Solitary confinement

You know what, I quit, everything, period. I’m burnt out, so I quit. I quit everything. It’s not because you did anything, it’s just. No, I’m not angry. I know I made a commitment, but I didn’t sign anything. I’m under no legal obligation to . . . But I need to . . . I haven’t slept in five days. I quit. How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Do you want to trade places? I’m in too many clubs and I don’t know which to drop because everyone’s counting on me, but . . .

Yes, I know. What about the organizations where it’s only me and one other person in the club? Then they’ll go under, the group will go under. I should care but I don’t. Remember the shit on the airplane with the oxygen mask. Mine has to come first. Me. I need rest. Go over the list of obligations again. Why? I’ve been to an infinity of shrinks who all told me to drop things so fuck it, I’m dropping everything, including the goddamn useless shrinks. In fact, not sure why I’m talking to you. My sponsor said to start saying no to people so no, we’re done talking. Will I start new programs after my rest? No. I don’t know. Maybe. Rest. I’m just taking a sleep. A nap. A nap sleep. No dog, no kids, no significant other, got an IRA, I’m good.

I don’t have to do anything, ever. Solitary confinement, here we come. Hallelujah. Groceries at 3 am, self check out, make lists of shit I need. Little things. No cleaning, minimal cooking, unless I enjoy it. But, I’m not falling into that trap either. Wouldn’t it be fun to . . . Play the organ. Then, hey, let’s play the organ at church, the n it becomes, it’s 2 am, fuck, I have to practice the organ for church. Son-of-a-bitch. No more hobbies. Isolation. Friends become it’s Friday, I have to call Harry. Solidarity confinement here I come. No obligations. Deleted all emails, social media, I don’t need or want anything but a bed, a bathroom, toiletries, food, simplicity.

No, don’t want jail. A lot of tv and talk in jails. Timed showers. I want long , warm jacuzzi baths alone. I don’t have a jacuzzi, but I could buy one from a catalog or call someone before I go into solitary confinement. What if I need a plumber or I change my mind? I don’t know. Right now, this is the plan and I like it. No job, no performance, me relaxing. No answering dumb questions. No fixing, no building, no shaving, just going oh natural. Close the blinds, shut the lights, no TV, radio, computer, or phone. The only phone I want is a rotary phone. Just kidding. Toilet paper, soap, if I want to. Cannot shower for months, if I don’t want to. I’m going to be in total control of my life. Freedom for everything and everyone.

Just think . . . No, don’t think. Keep my mind blank. Not reading or listening to mindfulness meditations, just keeping a blank mind because it’s what I want to do. Not because they want it. Damn it. Stop thinking, Brain. Breathe but don’t make it into a chore. Wait, maybe don’t breathe. Or don’t breathe consciously. If i don’t breathe, I’ll die. Damn it, I’m thinking again. Have to think about how not think. No. Fuck. Just breathe. Ok.

Focus on my . . . No, don’t focus. Do. Wait. No, I don’t. Simplicity, not complexity. Don’t have anything I have to do so I can think normal, breath normal, and be normal like people used to be. No security codes, no volunteering, no nothing. The only two things I’m doing are R & R, not the railroad. I’m going to sleep now, that’ll help me stop thinking. Can’t sleep and think at the same time. Dream, REM, R & R, no think.

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Feels lonely at night. No, it’s day. I don’t want anyone, remember? No dog, no woman, because she’ll need me to do something with her. They’ll need me to play with them. I can go everywhere in this house in my birthday suit. No one’s needing me to take them out to go potty or out to eat or out anywhere. No one needs me and I don’t need anyone except the supermarket. Get everything through the mail. Remember the song, “I’m an island “. Don’t have to have a billion idiots ask me “how are you” every day. Peace, quiet, rest. Solitary confinement.

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They say if a baby is left alone too long it will die, even if given nutrition. But will a baby survive if surrounded by cacophony 24/7. No one knows. The baby’s the one who causes the cacophony. But, there is no homeostasis in the world because of negative feedback. Not negativity, negative feedback. Like if you set the thermostat in your home to -144 degrees Fahrenheit, it would never be exactly - 144 degrees Fahrenheit. It would be at -150 degrees Fahrenheit, then the air conditioning would kick in until it got to -130 degrees Fahrenheit, and it keeps correcting itself. Isolation, socialization, but I’m happy right now, alone , looking like a mountain man.

So, I’ll go in this direction, but don’t think I’ll change. Hobbits are hard to break. It’s not a typo. The cops, ambulance, firefighters. None of them matter. Still pay taxes, but so what? New technology will come out, but I don’t care. The technology is good, but hearing people go on about it isn’t. Don’t want to watch news or any TV. Don’t want to do anything. Yet. But . . . This is where the story cusp occurs, right? Or maybe it’s anticlimactic? Maybe. Or maybe it’s a flat story. Maybe a lemon? Maybe no one will ever read this. So, what? I don’t fucking care. I just don’t want anything to do with anyone. I hate consciousness. I hate Earth. I’m not suicidal, I just don’t want Planet Earth.