You Don't Know Me

**This story contains discussion of miscarriage.

When we came together it was like I'd finally stopped fighting against the current. It was easy, natural. Tension I didn't even know I'd been carrying fled my body. Her own body melded into mine like a puzzle piece, my other half finally fitting into place. I sighed and held her flush against me, burying my nose into her hair breathing her in.

After a long moment she pulled back and put both hands on my chest. I looked into her big blue eyes, sparkling with uncertainty and wanted to chase it away, so I leaned down and slowly captured her lips in the ghost of a kiss. She pushed into me hesitantly returning my efforts, her hand slipped to the back of my neck where it always had, her fingers pushing into my hair.

"Welcome home, love," I breathed into her mouth.

It was the wrong thing. She pushed me away and put her hand to her mouth like she was horrified by what we'd done. She backed into the garden bed, stumbling over the brick border.

"I need to get out of here," she said.

I stared at her retreating form in shock. Her hands were balled into fists at her sides, curls bouncing. All feelings of comfort and home gone leaving me cold and hollow. No, I couldn't do this again.

“Anna!” My feet hit the pavement as I chased after her like I should have done four years ago. “Please, stop running from me.”

Maybe something came through in my voice because, miraculously, she stopped there in the middle of the sidewalk. I caught up to her, but she didn’t turn around. The distance between us felt like a physical wall I’d have to actually climb, like we weren’t kissing five minutes ago. The memory of the kiss, of all the kisses we’d ever shared, echoed through my skull, reverberating through time leading me to this moment. I lifted my hand, but then she turned to face me.

“I shouldn’t have come here.” Her voice broke like glass even though she’d pulled her face into an indifferent mask. “If I'd known you were here I wouldn’t have.”

“But you stayed,” I said. “You could have left.” It was true. Staying was her choice. I held onto that like a lifeline.

“That was a mistake.”

I studied her face, the hard line of her jaw, the shadow behind her blue eyes. This stoic woman was someone she’d painted on over the Anna I’d known who was passionate and had worn every one of her emotions on her sleeve. I’d seen glimpses of her over the last few weeks. Like she was coming back to life.

“What if it wasn’t?” It came out barely a whisper. “What if this is where we’re meant to be?”

“This isn’t a fairy tale, Luke. This is real life.”

I reached for her, but she took a step backwards.

“I’m not going back to Chicago,” I said, realizing suddenly it was true. “I belong here, and so do you.”

“No.”

“Oh come on, Anna. If you can’t be truthful with me at least be truthful with yourself. What we’ve been doing hasn’t been living.” I stepped forward, closing the gap between us and cupped her face in my hand. Warmth coursed through me pleasantly at the contact. She was home. I'd been so stupid. “Tell me you don’t feel that and I’ll let you go.”

Her face crumpled finally showing me something of herself. A tear escaped her eye. I wiped it away with my thumb. My heart beat like a hammer against my sternum.

“I’m not who you think I am,” She took my hand and pushed it away from her, eyes pleading with me for something I didn't understand.

“Tell me then. Who are you?”

She pulled in a shuddering breath. I couldn’t imagine what she could tell me that would change my mind about her, this woman who’d seen me at my darkest and saw me through to the light. I pushed her away with my own stupidity, and now we were together again. Why couldn't she see it? It was my turn to lead her out of the dark, into the sunlight where would shine again. I needed to see the sparkle in her eyes, hear her laughter.

“When I left Chicago I was pregnant.”

The words hit me like she’d punched me in the gut. I floundered for something, anything to say and came up empty.

The story poured out of her like a river busting through a damn. “When I got back to New York I knew something was wrong, but I thought I was depressed. It was Suki who made me take a test and handled everything. I convinced myself you hated me and the pregnancy would make it worse because you would have wanted to be honorable and marry me and we'd both me miserable. I kept imagining all the rumors and horrible things people would say. All those people you chose over me. I couldn’t breath.”

“What happened to the . . .” I couldn’t force the word out of my mouth. Obviously she didn’t have it or maybe there was a a child out there somewhere with black hair and big blue eyes. My arms hung limply at my sides while I watched her fold in on herself, crossing her arms over her chest and bowing her head.

“When I went to the doctor, they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was thirteen weeks. I sat on the couch after the D&C and stared at your name on my phone for hours, but I never could bring myself to call. I’m so sorry.”

I pictured her alone and terrified going through all that while I tried dating Vanessa and felt stick to my stomach. “Anna- "

“Right, so now you know. I don’t deserve this.” She gestured at the town around us, the bay, me. “You deserve better. I left you, lied to you, and kept secrets because I’m selfish. I deserve to be alone. Do you understand now?”

She turned and ran from me, and I let her go like the idiot I was.