Bitchy Life

Well, they say I should write a story about being grateful. I'm grateful for a lot, more so than most. To whom am I grateful for? Myself, for creating the change and following through on decisions, holding to them and learning to say no to the greater consensus.

Now, on to the story.

I am grateful for:

• Learning to say no, mean it and keep to it. I learned the value of saying no a few years ago and I haven't looked back since. I used to be the "yes" girl. Would you do this for me? Yes. Would you do that for me? Yes. Would you hurt yourself so I can have a payday? Yes. Would you give up everything you ever loved and desperately needed so that we could have extra dollars in our bank account? Yes. However, these yes's were conditional. I was promised when I said these "yes's" that what was taken whether it was family, intellectual property, reputation, privacy or pets would be restored with interest. Well, after the deadline these people set had passed, I realised that the situation was not as stated. It wasn't about we'll do that for you if you do this for us. It was an exploitation, one way street situation. So, I learned to say no. I admit, these people are still asking, but the bottom line is I expended all my energy on them and their wants. I've burned out and can't even meet my own needs. The only person that will meet these needs is myself. The energy they would like me to spend on doing what they want is necessary for me to meet my own needs. It is a choice and I have made myself a priority. Saying no is a necessity now and I will say no for the rest of my life.
• Finding myself. I am grateful for connecting with myself and finding out who I am. I discovered that I was not what other people said I was, especially when I began to compare my inner self and behaviours with what they called me. In fact, these things are at complete opposites to each other. I've fallen in love with the beautiful, kind, generous, honest, loyal human being that I am. If anyone ever started spreading the truth about me, I think I would faint. But, I don't need people to be honest about me to get through in this life because I am the only person who needs to love and accept me, as is, and I already have.
• Being content with my own company. In learning to love and accept myself, I've learned to be comfortable with being with myself. I don't need distractions any longer, such as chemicals or other people, to hide from myself. I've gotten to know myself and found out how truly wonderful I am and I thoroughly enjoy spending quality time with myself. After a life time of pretending to be what other people wanted and pretending to like what other people like and pretending to think how other people think it is a downright relief to forgo all of that, meet myself and being comfortable with myself. It's a blessing and a gift to have this special opportunity that the noise of life and the weight of other peoples projections can no longer drown out my true self.
• Having a relationship with myself. I am the only person I have to live with for the rest of my life. This relationship with myself extends beyond simply being comfortable with myself but encompasses my choice of behaviour. Whatever behaviour I choose to engage in has to be the kind that I can live with. After all, it is my mind and my behaviour will either enhance my conscience or destroy it. I've noticed that when people do things they can't live with, they tend to choose lifestyles that take them away from having a relationship with themselves. Ever notice how many people are glued to their phone? My phone is off 90 percent of the time. Should I specify circumstances further?
• My disabilities. I have physical disabilities, autism, ptsd and anxiety that blows out to extreme panic. I am grateful for each of these because these force me to choose to live a life in accordance with my values. In the beginning, these things allowed me to be exploited, but as I burned out, I discovered myself and I am learning to live my life within my limits. This isn't a bad thing. If I live my life within my limits I am able to live a fuller life. My disabilities now prevent and protect me from doing things out of alignment with myself.
• My kindness. Oddly enough, though I doubt many people realise it, I am an incredibly kind and beautiful, generous human(e) being. For example, I spend a good proportion of my pension on yarn. I do this to crochet things and give things away, whether it is to strangers or to the people that have bullied me, tried to exploit me and lie to me. None of the people I have ever given anything to would ever dare stand up for me or even tell the truth or say nice things about me. They are all very much people stuck in group think and because of the current financial crisis situation would do anything for a dollar, including exploit a vulnerable person. That's okay. It's fun being kind to cruel people because they don't understand my motivation. I love being kind because it releases what I need. And these cruel people, well, they love getting gifts that they don't deserve. I'd love to be on the receiving end of the kindness I've given out. 52 years of compassion returned to me would be marvellous, but that is okay, because I don't need it from others, I only need it from myself.
• Being overlooked. It has come to my attention that there is a large organisation on which most people are a part of. These could be people high up, people down low or anyone in-between. One thing that each of the people on these payroll have is at least some level of narcissism and a willingness to bully a vulnerable person and ignore issues of social justice. The people that are a part of this must be willing to sacrifice their conscience in exchange for money and favours. I used to be angry that I was overlooked to be on this "payroll". I am now grateful they overlooked me because otherwise I would be owned by them, for life. That would have made me a slave. I would have to have my phone on all the time and be fully contactable. I would have to not stand up for the vulnerable. I would have to be willing to do what I am told, when I am told, regardless of my own conscience. I'd kill myself if that was the case. I'm grateful they overlooked me. It means my life has been difficult, but at least I can live with who I am and live with my conscience. That is a gift.

So, there you have it. I'm not grateful for having a family, friends, fortune, fame, job, love, acceptance or any of these temporary and material things. I'm grateful for not having any of these things because it means that there is no leverage on me, I can't be manipulated into doing things or threatened with "we'll take it away from you if you don't do what we want". I'm grateful for not having the things I used to want and I'm grateful for my ability to make choices on both my behaviour and thoughts in my life. It's a privilege and a gift that most people really don't have but they are so distracted that they have no idea they don't have it. That's okay. Not everybody is adapted or suited to my particular level of consciousness or reality and as I like to say - my life is an upwared spiral - and it surely is.