The Kingside Diner

Julia was waiting for me at the Kingside Diner. We had told each other we would be there at ten o’clock this morning. I was late, intentionally on my behalf as usual. Passing the diner to make sure she had arrived first. I had parked my car and was walking east on Lindell Boulevard towards Euclide Avenue I was finishing up a phone call with a dear friend.

“Have you made up your mind?” the voice on the other side of the phone asked me.

“Yes.” I lied.

How could I have known what to do? I loved Julia, but the relationship had turned recently. It had been over a year since we had last seen each other. Since our lips had touched. a year without her in my immediate life and I was uncertain how much longer I could take it. After this meeting, when would we possibly see each other again?

“Well let me know how it goes.”

“I will,” I said, hanging up my phone.

I turned to the front doors of the diner, the oak doors could not have been more than five years old yet they were treated to look as old as the city was. I could see Julia inside through the large windows that covered the front of the diner. She looked up and our eyes met.

She was seated at a four-person table near the bar. I walked over to her and we hugged. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I sat across the table from her.

“I’ve missed you,” she said looking into my eyes.

“I’ve missed you, too.” Looking down at the menu. I was not hungry nor could I really stomach a meal right now. I ordered an Americano to drink. Julia ordered a latte.

“How was the drive?” she asked.

“Not terrible. I got in last night and stayed with Daniel, it was good to see him.”

“Oh how wonderful,” her eyes widened “how are he and Anna doing? I haven’t seen them for ages!”

“They aren’t together anymore. It’s all a real mess.” I said, still unable to look into her eyes. I focused on anything and everything around the room. The other partons enjoying their brunch with mimosas and bloody marys.

“Is that who you were talking to on the phone?” she perked.

“Yes.”

I felt the tension between us stretch thinner and thinner with each passing minute. Unspoken words left unsaid creating a cavern between us and everyone else in the diner. Our table was small but it felt that the space between us crossed the Mississippi. Our waiter brought our coffee. We both took sips followed by a long pause. The espresso in the americano was bitter to the taste but went down smoothly. I looked up at Julia.

“How are you liking it here?” I asked.

“Oh, I love it!” she said with hope-filled eyes. The eyes I have longed for yet could not maintain contact with.

“The people are so kind and my new job has been so exciting. I feel like I can really settle down here.”

My heart wrenched. Settle down. How long would I have to continue to hear these words that hold no weight? She did not even know how the mention of it is a dagger into my old and weary heart. But her eyes, held only sincerity, her tone of voice filled with inspiration.

“How’s Knoxville?” she asked.

“It’s actually amazing. I have really fallen in love with the city.”

“What parts?”

“Well, the main draw, for me at least, is that it is this in-between space.”

“How do you mean?”

“It is neither just city nor wilderness. It has both, it is progressive and conservative, it is trendy and dated all at the same time. Knoxville seems to be where the past, present, and future are meeting.”

“You could say that about many cities.”

“Which ones?” I asked.

“Well, this one. St. Louis has all of that to offer.”

“It is a fine town. But I could never see myself living here.” I said as I took another sip of the americano. It had cooled off quickly and was even more bitter than it had been before.

“I love it here,” she started “my family is here, my life is here. I’ve been running from it for a long time but I think I’m really coming into my own.” She smiled.

I said nothing. Grinned, exhaled softly, and took another sip. It was clear that we were heading in two different directions. It had been for years. Our life goals were completely at odds, yet our hearts were completely twisted together. I had never loved another so deeply than her. The thought of her by my side was often the only glimmer of hope that I held onto in this world. A year without seeing her shook me to the deepest aspects of my being. It was a year of hell for me. And she was coming into her own.

Had I slunk into co-dependency without even realizing it? Were my affections and desires reciprocated by her? What could even become of this? These are questions I had asked myself for nearly five years now. It seemed I may never get the answers. I knew what I had to do in the end.

We ate brunch and talked about small things. Reminisced on days of the past in college. How we met. Where we thought we were going. The doors being opened and closed in life. Struggles with family and work. It was nice.

I never wanted to break up with her. Truly. But I thought it had to be done for both of us. To free ourselves from this standstill. We paid for our meals separately and left the diner. I walked her to her flat off of Westminster Place. She told me about the neighborhood, where she shopped, where she would run, and which bars were best to go to. We stopped at her stoop and I took her hands

“When will I see you again?” she asked, her eyes locked with mine.

“Soon,” I said.

We kissed and she went upstairs. A few minutes later I started for my car when my phone rang. It was Daniel.

“How did it go?” he asked.

“It was okay,” I said.