Chef

The chef on the infomercial prepped for dinner by chopping up vegetables, peeling potatoes, and marinating the meat. He worked like a well-oiled machine. In fact, he was a machine, an AR3M robot. They were the “quirky” ones. The company had gone out of business because the robots were labeled, “Unpredictable,” by the media. With thousands of them in storage, an entrepreneur bought them up and refurbished them, renaming the robots Generation 3 Personal Helpers.

Kevin watched the commercial with real interest, then he looked over at his tasteless microwave dinner. With a sigh, he picked up the phone and made the call.

Kevin Goseman had avoided the robot fad at first. He preferred a life of solitude. When his work schedule became chaotic, he resorted to eating prepared and junk food. His health was suffering. It was then he bought Chef. Chef’s panels were white and glossy, rounded to have a slightly human shape. The neck, elbows, knees, wrists, and ankles all had exposed metal joints. Green eyes that turned red when the robot was computing rounded out the design.

He brought the thing home in a crate and set it up like the instructions said by bolting the arms and legs to the main body. After attaching the head, he laid the chef in the charger and plugged it in.

When he entered the kitchen the next morning, he nearly came out of his skin when a voice said, “Good morning, Mr. Kevin. What can I cook you for breakfast?”

Kevin backed against the wall with his hand covering his racing heart. “You talk!”

“Of course. I’m versed in thirteen different languages, covering the most common ethnic food groups. However, if you have a craving for something outside my repertoire, you can add another ethnic food group for a mere $149.95.”

Kevin stared at the robot for a second. “No, I’m sure thirteen will be just fine.”

“They make me say that. The sales pitch, I mean.”

“Of course, they do.”

“I found your pantry and refrigerator to be sadly lacking in both quantity and quality of food. I would request to go shopping soon to fix the grievous issue.”

“You went through my cupboards?” Kevin shook his head.

“It’s my job.”

“I didn’t know I was supposed to take you shopping.”

“I can upload the data to your computer printer if you like, but the Axioum Company of Seven Pines, California, finds that their customers would rather take the Generation 3 Personal Helper to the grocery store with them. I can push the cart and gather the products on my own while you enjoy a cup of coffee and a Danish from the deli. When you finish, your weekly groceries will be purchased and placed in your vehicle for the ride home.”

“Oh, hmm.”

“Well?” Chef sounded impatient.

“Well, what?”

“What do you want for breakfast?”

“Bacon and eggs. I know I have bacon and eggs in the fridge. I always have bacon and eggs.” He shook his head, Am I really conversing with a robot?

“Coming right up.”

Kevin scratched his head as he headed into the living room. He didn’t know the thing could talk. He wasn’t certain that the Axioum Company of Seven Pines, California had programmed all the quirks out of it yet. Sitting down, he read the news on his computer. Soon Chef was standing next to him. Kevin looked up.

“Your bacon is two days past its expiration date. Do you want me to dispose of it?”

“No, cook it, I’ll take the risk.”

“Expired bacon can grow a bacteria called pediococcus. It can give a sour flavor to bacon when it grows on it. Diarrhea and vomiting are the most common symptoms of eating bacon with this bacteria.”

“Just cook the bacon.” Kevin felt his face redden.

“As you wish.”

Kevin could hear Chef muttering as he walked into the kitchen. “Don’t be short with me for pointing out the possible health issues with your menu choices. I didn’t even mention that bacon is high in saturated fat and cholesterol.”

Kevin tuned him out and went back to the news. A few minutes later, a plate of bacon and eggs was set in front of him.

“I could have added a wonderful glass of orange juice or milk to go along with your breakfast or even tomato juice, but you don’t have any of those.”

“I don’t like tomato juice.”

“Good to know, I just crossed that off my internal grocery list.”

“Black coffee would be fine.”

“Coming right up.”

After breakfast, Kevin dressed for work. “We’ll go shopping tonight.” he said as he left.

Chef nodded.

Susan sneaked up on Kevin and peered over his cubicle wall. “How’s that new robot working out?”

“I don’t know. I’m either going to love it, or there won’t be enough left of the thing for spare parts. It lectured me on bacon this morning.”

“I love my maid robot. I don’t have time to keep the house as clean as I would like it.”

“I eat too much junk food. I’m hoping this will help.”

“Give it some more time. You’ll come around. See you in the morning meeting,” she said as she left.

He waited until she walked away to stand up and glance over the partition at her retreating figure. Nice.

* * *

Kevin sat down in the deli and ordered a milk and Danish while Chef pushed the grocery cart around the store. Other robots were doing the same thing. He read a magazine on his cell phone while he waited. An hour and forty-five minutes later, Chef was standing next to him.

Kevin looked up, “Is there a problem?”

“No, the groceries are in the car. I’m ready to go.”

Kevin’s brow furrowed. “How did you pay for it?”

“I took the liberty of scanning your credit card information into my matrix while you slept during the night.”

“You stole my personal info?” Kevin glared at him.

