"Me Too"

This story mentions different types of abuse, self-harm, and speaks about mental health.

“Speak now,” I thought to myself. I took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled, then opened my eyes. I was standing on a small stage with stage lights pointing down on me, encircling my being. My sweaty palms held a microphone. I looked around me, noticing “TEDx Talks” written on the wall to my side, and an audience glaring at me, waiting for me to get it together and start. “Umm hello everybody, welcome to my TED Talk. I appreciate you for coming in today to listen to my story”. As I continued to introduce myself, I felt my confidence building. “Today I want to share a story about a girl who I used to know. She went through many hardships, persevered, and in the end, found a way to slowly find herself again. It is a story of sadness and hope”. 

I paused for a moment, cleared my throat, and began to reveal my unspoken words.

“There was a girl I used to know. She was kind, caring, innocent, and absolutely adored animals. For a time, she was free. She expressed the true person inside of her without a care in the world. Unfortunately, after having to move to another state due to a parental job change, that free little girl became insecure and felt unsafe. The dynamics of her household shifted negatively. Her parents fought more frequently and at times, would witness these arguments turn physical. Eventually the anger she witnessed became rage that she and her younger brother experienced. Out of elder sisterly love, she did whatever she could to protect her younger sibling, however, it was not always possible. Every incident she could not prevent, she felt like a failure. The helplessness for not being able to control the situation ate away at her soul. In defense, hypervigilance arose, as she needed to be alert for the next possible moment of danger”.

“On the outside, she put on a fake smile and maintained a happy appearance, alternatively, inside was an ocean of inner turmoil and fear. As she aged, she became chained to the difficulties in her life, which did not resolve. In fact, they only worsened after enduring sexual abuse by a neighbor. Which she never spoke a word about for many years. Each wound festered. For a while, she managed to withstand each blow and temporarily suture her wounds shut, however, overtime her defenses lost their sturdiness. Each blow began tipping her over ever so slightly more”. 

I took a moment to look around at the audience; assessing their expressions through their nonverbal communication. Was the audience intrigued and engaged or did they look bored? The audience appeared interested; I continued to speak on. 

“Even with an impaired defense system, she persisted, as she was not the type to ‘just give up’. It was important for her to show her strength and perseverance to others, as she wanted to set a good example for those around. She wanted people to know that she was someone safe to trust, someone who could help”. 

“Unbeknownst to her, several demons crept their way in, engulfing every part of her. Random bouts of crying became a daily routine. She lost interest in most of her hobbies and started to withdraw from those around her. She could not understand why she felt the way she did, she just wanted to make it go away. One day she realized that if she inflicted her own pain, then the inner turmoil hurt a little bit less. Physical pain was less painful than the mental pain. With her worsening depression, she ate less and less, and eventually she realized that avoiding food numbed out some of the pain too. Sadly, she almost starved herself to death on several occasions and admitted to the hospital on multiple times during her teen and young adult years”. 

“Despite all circumstances, she earned her bachelor’s degree in nursing, and passed the NCLEX (licensing exam). Caring for the mentally and/or physically injured, was a passion of hers. She used her past negative and hurtful experiences to drive her empathetic and compassionate care, as she did not want others to suffer the same anguish as she had. She chose to work in one of the most stressful environments, the emergency department. That was where she felt like she could make the most diverse impact”.

“Now, understand that nursing is not for the faint of heart. Chaos in the emergency department always exists and no matter how strong the nurse is, the constant suffering of other people will break them too. Even if they do not outwardly show it”.

 “Even with the regular life circumstances on top of her childhood pain and trauma, she still chose to ignore her own pain. She failed to take care of herself. She only focused on caring for others. Characteristically, she poured and poured and poured from a very empty cup, never allowing it to refill just a little. After almost eight years working as a nurse in the emergency department, her fragile mind and body broke down catastrophically. She no longer had the ability to persevere. She was too vulnerable; her inner demons fully consumed her life. Each demon had a name, depression, anxiety, addiction, trauma, and Anorexia Nervosa. These inner demons took everything valuable from her, leaving nothing left but the inner demons themselves”. 

“Her addiction caused her to lose her nursing license, her home, and her purpose in life. For a long time, she let this bring her down. One day a spark ignited inside her. She realized that she had her dog and her family to live for, and although she could not help people through nursing, she could help reduce the mental health stigma by sharing her own experiences. But before she could help anyone else, she knew she needed to help herself first. She admitted herself to a detox center, then once again, admitted herself into a hospital program for her eating disorder. Finally, she began to see a light shining at the end of the tunnel. On her way towards that light, she knew it was time to write a book, a book that would reduce the mental health stigma and also help hundreds of people by sharing her own story”.

I stood in silence, mostly for dramatic effect, but also because I was nervous to share the last part with the audience. Deep breath in, deep breath out. One guy in the front miserably failed to sneeze quietly. It almost sounded like an elephant trumpeting. I giggled inside a little bit, which gave me the push I needed to finish the story. 

“She was strong, courageous, and persevered; however, she was vulnerable.

She poured out all of her compassion and empathy onto others, yet could not give any to herself.

She felt lost, insecure, and broken inside. She tried not to let it stop her, but she failed.

This girl needed love and compassion from others.

This girl needed to be gentle and kind toward herself.

This girl needed to learn to ask for and accept help.

This girl is me”. 

I thanked everyone again for listening to my story then lowered my microphone as people began to clap. I stepped off the small stage with a smile on my face, as it felt like a large weight lifted off my shoulder.

*Note- the book mentioned is “Weightless: Healing from an Eating Disorder” and can be found on Amazon.