Mother, Unavailable™ — Deluxe Edition

Mother, Unavailable™ — Deluxe Edition

Brand: Family Systems Inc.

Color: Frosted

Price: All your self-worth

📦What's in the Box:

One "maternal figure"*

Lifetime supply of second-guessing

*Maternal qualities not guaranteed

✨ Key Features:

Self-centered processor

Built-in tendency to reroute all conversations back to the model’s experiences. Attempts by the user to share emotions may result in diversion, deflection, or defensive maneuvers.

Model functions best when spotlight remains firmly on her.

Pre-installed “Well” Voice Pack

Designed with a rich repository of emotionally ambiguous statements perfect for gaslighting the user into gratitude.

Signature catchphrases include:

“Well, you were always so difficult.”

“Well, it was harder when I was your age.”

“Well, that’s not what I said.”

“Well, I did my best.”

“Well, you turned out fine, didn’t you?”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

“Well, that’s not my fault.”

Guilt Feedback Loop™

Default feature optimized to ensure even the most innocuous decisions– what to wear, who to date, whether to call on holidays - send the user into a spiral of self-doubt and uncertainty.

Seamlessly compatible with Inner Critic: Unlimited Edition™.

CoolTouch Exterior*

Engineered for minimal affection. Brief flashes of warmth available through legacy stories (usually involving photos from the user’s childhood or public compliments), not direct experience.

*Not available for all models. In fact, for some older models, touch function is disabled entirely.

Generational Trauma Transmission Port

Automatically installed with every Mother, Unavailable™ model!

Connects effortlessly to the user’s identity, coping mechanisms, and choice of romantic partners. Typically runs unnoticed until it is too late and usually requires professional assistance to disconnect.

Can be overridden manually by the user with therapy, journaling, aggressive boundary setting and occasional instances of screaming into a pillow.

🎉 Bonus features special to the Deluxe version:

Memory Rewriter Tool

Allows the model to recall events with surprising flexibility, recasting herself as the victim or hero, depending on the circumstance.

User recollections to the contrary may be dismissed with “Well, that’s not how it happened” or “Well, you’re just being dramatic.”

Obligation Ping Alert

Regularly emits passive-aggressive reminders that the user “never calls” or “never visits.”

Expect increased frequency around birthdays, holidays, or moments of personal success.

Love Language Mismatch Engine

Programmed to love the user on the model’s terms, in the only way the model knows how—which may not resemble the user’s definition of love at all.

Often runs conflicting subroutines like “sacrifice” and “critique,” producing confusion and chronic yearning for the user.

Unmet Expectations Manager™

Delivers real-time reminders that the user has not, and will never, live up to the model’s hidden standards and expectations. Integrates seamlessly with internalized shame and perfectionism, available through Inner Critic: Unlimited Edition™.

Triggers especially, but not only, during moments of rest, success, or joy.

Silent Treatment Mode

Activates unpredictably in response to boundary-setting, differing opinions, or perceived slights.

Can last hours, days, or entire holidays.

Warning: Silence may masquerade as “not wanting to make things worse.”

Legacy Comparison Scanner

Continuously compares the user to more “acceptable” versions of itself—or others.

Often misidentifies the user’s growth as rebellion or selfishness.

Can be paused by eye rolls, sarcasm, or deep breathing exercises.

Selective Nostalgia Lens

Replays curated, sanitized memories that cast the model in a flattering light.

Often skips over emotional absences, inappropriate reactions, or confusing contradictions.

Emotional Availability Sensor (Beta)

May appear functional during times of crisis but shuts down in response to routine emotional needs.

Emits vague praise in front of strangers and extremely specific and targeted criticisms in private.

Actual Emotional Support sold separately.

🎉 Bonus Downloads:

Pre-loaded. Installation not required.

• The “Well, other people had it worse” expansion pack. Featuring tone-deaf commentary from members of the extended family who are only familiar with versions of events developed by the model through the Memory Rewriter Tool.

• The “Well, at least she stayed” rationalizer. An extension of the “Other people had it worse” expansion pack.

• The “Remember, you’ll miss her when she’s gone” viral loop. Runs in the background and cannot be disabled despite taking up a lot of space and serving no helpful purpose.

🎙️ User Reviews:

⭐☆☆☆☆

"Always felt like I was the problem. Would give zero stars if I could."

– Verified Daughter

⭐⭐☆☆☆

"Does the job, but barely."

– Eldest Child

⭐⭐⭐☆☆

“Mixed signals. Sometimes kind, mostly confusing. Still waiting for clarity.”

– Middle Child

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

"Did the best she could with what she had."

– Grandchild, age 4

🔧 Troubleshooting:

Problem: Model never says, “I love you."

Solution: Try listening between the lines of options available in the “Well” Voice Pack. This is all the model has to offer.

Problem: Model expresses care only through criticism.

Solution: This is a legacy feature. Attempts to uninstall may result in emotional shutdown or cold silence. Workaround: Reframe criticism as flawed affection—until you are strong enough to say, “That’s not helpful.”

Problem: I am repeating the model’s patterns

Solution: Run CycleBreaker.exe, requires active connection to vulnerability and inner child.

💡 Pro Tip:

Users who become parents often report sudden downloads of unexpected compassion and empathy.

Many install the Forgiveness Patch but forget to uninstall ResentmentArchive.

The user can run both, but it will slow the system down.

Special note for users opting to uninstall ResentmentArchive: remember, choosing to heal is not an act of betrayal. It's a system update.

🔗 Related Products:

Father, Absentee™ — rarely in stock. Also (rarely) available as Father, Emotionally Distant™ or Dad, Physically Present, Mentally Elsewhere™.

Inner Critic: Unlimited Edition — included free with every Mother, Unavailable™ unit. Difficult to disable.

TherapistBot: Talk-It-Out™ — monthly subscription required. May require multiple versions to achieve full compatibility.

🫂 Final Note:

You cannot return Mother, Unavailable™.

You did not choose her specs, her firmware, or the outdated emotional operating system she runs on. But you can learn to live with the parts she gave you—and build better ones for yourself by rewriting the code she left behind.

And while you may not have gotten the mother you needed, you are allowed—truly, fully, and without apology—to become the version of yourself who offers warmth, care, and safety to the child inside. Some things skip a generation, but healing doesn’t have to.

This product is faulty by design.

You are not.