Wilbur

    Saint Wilbur was one of the lost boys. Not one of Peter Pan’s boys, but a boy who was literally lost. How he became lost no one was sure, and if they had to be honest would confess to the fact, they did not care. Many of the people in the town of Jerome were considered to be found, and would have traded their monotonous safety for Wilbur’s condition, gladly.

    Wilbur was not sure why they called him a saint, but when he sought the reason, no one was around, so there was no one to ask. When there were others around, he became distracted by their presence and would fail to ask. It was one of the many experiences he shared daily with no one that was considered to be the reason he was lost.

    It wasn’t until he met Christopher, the custodian at the school, that he realized just because he was different, it did not make him unique. He’d attempted to explain the disparity between unique and different to Christopher, but would lose his train of thought half way through his explanation, and it was just as well, as he also suffered from a rare form of narcolepsy which caused him to fall instantly asleep when bored.

    When you have been diagnosed with a rare form of anything, it added a layer of importance most people who are not lost, would find troubling. Saint Wilbur never gave it a second thought. He was used to being considered vulnerable to highly improbable situations and prognosis that most people had never heard of, therefore immunizing them from the implications that Wilbur internalized daily.

    Wilbur, although impacted by the bombardment of demoralizing prognosis began to recognize the probability that he was doomed to a life of indecision, which resulted in his inability to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes. His retention capacity was twenty times less than that of the average person, which had been documented at three minutes. His attention span, or lack of it, allowed him to conceptualize a situation and forget why or when he was examining the situation, leaving him as though whatever it was he believed happened, never happened. His conclusion brought him back to where he’d begun, making it impossible for him to come to a conclusion about anything. 

    This unique phenomenon was studied by Doctor Algonquin J. Calhoun Esq. He published the results of his studies in the Diabolical Journal of Atheistic Prognosticators. He was awarded the Nobel Jr. Prize for Differential Psychosis. Saint Wilbur’s condition was termed The Einstein Syndrome, which was considered although controversial, ground breaking; also the impetus for a new religion. Einstein Syndrome was the perception of what was considered to be true, was false, and what was considered to be false, true. 

    Wilbur’s case, although falling within expanded parameters of the syndrome because of his attention deficit, gave insight into Wilbur’s inability to make a definitive decisions, as his analysis could never be concluded and therefore truth and fact became one and the same to him. Wilbur’s inability to judge intent made him a prime candidate for the Supreme Court position recently made available by the self-commitment of Alison Whoopi to the Differential Psychosis Institute. The institute was committed to finding a cure for those who believed themselves guilty, before proven innocent.

    Doctor Calhoun himself addicted to self-delusion, a personality-prognosis, couldn’t understand how something could be true when believed false and false when believed true, unless they too suffered from a deviant psychological strain of the Einstein Syndrome. The only way to confirm his delusional self-prognosis was to commit himself thoroughly to the teachings of the Saint Wilbur’s order, which had spontaneously erupted on the corner of Haight and Ashbury in San Francisco, and spread like a cheap manufactured virus to the eastern seaboard within weeks, although the precise amount of time could not be arbitrarily verified.

    “The Book” according to Saint Wilbur’s order, was proclaimed to be the renderings of Wilbur recorded while asleep, by the latest technology developed by the Atheistic Prognosticators group with a grant from Differential Syndrome, a subsidiary of Einstein’s Ghost, a theatrical street performing group headquartered in the Mission District, where street cars were said to be as quiet and unassuming as a lobsters cadaver.

    New religions are often suspect, as many had been formed to avoid taxation without representation. All actually, according to the Enquirer News Media conglomerate, a subsidiary of Mouse House. Nonetheless it was considered by those who believed extraterrestrials were amongst them, and didn’t want to be accused of being on the wrong side of a conspiracy theory.

    In “The Book,” there is a chapter dedicated to truth, lies, and the perception of both and neither, and also the Garden of Eden. None of those assigned to interpret the verses could find a meaning to the unusual alignment of words, until Jose Garcia a technician brought in to deal with the exponentially expanding rodent problem, offered his solution. 

    He of course was disrespected and humiliated until Dr. Pepper, an obscure exchange psychologist from an Icelandic province, who also was dyslexic, began to read the text from the end towards the beginning. Each sentence had to be read from right to left, disregarding all punctuation as it only confused the mood and shortened the cognitive retention span of the interpreters. 

   The interpretation has since been translated into twenty-six languages and an undetermined number of sign-language booklets, as well as digitally induced audio books. A movie has been suggested. It is dependent however upon the new technology of Atheistic Prognosticators, which would encourage watching the movie, but only in reverse.

    Einstein’s Ghost is performing “The Book” digitally, in a virtually spiritual format, from what used to be called the Cow Place in what used to be the tidewater area between San Jose and South San Francisco; now a sinking housing development. 

    Einstein’s Syndrome has had a major effect on the established order of Government’s International. Hundreds of elected officials have been diagnosed as having the syndrome or knowing of someone who might have the syndrome, and have been forced to resign, or be charged with a new amendment to the Constitution known as the Right or Wrong Amendment. It has been unofficially labeled Fact or Fiction by the Wilbur Group, a co-operative investing in new technology dedicated to the revision of the lie detector. In theory the technology would allow the visual projection of the minds conflict over right and wrong, and the determining factors involved; new religions claimed to be at the top of the list, just above truth serum authenticity.

    Saint Wilbur has as yet, even though under a strict regime of “Truth or fiction,” come to understand why his photo is on every bus and taxi in the city. He fortunately never arrives at a reasoned answer as the contemplation of the subject takes more than a few minutes. 

    Wilbur has been offered a role in the new production of Einstein’s Ghost. He will be playing himself as the Supreme Court is in recess for the summer season, and because of unfounded controversial suppositions, possibly the entire year. It has been rumored Wilbur has the ear of the present Supreme Court Chief Justice who has refused to take up the issues surrounding the Right and Wrong Amendment, claimed by Atheistic Prognosticators to be a socialist front for Government’s International.

    Differential Prognosis was invited to respond, but has failed to do so, claiming they are busy developing an anti-crypto serum, but would like to thank all scientists for their devotion to finding a cure for dyslectic innovation.