“I’m considered an appendage of you. I need that data to purchase your food. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“I do mind. You ask me before you do anything of the sort.” Kevin thought for a moment. “I don’t like to use credit cards for groceries, but I can transfer money from my checking account to the credit card. It’ll be alright. Don’t worry.”

“I assure you, I was not worried. It isn’t in my programming.” His eyes flashed red for a second.

When they arrived home, Chef put away the groceries, while Kevin transferred money into his account. A minute later Kevin screamed. “You spent five hundred and sixteen dollars on food?”

“Of course, I did. You had only select grade meat in your refrigerator. I had to dispose of all that and replace it with prime plus. In addition, your pantry needed spices, flour, sugar, and, well, everything. Your wine rack was down to two bottles of the ultra-cheap variety. I now have a good supply of what I need.”

A red-faced Kevin walked into the kitchen. “You spent five hundred and sixteen dollars on groceries?”

“I believe I have adequately justified all of my expenditures.”

“I don’t think so. You will delete all my credit cards from your matrix, and from now on I will be pushing the cart so I can see what you’re putting into it.”

“But…”

“No, buts, that’s final. Delete the credit card info.”

Chef’s eyes turned red, then back to green. “Deleted.”

“Good.”

Kevin stormed away. An hour later, Chef brought him rib eye steak, au gratin potatoes, sautéed vegetables, and red wine for dinner. “Here, Mr. Kevin, is a sample of how you’ll be eating if you allow me to buy the correct ingredients.”

Kevin sliced his steak and slid it in his mouth. Nodding his approval, he said. “Okay, I may have been a little harsh on you. You’re a great cook.”

“Thank you, Mr. Kevin.”

Kevin went to finish up his report for work. He came back into the kitchen and noticed the dishes were still on the table. He looked at Chef, who was standing idly in the corner. “Well?”

“Well, what, Mr. Kevin?”

“Are you going to clean up?”

“I am not equipped with a dish washing module, but it can be purchased for a mere $149.95.”

Kevin shook his head. “From the Axioum Company of Seven Pines, California, right?”

“Exactly.”

“I’ll do it myself. I’m going to have to take out a second mortgage just to pay for food. I can’t afford any add-ons.”

Kevin put the last of the dishes away. He looked around for Chef, but the robot had already retired to his charger for the night. Kevin sighed. Even though it was just a machine, at least it was something to talk to. He hadn’t noticed how lonely he was.

* * *

“Are you going to the morning meeting? You’re going to be late.”

Kevin looked up to see Susan standing there. “I’m excused. I have to finish up the Osterman project. They’ve made a bunch of changes. I have to implement them.”

“Getting along with the robot any better?”

“Robot, that reminds me. I’ll have to call and tell him I’m not coming home until late. I’ll have to grab some fast food. Oh, by the way, did you have to pay for a lot of upgrades to have your maid do basic stuff?”

“No, it came fully equipped, why?”

“Just wondering. Mine says he can’t clean up after meals without a hundred and fifty dollar upgrade.”

“Wow, that’s terrible. The meeting’s starting. I have to go. See you.”

“Bye, Susan.”

As she walked away, he stood up to peek over the wall at her. She turned back suddenly, so he pretended to be stretching. She smiled, then walked away.

Sitting down, he called Chef. “Don’t cook dinner tonight. I’ll be here until late.”

“Today is Wednesday. It’s our weekly shopping trip. Are you going to miss that as well?”

“I’m afraid so. We’ll go out on Thursday. Do you have enough food to get me by until then?”

“Yes, Mr. Kevin.”

Kevin arrived home late. Chef was already in the charger, but there was a note on the counter. “I thought you might want a late-night snack. I left you some hors d'oeuvres in the refrigerator.”

Kevin grabbed the snack and ate it while watching the late news on the television. He wondered how a robot could be so thoughtful.

When Kevin took Chef shopping the next afternoon, they ran into Susan. “I didn’t know you shopped here,” he said.

“Yes, every Thursday. So this is your robot. I’m Susan.” She checked out Chef.

“It is very good to make your acquaintance, Susan. I am Chef, a Generation 3 Personal Helper that can be ordered from the Axioum Company of Seven Pines, California. They make me say that.”

“Nice to meet you, Chef. I already have a robot, though. Miss Bee. I should introduce you sometime.”

“That’s a great idea.” Kevin’s eyes brightened. “Come over to dinner on Friday. You bring Miss Bee. Mine will cook and yours will clean up. It’ll be like going out, only we stay in.”

“Sounds great. What time?”

“Say, six-thirty?” He shrugged.

“I’ll be there,” She smiled.

She walked off. Kevin watched her leave, mumbling something appreciative under his breath.

Chef turned his head slowly to see what Kevin was staring at. Turning around, Kevin asked, “What are you doing?”

“I was doing what you were doing.”

“I’m sneaky and can get away with it. When we both look at the same time, everyone knows what’s going on.”

