Till Death Do Us Part

This story is sexually suggestive

“Who is it?”

“Me.”

“Wait a minute, I just got out of the shower. Oh, thank god it’s you! Oh Rudi, champagne? You shouldn’t have. But I’m glad you did—we need to celebrate tonight.”

“Congratulations, Renée baby! You’re out of danger—not just from your twisted husband, but from the law.”

“Oh darling, you’ve been my rock through all of this.”

“Don’t cry, I just said you’re safe now. Nothing to worry about. It’s you and me from here on out.”

“I’m running into the kitchen to open this and get some champagne glasses. Sit down, sit down!”

“Living room or bedroom?”

“Living room. How about we see if we can do it in every room of this house tonight?”

“Um, I know you always say that I have special powers, but even I probably couldn’t do that. What is this, ten bedrooms?”

“Twelve. Not to mention the kitchen, screening room, two offices, den, wine storage room, study, dining room, and breakfast room. I don’t even know what that adds up to. Wait a minute, I’ll be right there.”

“I’m waiting.”

“Ta-da! Let’s have a toast. First, to us—Rudi and Renée—our love. Next, to freedom!”

“I like the sound of that. Rudi and Renée. A love that will last forever.”

“Till death do us part, baby! Now scoot over. I want to put my feet up on your lap. Give me a foot massage, pleeease? And have some more champagne.”

“Anything for you, my love.”

“Ohhhh, that’s wonderful. You’re going to be my personal masseur from now on. Mmmmm. Don’t stop…oh, that’s it, those arches…oh, baby! Would you please hand me the champagne? Thanks. Some for me, some for you.

Oh, my, my, my. Is this massage getting to be a little too exciting for you? Widdle man in your pants wants to come out to play? Aw, don’t worry, widdle man. I’m going to treat you sooo good. Big Rudi needs to take pants off now.”

“What, here?”

“Yes here. Let me help you. Untie shoelaces, take off shoes, socks. Unbuckle belt, take off pants. Uh-oh, where’s widdle man? Oh, still hiding in those whitey-tighties. C’mere widdle Rudi. There you are! No, leave the shirt on. I love a man in a uniform!”

“Ohmygod, Renée, you’re unbelievable. Ohhhhhhh! Yeah, baby!”

“I want to do it right here. On the coffee table.”

“What? Isn’t that cold marble going to be uncomfortable for you?”

“I want to do it right here where my husband died. I was so happy when he bought this marble coffee table. The first thing I thought was that it was the perfect prop for an unfortunate accident. Ohhh Rudi, yes! Don’t stop.”

“Ohhh Renée!”

“Rudi!”

“Ohhh Renée, oh yeah!”

“Rudi! Baby, you’re my hero! You saved me from the ogre!”

“Renée...You drive me crazy…I can’t get enough of you! Ohhhhhh!”

“Ohhhhhh, baby!”

“Phew! Wow, I really needed that.”

“Oh, look what you did. Now I have to take a shower again. Want to come with me? Just a quick one?”

“Okay.

You’re so beautiful. I don’t deserve you.”

“Sure you do. Every princess needs her knight, every knight needs his princess. Just think, I was married to that monster for ten years. He didn’t let me out by myself. I couldn’t have a job. He wouldn’t give me any money. He picked out all my clothes. Ugh. I really hate thinking about him. And then you came along and saved me from my abuser.”

“I’m going to protect you from now on, Renée. You won’t have to worry about anything.”

“Follow me. We can use one of the guest rooms tonight. I don’t want to be around his things or those memories. I’m going to run back to the kitchen to make some cocktails for us. There’s a guest bathrobe for you in the closet. Get comfy and I’ll be back.”

“Wow, you brought the whole bar cart with you.”

“I don’t really know what you like. I’m having a gin and tonic, but I thought I’d let you order a drink and I’ll make it for you.”

“I’m pretty boring. I’ll have some of that Johnny Walker Black Label, neat.”

“That’s not boring. Guess what? My dead husband paid over $600 for this bottle. It’s their centennial celebration bottle.”

“Great. Give me some of that $600 Scotch.”

“This bed is pretty comfortable, right? While I’m still up, do you need anything else?”

“No, come sit by me in bed.”

“Wow, baby. I can’t believe you and I met only two months ago. At Norm’s Restaurant! How crazy is that!”

“Well, you can always count on seeing cops at Norm’s in the morning because they give us free coffee. I’d never seen you before, and when our eyes met, it was like a jolt of electricity.”

“I know, right? Want to know the truth? After that first time, I tried to stop in when I knew you’d be there. And then there was that time when I left my phone, and you found it for me. I was so grateful to you when you brought it back to me.”

“Oh, baby, I was so grateful to you for the way you expressed gratitude to me that day.”

“It was meant to be.”

“Fate.”

“Here, let me refresh your drink.”

“I’m getting a bit toasted, with this on top of the champagne.”

“So? You can relax for one night with your soulmate. You don’t have to work tomorrow. Would you turn off the light, Rudi? It’s on your side.”

“Right. You know? I feel like I’m in the middle of a beautiful dream. Meeting you, both of us falling in love, and now we’re together. It’s a fairy tale.”

“No, it’s reality. This is us now. C’mere Rudi. Where’s widdle Rudi?”

“Oh, little Rudi may be snoozing. He’ll be up and at’em tomorrow morning.”

“But I want him now! Just one more time, please?”

“Well, I can try, but I’m not guaranteeing anything.”

“I’ll be right back. I have something useful.

Okay, widdle Rudi—I have your vitamins!”

“What’s this?”

“Special blue pills. It’s generic Viagra.”

“Oh. I’ve never tried that before.”

“Please? I want to play some more. Please?”

“Alright. Can you hand me a glass of water?”

“Okay. Here’s the glass of water, got it? Now here are two pills. You take both of them. It should take about twenty minutes or less to take effect.”

“Okay, I took them.”

“Let’s relax for a few minutes, then. I’m thinking of how helpful you were, when you hit him again with that paperweight and helped me clean up the evidence.

I made a phone call this afternoon and moved all the money over to my new foreign account. My damn step kids can have this house and the boat.

Everything’s perfect, but I’m concerned because there’s still a loose end that could trip me in the future.

Rudi? Are you listening? Honey, are you asleep? Maybe I should turn on the light. Rudi? Oh my. Let me look at that medication again. Uh-oh, I meant to give you Viagra, but instead I gave you an overdose of fentanyl. This is funny, isn’t it Rudi? I must be prone to accidents around this house.

Let’s have one last toast. Raise your glass to freedom!”