Guilty, Without Conscience

*TRIGGER WARNING* The substance of this story contains material that could be a trigger to some individuals who may be sensitive to Mental Health issues, Traumatic Family Events, and Death. Please be advised and read at your own risk.

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Dedicated to those who have felt alone and were unable to seek the proper help. Stay strong. I love you all.

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Please, don’t do it! I thought as sweat dripped down off my pointed chin. Please, don’t do it! PLEASE! Don’t Do It! Suddenly, as if uncontrollably, I exploded, roaring with emotion.

“PLEASE, DON’T DO IT!!” I had finally screamed.

There was an immense amount of silence that filled the cold, pressing air. I could feel the eyes turning on me, but I can assure you I was not going to check to see if I was right. I felt my mother’s warm, soothing hands press down amongst my shoulders.

I miss her.

“I love you..” Her sweet voice whispered into the crown of my head. “..so much.” She finished. Her hands suddenly moved across my chest and I was then embraced in the shadow of my mother. My mother had a..peculiar way of handling things. See, she usually wasn’t that attentive. No, affectionate? Yes, affectionate. She was only like that when she needed to be and it really annoyed me.

Not many people understand why exactly I am so uptight when it comes to my situations, but to be honest, it’s really none of their damn business. Anyways, do I really owe anyone an explanation? No! Of course, I don’t! It’s my emotions, my thoughts, MY LIFE!

By now, I’m sure you must fit right in with the rest of them, though. You think I’m crazy, don’t you? HA! You’re a fool. Just like the rest of them! Crazy, hears voices. Crazy, kills people! I’m not crazy; I’m just alone.

I miss her.

See, about a month ago, she took me and my sister to a—never mind. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this. I don’t even know you! Well, I guess that can change. You’ve listened this far, so.. my name is Stacey. There, are you happy? Good. So, as I was saying, about a month ago my mother took me and my sister to a mall just outside of town. She said it was going to be a Girls’ Shopping Extravaganza……BARF! The last thing my sister and I wanted to be is seen with our mother in a shopping mall in the middle of the 80s! We’d had rather died.

Seriously..

 Well, shocker, we went, and it was awful. I saw literally everyone I knew, and my sister knew. See, the one thing you need to understand about my sister is she was the cool one; not me. Anyways, my sister hated it because she was stuck with the both of us, and I hated it because I knew this whole trip was going to be about something, or someone, else. Sure enough, I was right. She ditched us as soon as she got the chance and went straight to that guy that works at The Gap.

She didn’t even buy their stuff!

So, my sister and I were stuck alone together, embarrassed, annoyed, and tired. Its not that my sister and I didn’t get along, its just that once the both of us were finally in high school, we stopped talking as much. We grew apart as normally happens and just lived separate lives. We did love each other though; sometimes.

Anyways, you can probably guess by now how this played along. I ended up wondering the mall alone. ME! A 14-year-old girl! Trapped in the hell hole that is a public mall! In the 80s! Ridiculous! Of course, my family didn’t see it that way. See, my father left us about 3 years ago. Mother won’t tell us where he went, but I have a feeling he didn’t want her to know. She had, like I said, a peculiar way of handling things.

As I was walking around, trying to find something to do, I was hit suddenly by a burst of water on top of my head. I froze, and when I looked down, aside from my own reflection in the pool of shame, I saw the little pieces of rubber suctioned to the ground beneath. I mean, why on earth would anyone use a water balloon inside a public mall?! Now THAT’S INSANITY!

Of course, when I looked up, I saw the culprit behind it all; Marlin Jane. A.K.A, MY sister’s best friend and total bitch. She and her possie stood up on the second floor, pointing out over the railing at me, in complete hysterics. The worst part of it all, though? My sister stood with them, chuckling, almost regrettably; even then. Have you ever been so angry, embarrassed, depressed, and confused that just no emotions what-so-ever can emote? That was pretty much me in that exact moment.

When I thought it couldn’t get much worse, I saw my mother swoop up next to my sister and drag her off by the ponytail. She screamed and whimpered in pain, which I guess I didn’t think was too fair. My sister didn’t want to do this, and to be honest, I would bet a lot of money she even tried to stop it. My sister, however, is a giant pushover, and Marlin is a giant instigator. The two do not mix well, and I wished for the love of God, my sister would just stop hanging out with her. I guess, you must be careful what you wish for, though.

I knew this was going to be bad now that my mother saw it. I didn’t think it would be that bad, though. When we got home, my sister booked it for her room. I tried to follow but mother wouldn’t let me. Ever since father left, my mother finally took a special liking to me. It’s only because of his special liking to me, though. My mother only craved his affection, no one else’s. I didn’t care too much but it really bothered my sister. If our father already had a favorite and my mother damn near gave not a single shit about us, then who cared for her? It must have been a terrible way to live.

All the screaming was unbearable! I had to go stop it. It didn’t sound like the kind of screaming a mother has when she hates her children. No. This screaming sounded deeply routed in pain.

I did run as fast as I could, though! Honest! Although, I was too late. When I got to the room, the screaming had stopped and moved to hysterical gasps for air.

I try not to blame myself for being too late, but our house is no mansion. I’ll never understand why on earth it took me so damn long to get to her. Maybe part of me wanted her to go? Or, maybe, just maybe I knew, if I did take long and she did go, I’d finally have my chance at freedom. Is that a terrible thing to say? I mean, after all she made our lives a living hell for over a decade; my sister nearly two!

Well, I slowly opened the door to find my mother hunched over on the floor crying. I opened it more. There she was. Laying lifeless halfway on the bed. She had killed her...over a stupid prank?! I’LL KILL HER!!

“Momma?” My voice said shakily.

“GO!! LEAVE!!!!” She screamed back. Her throat surely had to hurt after that one.

By this point I had fallen backwards into the wall in the hallway. I wasn’t crying, but I was shaking. I thought that was the strangest part of all. What do I do? What does anyone do?

Revenge.

So, I went downstairs, got a knife and did the only thing that was right. I avenged her. She deserved it! And she was never my mother. No, my mother would never kill her own daughter!

That’s why I’m here, I guess. Rotting away with the rest of the crazies. But I can assure you that I am NOT crazy. No.

I am alone.