Beyond the Bottle

‘"Because it's right," George says to himself.

"Since when have you ever known what's right!?" the voice in George's head retorts. "Since when have you ever been good or right about anything?"

"I'm not going to sit here and have another argument with myself," George thinks.

It had been three weeks since George gave up drinking. It wasn't bothering him; he had never been a heavy drinker. Not even really a social drinker, just a few drinks on the weekend to mark the end of the working week. That's how George had always seen it: a way to de-stress. But soon after, the little voice in his head started its ascent, growing bolder and more insistent with each passing day. It wasn't an audible "human" voice, or even his own. It was just his internal thoughts, only for some reason, his internal thoughts rarely thought in the same direction.

Now that George was thinking more clearly, the "not himself thought" had become more vocal and disagreeable, leading to daily "arguments." This battle between George and... George had been raging quietly for years, but he had always been able to distract himself by staying busy and having weekend drinks. The worry George faced now is that by not suppressing the other George, it might take over completely, leaving him a passenger in his own brain.

January 28th. Ashima.

George woke up with a headache that occupied the back right of his head and radiated to the middle. It felt unusual; he remembered headaches back in his drinking days, but nothing quite like this. He went to the kitchen for ibuprofen. "No," his internal voice said.

"No, why?" George thought.

"You don't need it. You're fine," the "voice" said.

"I just want to shift this headache," George thought. He took two ibuprofen and a paracetamol.

"Why don't you ever listen to me?" the voice said.

"Because you don't actually know what's good for me," George thought. "What's good for ME, you mean us? We are one brain," the internal thought insisted.

The word Ashima popped into George's mind. He didn't know where it came from, but he liked its sound. He took the pain meds. "For now on, I'm going to think of you as 'Ashima', my little distracting evil thought," George thought to himself.

"Evil, is that what you think I am? You put everything in terms of good and evil, right and wrong. I'm just another part of you, George, one you've neglected and ignored. We were once thinking as one when we were children, but over the years, you decided I wasn't useful to survive in the world you thought we lived in, and you shut me up," Ashima said. "You have no more currency in good or bad, right or wrong than I do. I am simply trying to wake you up to the fact that we lost our way. With the drinking and actively trying to suppress who you are because you thought you weren't good enough."

"I never drank that much," George thought, why do I keep telling myself that?

"It's not about the drinking," Ashima said. "It's about your total reluctance to be who you are."

"Well, who am I then?" George said aloud. "Because I can't remember."

George left his flat to get fresh air and escape another never-ending argument with himself. The headache had worsened, and he thought a cold January walk would help, and give him a distraction from Ashima.

As he walked down the small street towards town, he couldn't pick his eyes up from the floor. He physically couldn't. He was thinking about turning back before getting hit by a car or walking into someone, when just that happened. George walked straight into an old colleague, Gary. They both apologized, and George started to turn back until Gary said:

"Hey, wait, is that George? How the devil are you? It's been, what, eight months? Everyone at work has been asking about you. We all thought you'd taken another job."

"No," said George. "Just been sorting a few things out in my head."

"For eight weeks!" exclaimed Gary.

"Yeah, I suppose so, if that's how long it's been," George said, never taking his eyes off the floor.

"He doesn't know you," Ashima hissed. "He only recognizes your physical form."

"Heading to the pub?" Gary asked.

“Oh, no, I actually haven’t drank in awhile” said George looking shifty and nervous that somehow Gary could see into his brain and would know “know what” George thought, “that you’re not who they think you are” said Ashima

“Then who do you want me to be” thought George

“It’s not about who I want you to be, or who they think you are, it’s about who you ARE” said Ashima

“Well fuck” thought George

“Pint?” said Gary looking confused  “you just sort of drifted away for a bit there mate, you ok?”

“He doesn’t care” Ashima chimed in

“No, No honestly I’m fine” said George

“You just sort of, ‘getting to know yourself’ and all that shit yeah?” said Gary with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“Yeah sure” George said, as he turned to walk away.

“I’ll tell the boss you’ll be back on Monday then?” said Gary.

George’s headache intensified, as he took another step the ground beneath his feet felt unstable, George stumbled, and tried to reach out to stop himself falling but there was nothing to support him.

January 29^th

“Don’t try to move for a while” a soft voice came through to George “You took a hard fall Mr Garland, you’ll need some rest, and soon we’ll have to send you through for an MRI”

George looked around feeling dizzy and ethereal. George wondered where he was, he felt his head and could feel a tight clothe wrapped slightly sticky band around his forehead, bringing his hand down he saw blood on his fingertips. George felt empty and cold.

“Would you like a drink?” asked the soft voice

“NO!” said Ashima

“No! Thank you“ said George, having flashbacks to his conversation with Gary.

“Just a hot cup of tea, you were near-hypothermic when Gary brought you in” the soft voice responded calmly.

“Gary brought me in from the cold!?” George said.

The nurse lent in and fixed eyes with George, he didn’t look away. Her eyes were calm and friendly; she had a look of understanding that seemed to go beyond the current situation.

“We all come in from the cold eventually” she said slowly and with meaning to George, without breaking her gaze.

“I can’t believe Gary brought me in” said George  “he doesn’t know me”

“He said you were co-workers George” she retorted “I’m sure he cares about you”.

“No he doesn’t“ Ashima said

“Are you doing ok George” the nurse said looking into Georges eyes again “you look like your uncomfortable, you’ve got a big frown across face” she smiled.

