Darkness meets Light

The darkness is spreading again, it is surrounding and crowding. There is no escaping the darkness. It comes in many forms. It can be thoughts, choices, mistakes, memories and sometimes people. It clouds the mind, it numbs the body. Voices in the mind saying truths and speaking lies, they will the darkness to come again to invade the safe space. Happiness and joy seem so far away when the darkness invades, people say mean things and it lets the darkness grow. Things don’t go as planned and the darkness creeps back in. Random memories pop up and let the darkness stay longer….

She was sitting on her bedroom floor staring blankly at the wall, another family trip ending in tears instead of laughter. She didn’t know why she kept going, she always knew how it would end, but she wanted to believe it would be different. She thought it would be fun, a great memory to have. The trip always starts out fine and fun then something happens, a disagreement or a fight. Fights over nothing, but seem like everything. Disagreements about what to eat or where to go or what do to then words get said and feelings get hurt. She got blamed for it this time, which wasn’t new; she was getting blamed for a lot of stuff lately. She was blamed for her parent’s divorce, for her brother dropping out of school and her sister running away. So she just sat in her room alone staring at the wall in the darkness letting it sink into her, letting it consume her.  

Things seem to get better to go better, and then it all comes crashing down again. She was told she is unwanted. Her mother told her she can’t stand her. Her siblings talk about her, calling her names. Calling her a mistake and annoying; saying their parents didn’t want her. Her family does things without her, they don’t invite her places. Sure family gatherings, but not day trips or vacations. They even forget her birthday or not even mention it. These entire things make the darkness come, all these things make the darkness linger.

Death of a loved one is tough for anyone but for her it makes the darkness even darker. To know she will not ever see that person again, the person who understood her most and was by her side through it all and who always took up for her. The person who taught her about love and growth and let her believe the darkness would fade, that person is gone now. She sits in her room again, door locked, curtains closed shut, and she allows the darkness to engulf her. She embraces it, she lets it come. She doesn’t care if it takes her. She lets the memories wash over her as the tears flow.

Just as she starts to get happy to be happy another loss is thrust upon her. She found someone to love her, to be with her. They were happy, engaged and planning ahead. Then she learned the truth about him, about whom and what he was. He was a monster, a part of the darkness in human form. He made fun of her, told her lies, made her believe she wasn’t good enough. He would then make it seem like everything was her fault. He was a cheater, abuser and liar. She finally saw through it though, finally saw what he was. She left him; left his darkness but it broke her in a new way. All her trust and love was broken and once again her darkness surrounded her. This darkness nagged at her, telling her she wasn’t good enough for anyone, that no one would ever love her, ever want to be with her.

Then something amazing happened she found light in the darkness. When things seemed lost and out of control she found someone better. Together they made light. She noticed the light the first time when she saw the two pink lines, pure happiness. The light only seemed to grow brighter and brighter each day. Yes, she did have moments when the darkness tried to creep back in, but then she remembered what she was carrying. She remembered the light growing inside and pushed the darkness away.

Each new day brought more light, each little kick and movement made the light shine more. Along the way there was some scares, some days of doubt but she didn’t let the darkness in she didn’t let the darkness win. She become dehydrated and had to be rushed to the hospital, she was scared, afraid the darkness would come back. Afraid to be alone again with the darkness and that it would take over again. Then she heard a heartbeat other than her own and light spread through her and around her, giving her hope and purpose.

The biggest brightest light came later when she heard a cry and a new baby was placed in her arms. The baby looked at her, eyes wide and she knew the darkness wouldn’t stay long again. The doubters still came, said she couldn’t do it on her own. They said she would fail and let the darkness back in. She didn’t care what they said for she had found something better and brighter. She had hope and joy and it was wrapped up in a little pink blanket.

Every day the light grew more and more. Each new smile, laugh, and moment brought more light and joy into her life. She had ups and downs, struggles and specialized visits from doctors but everything turned out fine. The darkness dared not come and show up again, the light was so bright and shone so far that the darkness feared the light. It tried to wiggle its way back in, but the new found light was too strong.  

The darkness still tries to come and dwell within her, but all she has to do is look towards the light that is the smile, laugh, hug, and joy of her child.