Late Night Thoughts

Tuesday, April 3, 10:54 PM

I thought staring up at the ceiling would help. Maybe counting to 1,000 to tire my brain out? Or maybe tossing and turning, trying time find a comfortable position to lay in.

None of it helped.

I don’t even know what’s bothering me. I just can’t sleep. It’s been happening for the past couple days.

So I decided to just write about my thoughts as they pass through my head. I don’t know what I’ll write or if I’ll offend anyone, but it’s not like someone’s going to see this. It’s my property. It’s my notebook, and some random person wasn’t going to break into my room and steal it. Who cares about the thoughts of a fifteen year old anyway?

I certainly didn’t, and they were my own thought.

I’m assuming this has worked because I’m already a little tired. I’ll just play some classical music. That bores me to death, so I’ll be out within a couple minutes.

xoxo, Alex

Wednesday, April 4, 11:34

I can’t sleep. Again. And this seemed to work last time so... yeah.

It’s not like there’s any drama at school. I have great friends and we stay away from the popular kids. But maybe it’s just that. It’s my friends.

I prefer the company of books and music over my friends and family. Books are an escape from reality and they allow me to explore a whole new world. And music takes my mind off of just about anything. Certain songs and artists for certain moods. For instance, if I want to kill someone, I listen to LeATHERMØUTH. It calms me down. Or if I want to cry, I can listen to ‘Desert Song’ by My Chemical Romance. The decisions are endless.

A lot of people have been saved by My Chemical Romance. A lot stop cutting or any type of self-harm because of them. I get why, but I don’t understand why people cut in the first place. It is because it evens out the emotional pain with physical pain? What about inflicting pain upon yourself is addicting?

I can’t say I don’t know what it’s like to self-harm. I just don’t use a knife. Paper clips hurt a lot because it burns the skin before slowly opening it, tearing off layer by layer. I’m too scared to cut.

But I never instood my own motives behind self-harm. I just want to understand.

Great, I’ve made myself cry. This is probably for the best. It’ll be easier to fall asleep.

xoxo, Alex

Thursday, April 5, 10:32 PM

I found out that Penney Prep, the band, is pretty cool I’ve never listened to them, but today I did. I’m listening to them right now, in fact.

I don’t believe I have true friends. All they do is ask me to send them the answers to homework assignment in the classes we have the same teachers. And even when we don’t, they send me the homework and ask me if I get it and if I do, to give them the answer. I think today I’ll tell them no. They can’t always rely on me to give them the answer. I’m my own person and I have enough on my hands.

This is precisely why I prefer books over people. The book never asks for homework answer, the book never pressures me, the book doesn’t constantly ask if I’m okay. It tells me a wonderful story about others. And, last of all, it isn’t annoying. Books don’t go on and on for hours on end.

Anyway, I’ve been prescribed Melatonin. I only tried it today and I must admit, I’m already sleepy. I hope it works out, because I can’t stand being given detention for falling asleep in class. It wasn’t my fault I was unable to sleep.

I’m tired. I think I’ll go to sleep.

xoxo, Alex

Saturday, April 7, 10:46 PM

Religion. That’s important for a lot of people. They believe in God and Jesus and Satan and Heaven and Hell. They know what they believe in, but I don’t.

I believe in God, yes, but I do not believe he created the universe in six days and he rested on the seventh. I do not believe Jesus was the son of God and was able to walk on water or make a blind man see again. I believe Jesus was a real person, yes, but I only believe he was a prophet. He held influence, but he wasn’t the son of a deity.

I don’t believe in Satan. Well, in a way I believe there is a devil. The devil inside you. I believe that is the only devil. That devil comes with demons and tears apart your mind. But you can battle the demons, and you can win against the devil. It’s all in your head.

And I don’t believe in Heaven in Hell as places. I believe they are states of mind. I believe they are the people around you. Someone can be your Heaven, but they can also be your Hell. Your thoughts can be your solace, but they can also be your downfall.

Heaven is every bird that sings in the morning, every beaming smile the sun shines down on you. Hell is the worry of not knowing what’s to come in life, the darkness that envelops your mind when you go rigid with fear.

Other people may believe that because they go to church and pray every day, they will go to Heaven. It’s not that simple, or it shouldn’t be in my mind. Everyone has done something bad in their lives, so everyone should experience Hell. Everyone has experienced Heaven and Hell in different ways throughout their lives awake, but once asleep your soul wonders through the world aimlessly. Either guilt drowns you, pain and remorse and overwhelming guilt, or a sense of peace. There is no in between.

It felt so good to write all that down, you have no idea. My parents don’t want to hear it, my brother doesn’t really care, and, like I mentioned earlier, I prefer books over my friends so there’s no way I’d let them see part of who I truly was.

Anyway, writing all that down definitely took a lot out of my mind. I’m actually tired now. The Melatonin has been working for the past couple night and it’s starting to take effect right now.

xoxo, Alex

Monday, April 9, 9:22 PM

The Melatonin is working magic. I wasn’t expecting it to work, but hey. What do I know?

This will probably be the last time I write in this notebook. It isn’t very long, but it doesn’t have to be. At least it helped me fall asleep at night.

I fell like I owe it to this notebook to state a few things about myself though. So I’ll just start with basics.

My name is Alex Winter. I’m fifteen years old, and I live in Oakland, CA. I like My Chemical Romance, Green Day, All Time Low, 30 Seconds to Mars, and other types of bands like them. I like to draw and write lyrics on my walls in my room. I play guitar, piano, and violin.

And since this is my last time writing in this, I will say that I do know why I myself self-harmed. I can’t speak for anyone else though.

’So long and goodnight.’

xoxo, Alex