“Just thinking” George said

“Don’t worry about the MRI George, it’s a very straight forward painless procedure, all you have to worry about is lying very still.” She said

“I can do that” George said

“I think they’ll be ready for you soon, do you want me to call anyone for you? Friends or family?” she asked “Gary said he would wait, but we had to keep you in overnight for observation so I think he’s gone now, we can book a taxi for you when you if you need”

“Yes” said George “please”

“To which love? Friends, family or taxi?  She said

“Taxi” George responded, he could feel a tear well up in his right eye.

MRI

George was laid down on the MRI gurney and slowly moved into position, his head was in a padded head restraint, a set of heavy earmuffs were placed over his ears with a headphones for the MRI operator to communicate with him.

“How’re you doing Mr Garland?” a voice came through the headphones

“Fine” said George

“Please avoid moving or talking Mr Garland” the voice said

“Dick” said Ashima, George restrained the urges to say “ok” but a smile began to come over his face.

“You may hear some loud noises during the scan Mr Garland but don’t panic” said the voice though the headphones.

“Ok?” George thinks

BBBZZZT THUNK DE THUNK DE CLONK

“WHAT ARE THEY DOING!”Ashima screamed “They’re going to see!?”

“See what?” thought George

“See what’s inside your brain, see all the things you hide from the world, and I won’t be able to protect you when they do!” said Ashima

“I don’t hide anything from the world” George thought perplexed

“I do though for both of us, I hide our weakness, our stupidity, our fear” Ashima said sternly “I’ve been doing it since we were 9 and Billy Tophin pushed us down the stairs and said we were so stupid we wouldn’t be able to find our way back up. I protected us from all the anger and hatred you had, from it spilling over into the world so I directed it back at us,. Then you started drinking to manage me, stop me from hurting us. And it worked, for a while, until it stopped me being able to help direct you and give you guidance and support when you needed it and you became lost”

“I didn’t become lost, I had a job and I had a flat” George said angrily “I didn’t need you to protect me you needed me”

The headache had reached an agonising level and George couldn’t cope anymore “Let me out” George said insistently

“We’ve just got 20 more minutes” the voice said through the headphones “just stay calm, we can pause for a break if you wish”

“NO“ George shouted “I’m done”

January 30^th

George was back in his flat in bed, he had been lying there all day.

“I’m sorry” George thought

“I’m sorry” Ashima thought

January 31^st

ZZZZTT

George’s doorbell buzzed, George stumbled out of bed, before he could get to the door a loud thud thud thud shook the doorframe.

“They’re here” Ashima said with a sinister tone

George felt like he’d been drinking heavily for day, his head was pounding and he could barely control his legs.

“I’ll be right there” George asserted

“Mr Garland please open the Door, this is the police”

George panickedly pulled his trousers on and opened the door

“Hello Mr Garland” A Man dressed in a full police uniform and hat was standing in front of him. “We’ve been informed that you were involved in an altercation at St Mary’s hospital two days,. Don’t worry, we’re not going to arrest you right now, we’ve spoken to staff at the hospital, and we’ve been informed that you may have been suffering from some type of head injury. Now although these facts don’t excuse your behaviour it does go some way to explaining them but we will need to see you at a later date to enforce court attendance” The man said quickly and with a slightly embarrassed tone.

“I don’t remember anything” George said.

“well that’s as well as may be Mr Garland, but we will have to go through proper procedure, two people were injured and by the looks of things you’ll need to answer for that, memory or not” the officer said

Just that moment Georges phone rang.

BBRRZZTTTT BBRRZZTTTT

“Hello”

“Hello Mr Garland, this is Dr Fitzgerald, Consultant neurologist at St Mary’s hospital, we have some results of your incomplete MRI, if you’ve got a minute I’d like a chance to discuss them with you.” The voice said

“Not Right Now” George shouted “I’m a bit busy”

“Mr Garland can we talk about an appropriate time for you to join us for the court hearing” the large policeman said from the doorway.

“No” George said solemnly

“Mr Garland? Do you have a minute?” George could hear coming from his phone that was still in his hand.

George hung up the phone. Walked towards the policeman, and slowly and calmly shut the door. I’m going to bed, George thought.

Laying there in his cold room with the lights off, George thought to himself, “how did it come to this? All I wanted was to take a bit of time out, stop drinking for awhile, eat healthily and reconnect with myself.

George looked at his phone ‘1 new text message’

‘Hello Mr Garland this is Geoff, I got your number from Gary, I hope you’re doing ok. Please come in to see me at work tomorrow we’ll need to discuss a few things around your extended leave of absence. Cheers’

“Fuck” thought George and tried to fall asleep

“It’s going to be ok” said Ashima “we’ll be ok, I’ll be ok”

“I’ll be ok” thought George

“Thank you Ashima” thought George “Thank you ASHIMA!” No response, of course there wouldn’t be any response you’re just thinking to yourself. And George fell into the deepest sleep he’d had for months.

February 1^st

George work up feeling comfortable and happy., “I might go for a walk around the park” thought George “anything to say about that Ashima”? nothing

“I don’t like being totally alone in here” George thought “You’ll never be alone as long as you have a mind, you’ll always have thoughts. And so long as you don’t ignore those thoughts or overthink thoughts that make you feel worse, or dwell on the negative thoughts you have for others or yourself, we’ll always be together as one and we’ll solve problems together not make problems for each other and for the rest of time neither of us will be alone or frightened or sad”

George set off into the park not knowing what the future would bring but feeling excited nonetheless, let’s get a drink.

The End