Cheep Cheep and the Soccer Socks Incident

The worst part was, it was leaking. Turning the carpet under my bed into a puddle the size of a swimming pool. Which, yeah, I’d begged Dad to build one this summer, but in like, I don’t know, the backyard? At least my room was above the bathroom. Can you imagine the questions if the solid “drip, drip, drip” started pelting my parents in the face while they lay in bed? 

“Don’t worry Mom, just a little monster. Looks like a baby, really. Why is it sitting in a puddle of its own excrement? Gee, I don’t know. Is it sweat? Is it drool?” 

I took a sniff. Pee. It was definitely pee. 

“Come on little guy,” I had to crouch waaaay down to get a look at the thing. It had two gigantic eyes, oh HELLO, make that three. What, the third eye was in the place of its nose? Where did the thing breath out of? It blinked all three of its eyes.

“Why don’t you come out and we’ll find your, uh, mommy.” Man, that stench. It let out a little “chhiirrrrp, cheep, cheep,” and waddled its way over. The thing was no bigger than my hand, really. But there was no way I was picking it up, its skin looked viscous, its three giant eyes taking up so much of its body I was pretty sure if I put a hand on it I’d be squishing eyeball. 

“Here, let’s just…” I reached behind me for my slipper, and motioned for the thing to crawl inside. Another blink of those giant eyes. 

“Cheep, cheep,”

“Yeah I don’t speak “cheep, cheep,” so I’ll…errgh, oh gosh,” I used the bottom of my t-shirt to wrap around my hand and transfer baby monster into the shoe. The slime seeped through the cotton. I held back a gag. Seemed rude. Especially since I was almost 100% certain this was my fault. I mean, I’d had a pair of soccer socks under there for a good month and while no, I’d never seen a sock monster made without felt and googly eyes, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised. Those things had stank. And then, they’d sort of… stopped stinking and looked…fuzzier then usual.

Cheep was eyeing the fluorescent yellow bag of Flaming Hot Funyuns on my desk. 

“Bro, those things are way too spicy for you. My dog ate some once. Next thing you know, he was vomiting red, semi-digested Funyuns all over the backseat of the car. I got in big trouble for that one. After I convinced Mom he wasn’t barfing up his insides”  Cheep was squirming so hard, the slipper almost leapt out of my hand. 

“Chillax, I got it.” I went over to retrieve the Funyuns, “When the craving hits, it hits. Just go easy on them, 'kay?”

Cheep went gaga over the Funyuns, reaching out an arm the diameter of a #2 pencil to snatch the bag from my fingers. But it was not the snack he was after. Nope. In fact, he poured out the bright red crispies onto my carpet and then sucked down the bag with the world’s worst slurping noise into a tiny hole hidden at the bottom of all those eyeballs.

“That is the singular most disturbing thing I have ever seen.”  

What was I supposed to do with it now? I had a puddle of pee the size of Lake Michigan under my bed and a bag-load of Funyuns on the floor by my desk.  

“Any way you can sit tight while I…” I mean, the wet vac was in the garage but vacuuming in the middle of the night was not—

Cheep lifted his skinny arms and the Funyuns rose into the air, coalesced into three towers, and landed right beside my math homework. 

“Cool, cool, thanks. I can work with that. What about under here?” I leaned down so he could see under the bed. Again with the levitating, this time the yellowish liquid rising in drops and hovering in mid-air. They paused. Cheep looked at me. 

“Oh! Oh, yeah just…” I ran to open the door to the bathroom, threw back the toilet lid, the slipper still in my left hand, “In here works.”  

The pee floated across the room to the open door and funneled directly into the toilet. I hit the flusher.

“Wow you really saved me here my man. If I had another chip bag it would be all yours.”

It started purring like the world’s ugliest cat and sure enough Cheep was asleep in my slipper. It was still night, an early 2:04 am. I could probably put the monster in the backyard and hope it just…called to its people.  Tunneled away. Climbed a tree ? ? ?

“Right-o here we go,” I put the slipper down so I could stuff myself into a hoodie and pulled out a pair of sneakers from the closet. I’d have to sneak down the stairs, which should go alright since my Dad snored like an entire train going by. Yep, there it was, as soon as I cracked open my door. That noise made its own breeze it was so loud. I grabbed the slipper and Cheep almost looked cute with its massive eyes closed and its big lids twitching, its tiny monster snores. 

The stairs went good, the screen door stuck and I had to yank it a little harder than usual, but still all clear. I put the slipper down on the concrete, a few inches from the grass and backed up. The branches shook in the breeze, and —

Wait.

That was not a breeze. 

That was a —

CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP 

One spindly arm the length of a broomstick reached down and scooped the slipper up between its two fingers and blinked at me with three, massive, veiny eyes. The Mom, Dad— Aunt? Grandpa? Proceeded to lift out Cheep and then EAT MY SLIPPER before walking sideways up the fence on its overly long arms. Baby monster was clinging cheerfully to big monster’s shoulder. It threw me a little wave. 

That was my cue. Back upstairs, shoes off, under the covers. Wait— I had to check. Yep. Those soccer socks were gone. Man, what a night. And while I was thinking about it, I really hope Dad got around to building that swimming pool next year.