“If you were so sneaky, how did I know what you were doing?”

Kevin stared at him, then said, “Oh, just shut up, will you?”

“If I shut up, I won’t be able to respond to your request. You will not know if I’ve heard you.”

“Fine, get logical on me. I want an extra special meal for Friday. I need to impress that girl.”

“Of course.”

All day Friday, Kevin looked forward to the dinner with Susan. He was a little worried that Chef was going to mess something up. When he arrived home from work, however, Chef had the table set for a romantic dinner, complete with a tablecloth and silver candlesticks. “I don’t have candlesticks,” he said out loud.

“I borrowed them from your mother. She thought the whole idea of you finally dating someone was so adorable that she came over with them right away. She even supplied the candles to go with them.”

“You called my mother?!” Kevin’s face reddened.

“I took the number from your cellular phone contacts. I was sure you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t want my mother knowing who I’m dating. She’ll get all weird on me again.” Kevin glared.

“Now, you mustn’t get upset before your date. It will ruin your complexion.”

Kevin was thinking of the best way to crush Chef when the doorbell rang.

“Saved by the bell,” Chef said.

Susan and Miss Bee entered the room. Kevin watched as Chef’s eyes turned red for a moment when he spotted the other robot for the first time. Kevin wondered what it meant.

“Such a nice spread,” Susan commented. “Chef, this is Miss Bee.” Miss Bee was black, polished metal, with a lace apron Susan added for effect.

“The pleasure is all mine.” He gave her a slight bow. “Please, Susan and Kevin, have a seat. Dinner will be ready in a matter of moments.”

Chef brought out dinner. “Braised lamb shank with rosemary, a side of wild rice, and asparagus spears.”

“Looks divine,” Susan replied.

“Good job, Chef,” Kevin said.

Chef lit the candles, poured the wine and stood back while playing soothing violin music from his internal speaker.

“Wow, did you pay extra for the romantic module?” Susan asked.

“I didn’t know he had it in him.” Kevin replied.

“Everything’s perfect.” Susan smiled at Kevin.

Dinner went well. Susan and Kevin retired to the living room to watch a movie, leaving Miss Bee to clean up. Chef stayed in the kitchen with her.

Susan sat on the couch and snuggled up to Kevin. He put his arm around her. “Thanks for coming over,” he said.

“We’ll have to do this again tomorrow night.”

“I’d like that.” Kevin pulled her closer.

The movie ended too quickly for Kevin. Soon, he was kissing Susan good night.

After they left, Chef turned to Kevin and said, “That Miss Bee is a hottie tottie.”

He stared in disbelief. “What did you say?”

“That Miss Bee is a hottie tottie.”

“Where would you get something like that?”

“From you.”

Kevin shook his head. “No way, I’ve never said anything like that in my life.”

“Yes, you did. It was Thursday at 5:34 pm while standing outside the grocery store when Susan walked away. You said, “What a hottie tottie.”

“Oh, okay. I remember something like that.”

“That Miss Bee. I love her.”

Kevin’s jaw dropped. “What!? You love her? You’re a robot. You can’t feel love.”

“My circuits are all abuzz when I’m around her. That must mean love.”

Kevin shook his head violently. “This has gone too far. I’m calling the company. I’m going to have you reprogrammed.”

Chef’s eyes turned red for a long time. Kevin ignored him and went to bed.

In the morning, he woke up to a quiet house. Kevin looked around for Chef, but he was nowhere in sight. His phone rang. It was Susan.

“Miss Bee is gone. Is she over there?”

“No, I’m missing Chef too.”

“You don’t suppose they ran away together?”

“I do suppose. He told me he loved her. I yelled and threatened to have him reprogrammed. I think I upset him.”

“Oh, dear. That sounds bad. I must admit, robot love is so cute.”

“Except we’re both out a robot. I’m afraid dinner tonight is going to be canceled.”

“Nonsense, I can cook and you can clean. We’ll make do. I’m coming over. I’ll bring a couple of steaks with me.”

“Sounds great, see you tonight.” After he hung up the phone, he made another call.

When Susan arrived, he helped her find things in the kitchen. Soon they were sitting in front of two sirloin steaks and mashed potatoes. Kevin lit the candles. “I can’t hum violin music like Chef did, but I can sing really badly if you want me to.”

Susan laughed. “No, conversation would be great.”

“I can do that.” He smiled.

Later, while sitting on the couch together, she asked, “Where do you think our robots went? Did they run away to Vegas to get married?”

“They’re on their way back. I called Chef. I had to remind him that his charge was only good for two days, max, and he has an internal locator chip. I did tell him that I wasn’t going to reprogram him if he would return on his own. I would even let him have frequent visits to Miss Bee if that’s all right by you.”

“It’s fine.” She put her arm around him. “Did you really call me a hottie tottie?”

“Um, who told you that?”

“Chef told Miss Bee who told me.”

“I’m going to have to do something with Chef’s privacy settings.”