I used the bathroom. Even the slaves in olden days had some freedom of movement.

I had Stockholm syndrome with her. Like every daughter, I used to relay the things that happened in school. Because she had no empathy, she never cared about my feelings. She used to hurt me by accusing me of not studying. When I denied, she used to try to force a confession out of me. She wanted to give me more hate once I confess. When I endlessly denied, she used to say, "Your heart knows the truth". She never listened to what I was saying as she was so busy accusing me of not studying at school.

2) Emotional torture:

She used to accuse me of the things that I didn't do. Once, she didn't find any money in my wallet. She accused me of watching a movie and hence wasting my time by not studying. Because she never trusted me, she didn't believe me when I said that I ate two ice creams. She threatened me and tried to force a confession out of me. Then she went to the store to verify the cost of ice cream.

Even when one child got better grades than me, she used to torture me. She never believed me when I said that I couldn’t finish the syllabus on time. She used to demand how ABC was able to finish the syllabus on time. She wasn't a top student herself. She got below average grades. Because she lacked empathy, she couldn't put herself in my shoes.

Once, I called my classmate and wished her for her birthday. Mom never forgave me for wasting those 2 minutes. She told my grandparents all kinds of lies about me. She was telling that I wasted time on phone calls.

While I worked very hard, all I had to hear was that I wasn't working hard at all. Normal parents defend their children even when they know that their child is wrong. However, mom was blaming me for the things that weren't even true. She used to not stop there. Because she hated me, she used to bring up things from my childhood.

When my stepfather called me "ugly", she joined him in bullying me. When I reacted, she didn't sleep the whole night. She kept waking me up and yelling at me. That morning, as soon as I woke up, she slapped me. She kept relaying to her parents that I was a horrible person who wouldn't even respect her stepfather long after the incident. At that point, I had already made up with him and started talking normally. She wouldn't let go and repeat the things against me in loop causing my grandparents to also hate me. How was I not talking to my stepfather related to my grades.

3) Psychological torture:

She used to yell at me every single time I opened my mouth. After physically restricting me, using her own imagination to accuse me, and bullying me after comparing me with others, she still wouldn't be satisfied. She used to ask me the same question again and again and yell at me regardless of the answer I gave her.

She chose to believe others' words against me. Once my school principal told her that I had a boyfriend just because he saw a boy's name in my slam book. When I said that that wasn't true, she didn't believe me. She was asking for details about him. When I told her, she said, "So, he is jobless". Why did she want to make the situation as worse as possible when he wasn't even my boyfriend? The conversations with her were endless. There was never a single pleasant conversation with her.

I didn't even know that I had severe childhood trauma. To analyze mom, I had to analyze her parents. My grandparents weren’t great people either. My grandmother was worse. After my patients’ divorce, I relocated to my grandmother’s place. She hated my dad and started seeing me as her enemy. She used me as a punching bag. The change in her behavior traumatized me.

She was constantly looking for reasons to yell at me. She used to try and find faults in me every single time she saw my face. That was not normal behavior. She was a neurotic. For example: I studied so hard and got a 99% in math. My grandmother bullied me that my neighbor got a 100%. Normal human beings will not have the heart to bully someone with a 99%.

Once, I fell from my bike. I was bleeding. My grandmother only cared about the money for the repair instead of my knee. She screamed at me, “That son of a bitch left you with me”. A normal grandmother would be heartbroken if her granddaughter was bleeding.

Once, when I got back home later than usual, she asked why I was late. I said that I went to my teacher’s place to collect the hall ticket. She demanded me to show it. When I refused, she immediately screamed (at my grandfather), “She is lying”. I then went downstairs and brought the ticket. She was answerless but she never apologized to me. First of all, what I did with my time was none of her business. I could understand why she was upset when she thought that she had to pay for my bike repair. However, I wasn’t harming her in any way when I got my hall ticket. Then why was she going outside her way to cause me trouble? She was so desperate to shame me. A normal grandmother will trust her granddaughter. However, my grandmother thought, “If she is lying, I can have some fun time bullying her. I don’t want to waste this chance”.

I understood mom after analyzing my grandmother. However, that was too late. By then my life was completely ruined. Because I was abrasive, I could hardly make friends. I used to get bullied in school. It seems in my 8th grade, I only talked about two topics: one is about my previous school and the other was about my favorite actress. I probably found comfort in these as it was impossible to live peacefully at home. Remember, I was already traumatized by then.

In college, I was obsessed with my first boyfriend. It wasn't love. It was obsession. He was so nice and respectable to me. He was the opposite of mom. However, he was unable to stand my selfishness and left me. I was very jealous of his new girlfriend. I wrote bad things about him and mailed them to her. I had no empathy for either of them. I know I am horrible.

Finally, I left mom and came to America to do my master’s degree in mathematics. But I still couldn't make friends. In attempt to make friends, I met people through online apps. First, I met women. They didn't like me and left me. Then, I met men. I thought that they would do the same thing. However, they were cuddling me, kissing me, and having intense skin to skin contact with me. That was new to me. For a normal girl, sex is nothing, but it meant the world to me. Mom hardly touched me. She constantly made me feel so unwanted. However, these men were making me feel so wanted.

Because I am also a human being, I was developing feelings for them. I hardly had success in maintaining a long-term relationship. I also have a daughter. These men too didn't like me and eventually left me. I can't keep a job as I can't focus. I constantly have racing thoughts about mom. Till now, I have changed 20 jobs.

Now, I feel like a failure. I can't keep a job. I can't maintain a successful relationship. My hate-giving mom took everything away from me. I am very worried about myself and my daughter.