Hello, it’s been a while..

Hi there. How are you doing you? On the precipice with adulthood staring you down. I know you are struggling. 

My dear, you were born a survivor. You work so hard to see the positive in it all, even when there is none. You've mastered the art of reading reactions, and facial expressions, listening for the meanings that aren't said out loud. You tiptoe about like a shadow. Wherever you go, you make sure there is no evidence you were there. You dare not offend until you do. When you break in half, it's from the combustion of holding it in and keeping everyone happy. Then you burn the bridge to the ground.

Darling, don't make yourself small for them. Stop pushing your feelings, wants, and needs down until they are no longer visible but buried so far that no one notices. You are far too magical to shrink for the benefit of others. Especially for her, she'll never change. So you must. She’ll always choose them over you. But you don't need her; it's always been you. Take all that kindness and intelligence and share it with those who appreciate it. 

The hilarious way you tell stories, even self-deprecating ones, makes you beautiful inside and out. Stop dumbing yourself down so they'll pick you. They don't deserve it. Your power scares them, so they try to take it from you. But don't let them. Do not let them dampen your fire. God poured his love into you. Could you share it? Show the world all the gifts you have. There is a reason. 

My beloved, please dry your eyes, stop crying over that boy. And that boy. And especially that boy, you know the one. Nobody is worth all those tears. Those fools don't deserve your love, and you deserve more. Love yourself. Give yourself all of the love you try giving to them. Marinate in the goodness of you. The world needs it. 

Remember, just because you feel things big doesn't make you weak. Or wrong. Your empathetic soul is something to be proud of, not run from or numb. No matter what, don't hurt others because you are hurting. It will hurt you more. I promise. Sit with the uncomfortable a while. Figure out what is hurting. It's okay to break. Your feelings are valid. Just because they don't see your value doesn't mean it is not there. You hold so much goodness inside of you. Spread it around freely, even when you are afraid. Just be you, no matter what anyone thinks. 

I wish I could tell you it gets easier. It doesn't. Some days you will want to hide under the covers. Sometimes for weeks. Take your time there, but don't dwell. Get the shower, and let the glorious water wash over you while you figure it out. Or go for a walk, play some music, just change the scene. 

Now for some tough love. Sometimes you are the asshole. Occasionally it is your fault. You will make big, big mistakes. It's gonna suck accepting that. There is beauty in acceptance, however. Once you take ownership, you can start to fix what needs fixing. Learn from it what you can, and move forward—a bit of a warning, lass. Pay attention to the warning signs, you only get so many, and then the message will knock you on your butt. The fantastic thing is when you face down in the muck of it all, you will find a way to get back up. No, it may not be pretty, more like wobbly baby deer legs on the ice. But you will do it. 

And you should be proud of yourself for that. You have experienced things that no child should, yet you still love. All you want is to love and be loved. I want you to know that you are so loved. I love everything about you. I think you are lovely. You are so much stronger than you know. I wish you would take hold of all that strength and love and use it. Relish in it. Learn how to live life for yourself. Do the things that you love to do. All the things. Even the scary things you are afraid to do but can't stop thinking about. Especially the stuff you can't stop thinking about. At least try. You know what? It doesn't matter if you do it perfectly. Because perfect doesn't exist, but regret does. And sitting on the sidelines because you are afraid to try will sting way worse. 

Mostly, I want to tell you I am so damn proud of you. Setback after setback, heartbreak after heartbreak, you are still standing. You aren't bitter. You could be, but your not. I love everything about you, even if I don't say it enough or show it. You are the love of my life. 

Now, I know I just laid on a lot on you. But don’t worry, it doesn’t matter when you start loving yourself; it only matters that you do. No one says you can’t start over and over and over. My biggest piece of advice would be just to do better each time you do. And one day, loving yourself will just be how it is. 

It’s the most liberating feeling you’ll ever have. To stand up for yourself. To say, “hell no, I’m not doing that just because you want me to. Don’t get me wrong; there is a fine line between being an ass and doing what’s best for you. The good news is you’re a smart girl; you’ll figure it out. That’s the thing there is almost always a solution. It may not be the one you want; that was probably ten steps ago. The point is, there is one. 

Now go forth, my love, make all the mistakes but do it for you. I’ll be here cheering you on—every time. I’ll be there. I am so, so proud of you. Please don’t forget that. Okay? It’s the best part. 

Me.