My Fate

It took a few seconds to realize I was utterly and completely lost. My mind was racing every which way. I couldn’t focus at all. The words on the paper seemed foreign enough to be hieroglyphic from a lost ancient civilization. The fluorescent lights flickered above me. I looked around the room at the other participants taking the exam. None of them seemed confused by their papers. It’s just me. Why is it so hot in here? Sweat trickled down my forehead. I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I could feel my heartbeat in my toes; okay, maybe not my toes. But each beat of my heart felt as if it would break through my chest. Calm down. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to refocus on the problem at hand. You’ve got this. I opened my eyes. Shit. Hieroglyphics again. Why does this always happen? I closed my eyes again, this time taking multiple deep breaths.

I opened my eyes to what looked like a brand-new piece of paper. Words. Actual words formed on the paper this time. Okay. Focus.

The test seemed to last forever. Every time the hieroglyphics reappeared, I had to refocus myself, which became far too often then I cared to admit. Long, deep breaths were the only relief I could get. It began to take more and more, deeper and deeper breaths to refocus myself as time passed by. The pressure was unsurmountable. Everything I had worked for was leading to this magical packet of papers that seemed to change from hieroglyphic images to real words in conjunction with my train of thought.

“Time’s Up!” The proctor practically shouted. All of the participants had finished and left the room. I was the unlucky receiver of the annoyed test proctor’s exclamation. I disappointedly put my pen down, and stood up to turn in my test. I expected to feel some sort of relief, but the disappointment overwhelmed my senses.

Later, I entered my car, unable to hold back my emotions any longer, I let the tears flow. All of my hopes and dreams surged out of me. I knew I had ruined my chances of aggrandizing my life, my future. It’s over. That chance had slipped through my fingers.

The days were long as I waited for the official results, although I knew it was foolish to allow myself to hope. I didn’t believe I was a fool, so I swatted any hopeful thought away. However, I still wondered how far off I was from passing the test, so the waiting was dreadful, and the hope still crept in.

I tried to go on about every day as normal as possible. I tried to focus all my energy onto something else, anything else. But the thoughts relentlessly tortured me. Every other thought seemed to be wondering about the test. It was driving me crazy. I drove everyone around me crazy. “Are you okay? Your shirt is backwards.” Beth, my best friend, asked about a week after I took the test.

“I don’t think so, I’m on the struggle bus.” I answered as I looked down to confirm her observation. “My mind has just gone crazy waiting for the results of my test.”

“Girl, you need to take a chill pill.” She laughed. “It’s okay. If you fail, just take it again.”

Now it was my turn to laugh. “ Do you know how much it costs to take the exam? It took me six months of working overtime to afford to take it. I don’t think I could afford it again. Plus, I would lose my scholarship.”

“You’re too serious about all this.” She shook her head.

Three days later, my sister assisted me in finding my lost contact. It fell off my shaking fingers onto the ground below. I had one contact in my eye already which made my vision uneven. I had one eye closed, hair in curlers, crawling on the bathroom floor when she walked into my apartment. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I dropped the dang contact, can you help?” She found it in a mere couple of seconds. I washed it off in the contact solution before I put it back in.

“You are such a mess lately.” She said as she watched from the doorway.

“My nerves are shot waiting on the test results.”

“I never understood you and that test.”

“It’s my way out,” I explained. “Do you know how many people never escape the economic social class they were born into? If I pass, I could be in the minority.”

“Is it really so bad being one of us?” She asked, clearly offended.

“No,” I began. “But I could help out mom and dad. I could create more stability for the entire family.”

“That’s not your job.”

“It’s not, not my job.” I laughed. “If I want to help my family out, why stop me?” She rolled her eyes and walked away.

A few hours later, my phone rang. My boyfriend’s handsome face popped up on the phone. “Hi, baby.”

“Hey, beautiful. What are you doing?” He said, coolly.

“I’m getting ready for work and trying not to think too much about my test.”

“Again, with the test?” He asked. “I thought it was over, but you’re still thinking about nothing else.”

“I know, I know. I’m going crazy. After I get my results, I hope I’ll be less annoying about it.”

“Me too,” he answered. “So you want to come over tonight?”

“I can’t, “ I explained. “I’m going in for an overtime shift.”

“Again?” He asked. “You already paid for that damn test.”

“Yeah, but a little extra money doesn't hurt.” I laughed.

“You never have time for me anymore,” he said, his voice hurt. “You’re always studying or working.”

“I'm sorry. You know how important this is for me. It's been my dream since I was six.”

“You’re grown now. You said you failed. It's time for a new dream, babe,” he said. “I don’t mean to sound like an ass, but I want you to be real with yourself.”

“I know. Thank you.”

The next day, he blocked my text messages. He warned me beforehand.

Him: If you say one more thing about that damn test, I am going to block you for the rest of the day.

Me: I’m sorry, I’m just nervous. I am trying to be patient, but it's difficult. I just wish I knew for sure, ya know?

Blocked.

He unblocked me the next day, but I learned my lesson. Any time I caught myself mentioning the test, I would delete the message before I pressed send. Everyone around me had enough of my worry. Even me.

Finally, two weeks after the fateful day, a letter arrived from the school. I took a deep breath. My hands shook as I carried it inside. I sat down on the couch, but I didn’t open it. I couldn’t. The realization that the answer to my future lay within the envelope. At this moment, with its contents still a mystery, I could still picture myself completing all my dreams. As soon as I opened the envelope, it would all be over. No more dream.

I’m not sure how long I sat there, trying to work up the courage to open it. My phone rang, but I couldn’t answer it. I couldn’t hide my emotions from whoever was on the other end.

Finally, I took a deep breath and tore the envelope open. I pulled the letter out, unfolded it and read my fate.